I had to get a COVID test today (aka a brain scrape), and it wasn’t that bad. The difference? The guy who administered it told me it would take ten seconds and he counted out loud to ten. It’s nice to know for sure there’s an end in sight … as nice as it can possibly be when you’re having a swab (aka a searing-hot poker) shoved into your nasal passages (aka a place no one should ever be allowed to explore).

Pro tip: ask the tester to count down the seconds.

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