They say you can’t make everyone happy. But what if you can’t help trying?
I’m okay to a point. I can say no to people if I feel that what I’m saying no to is in most people’s best interests. Or if what they’re asking for is impossible. Take Alex, my youngest son, for instance. He asks me to take him to the toy store a minimum of ten times a day, every weekend. I tell him I don’t have the money to buy him a video game every weekend and I stick to it… mostly. On average he somehow ends up with about six a year.
On Friday my mother moved into a retirement home. She is of course not happy – I’m told that it’s rare anyone is, for the first little while. If she lives alone it will be up to me to get her groceries, take her to her appointments, make sure she’s safe and healthy, and all this from the other end of town. Granted, it’s not a big town. But when I’m faced with dragging a kid around who may or may not be hooked up to a feeding pump and leaving my Autistic son, Chris, at home alone for an indeterminate period of time, it is a big deal for me.
Having her in the home where she can be supervised 24/7 is a huge worry off my shoulders, both because I know she’s safe and I know she’s eating well. And yet I can’t stop thinking, What’s one more thing? I can handle it… make her happy and let her live alone.
How do I convince myself that I matter in all this? I have to stay strong.
lindaghill.com 
February 25, 2014 at 10:04 am
I think it sounds like you’ve made the best decision here. I’m an exception in the world, but I am moving my husband and myself right into the best retirement home we can afford as soon as we’re old enough and have the money. I’m biased because my grandma lived for twenty five years in an amazing community of retired railroad employees. I loved to visit. She started in an apartment, then eventually had to go to assisted living, and then died in their memory care facility. She lived there for twenty five years (she died at 100). But I hate cooking, cleaning, yard work, driving, and other adult stuff.
But, that said, I get that this is a major change for your mom, and lots of people see it as a loss of their independence. I just hope your mom comes around to see it as the best thing for her and your other family members. Because really, your time with her will be so much better if you can be with her knowing your son is safe and content, and you aren’t having to worry about daily maintenance.
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February 25, 2014 at 2:27 pm
What you say is true – I’d like to be able to spend time with her and not feel the obligation of having to, you know?
Thanks very much for sharing your most encouraging story, and for your support. Much appreciated. 🙂
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February 24, 2014 at 2:40 am
You are doing your best Linda, and no one is allowed to demand more of you. No matter we are the kids or the parents, when we do our best, it has to be good enough.
Now you feel safe with your mothers life situation, which of course is important for you.
To leave your autistic son alone, if you don’t feel safe about that, is not a good idea. Then your thoughts will stay with him all the time and you will not stay with your mind, when you are out of the house anyway.
You do your best Linda.
Irene
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February 24, 2014 at 3:29 pm
I am, thanks Irene, for your support and your advice. 🙂
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February 24, 2014 at 3:31 pm
Nice to hear Linda 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 11:45 pm
You’re quite welcome. And hey, your heart is genuine, so no selling required. (cool t-shirt idea, no?)
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February 24, 2014 at 3:27 pm
Very cool 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 9:51 pm
I can’t imagine what I would do when faced with this decision, I’m sure the time for this is will come to pass. Here’s a thought thought — with the ‘worry’ of the situation off of your shoulders, perhaps…just perhaps, it will work out that you can afford yourself a bit more time for a visit, picking this up, picking that up just because you felt like it, and in the end? Spend more time WITH her rather than running around on her behalf.
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February 23, 2014 at 9:54 pm
VERY good point. It’s much easier to do things for someone when you want to rather than when you have to – no matter who it is.
Thanks for this. 🙂 Not sure I can use it as a selling point, but it does help me.
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February 23, 2014 at 3:09 pm
You have done the right thing hun. When my mum went into a home , she had had three strokes and did not know any of us let alone who she was. It nearly ended my marriage my husband expected us to take her in. I had three children a part time job and he was away often for days on end and often longer. My other siblings knew what was best for but I still feel my husband has not forgiven me completely even 27yrs on. Stick to your guns Linda xxxxxx
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February 23, 2014 at 6:05 pm
Thanks Willow, for sharing your story and for your support. Other’s expectations of us are usually our downfall. I’ll do my best. 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 2:02 pm
You have a lot on your plate. You have a lot of responsibilities. It cannot be right to wear yourself down for many, many years to come, caring for your mother and your children. Hopefully she’ll come to enjoy it, and your frequent visits. Let’s face it, there is NO WAY to avoid guilt when dealing with any family issues. Someone gets the short end of the stick at every turn, and usually it’s you there, in the middle.
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February 23, 2014 at 6:03 pm
Well, apart from my kids it’s only my mom and I. It seems everyone feels like they’re getting the short end at the moment. But you’re right. I’m the one responsible for everyone. As much as I’m tired of stepping up, it seems I have no choice.
Thanks for the much needed support, Joey. I hope she settles in soon, for everyone’s sake.
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February 23, 2014 at 12:59 pm
It is very, very difficoult indeed. What I usually obtain is a massive mess! In the attempt of make everybody happy and in forgetting me every single time I end up in having everybody annoyed or angry and me disappointed! I still to grasp the secret!
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February 23, 2014 at 5:57 pm
Sometimes we just can’t seem to be able to please anybody – been there too. It’s worth the struggle though, I think.
Thanks for sharing, Franny. 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 8:17 pm
🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 12:24 pm
The greater good is having her safe and you stress free(or less). I know how hard it is to juggle so many things (people). But you can’t take care of anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself – remember that. I hope your mum adjusts soon for your peace of mind. It is hard to leave your home and move into a different environment, but this sounds like the best solution for everyone.
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February 23, 2014 at 5:56 pm
Thanks for your support and you words of wisdom, Pamela. Since I wrote this post I’ve seen her – she now hates everything. It’s going to be a long road, I’m afraid.
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February 23, 2014 at 5:57 pm
You have to become the parent. It’s not easy nor fun. But necessary
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February 23, 2014 at 6:00 pm
Who knew, eh? I’ll just do my best and try not to give in. 😛
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February 23, 2014 at 12:07 pm
Don’t you write for OM? Take a page from his book 😉 It’s not possible to make everyone happy. I’m sure the path you’re taking is the right one. Just keep on it. As for assisted living, that’s a special thing. My grandpa went and loved it. My grandma went and it was always “No one ever visits.” My dad could see one of his brothers as he was walking in, and she’d still claim it had been a few weeks since they stopped by. Just roll with it and love. Tons of love.
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February 23, 2014 at 12:14 pm
Haha. True, OM is adamant on his blog that he doesn’t try to make everyone happy, but I’m sure he does his best when it comes to his family. But I do see what you’re saying.
Thing is, I probably can make everyone happy if I just stretch myself farther – but to what end? If I’m not here, everyone goes to pot.
Just keep going, just keep going… My mantra for the next little while, I’m sure.
Thanks, Paul, for your support and for sharing. 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 12:17 pm
Make sure you’re happy too. You deserve it. And you’re already stretching yourself pretty far.
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February 23, 2014 at 5:54 pm
I am. And thank you. 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 11:42 am
After my Father died my Mother moved into a Retirement Residence and it was the best move! She played bingo, attended exercise classes, had shopping excursions, parties, coffee and tea dates, the list goes on. She didn’t have to cook or clean. She was catered to and she loved it. Hopefully your Mother will have a similar experience.
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February 23, 2014 at 11:47 am
Oh, I so hope so too. It looks like a great place on the surface. So far she’s been keeping to herself. But it’s only been two days… maybe with time.
Thanks for sharing that, Quiall. It helps to hear a success story, more than you know. 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 11:36 am
Aw. I had to drive my mom to a retirement home 100 miles away because that’s where my brother lives, and he would be paying the bills and keeping an eye on her. I can’t tell you how I felt on the way back home. And this, despite the fact that my mom still had her wits about her and had volunteered to go into that home, knowing she couldn’t take care of herself any more. It still hurt, and still left some guilt feelings, even though I knew it was best for her. I wish I could say that you’ll never suffer that guilt again, but all I can say is that it will lessen in time. You know in your hear that you did the right thing for all of you. I wish you the best as you go through the stages of dealing with an aging parent.
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February 23, 2014 at 11:44 am
Fortunately my mother is a ten minute walk away – which means if I can get to see her more often, maybe she’ll see the benefit in that at least. She’s a great one for making me feel guilty – for everything. She doesn’t need to to much.
Thanks so much for your support, and for sharing your story. I wish you all the best as well. 🙂
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February 23, 2014 at 11:34 am
I know how hard it is- and although the adjustment will take time, I’m sure that your mother will settle in before you know it. There does come a time when doing what is best all around isn’t seen that way by all the parties involved. But ultimately you have to do the best you can while keeping yourself healthy and strong- which includes ensuring that your own needs get some attention and that your stress level is alleviated somewhat.
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February 23, 2014 at 11:40 am
Thanks for your support, Cole.
Stress is a big thing for me, especially when I’m being pulled in too many directions at once. I think if I can get through the next couple of weeks, hopefully you’ll be right and she’ll settle in. This is the hard part – with any luck – because if the hard part is having her live back at home and me doing everything again, I may not last long.
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