Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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Playing the “Dumb” Card

I admit it: sometimes when I want something I’ll play stupid to get it.

Take for instance the laptop battery that I’ve been waiting for since May from Best Buy. They screwed up once and in return promised me a free battery, but it’s taking forever to arrive. I’ve called them countless times on the matter but it never seems to go anywhere. There comes a point when I just get tired of explaining myself to everyone I talk to. Eventually my answer becomes, “I don’t know.”

When did we first order the part? the Geek Squad guy asks.

I don’t know.

I’ll look it up.

This, from my perspective is a good thing because a) it forces them to admit they’ve screwed up somewhere and b) it means they’re actually looking at the problem rather than just listening to me complain while they gaze around the store at the pretty girls looking at iPads and/or pick their noses.

Then there’s my newspaper, which was cut off today because I got a new credit card and didn’t call them to give them an updated expiry date.  So I call them to ask why my paper didn’t come.

It looks like all we need is your payment information. Did you not get a notice in the mail?

I didn’t see one. (I’m of course lying.)

Oh, well I’ll update that for you today and  get a paper out to you right away. I’m not sure why your carrier didn’t mention it to you.

I don’t see my carrier. (Again, blatant lie. I AM my own carrier. I don’t, however, have a lot of mirrors in my house…)

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Don’t let it happen again. (Okay, I didn’t really say that, but what fun it would have been!)

I’m not a liar when it comes to anything else, but I’m certainly not beyond acting like an idiot when it comes to dealing with company’s bureaucracies. There’s nothing more annoying than being brushed off when you pay good money for a service: you shouldn’t have to fight for it if you’re paying for it!

Am I alone in this practice? Tell me you’ve done something similar. Please.

 


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On the Buses

The people in my town are polite – I’ve written about how dangerously polite they are in the past. But today, on the city bus, I found out how far it really goes.

Take, for instance, the graffiti:
graffiti

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s something a little edgier: It originally said, “All your base are belong to us,” until a handy grammarian came along and corrected it to, “All your bases belong to us.”

graffitinazi

 

 

 

 

I swear it wasn’t me.


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Am I wrong?

When I write short fiction, I like people to have to think about what they’ve read. I tend not to over-explain things – I think of short fiction the way I think of a joke. If you have to explain it, it loses something.

My father had a very dry sense of humour. Think John Cleese, and you’ll have an idea of what my dad was like. For years I didn’t “get” his jokes – say from the ages of 0 to 4. After that I learned to think about what I was being told, and to this day I prefer dry humour over any other kind. So my fiction – at least anything shorter than a novel – leans that way, especially the funny fiction. It’s different with longer works. I know when I don’t understand a novel I usually end up putting it down because it only gets worse.

But I often wonder if I’m being too obscure. Take the little story I wrote yesterday. It makes sense if you can figure out what I’ve done with it… but I have no idea if anyone who read it, did.  If you’d like to humour me and give it a read, it’s only about 100 words long. Here it is: http://lindaghillfiction.wordpress.com/2014/07/03/fishin-pole-blues/

Otherwise, I’d like to hear from you. What do you prefer? Do you like to think about what you read in fiction? Or do you prefer to have it all laid out?

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – Quite Witty

When asked by a reader who complained that a gay couple was moving in across the street what he could do to improve the quality of the neighborhood, “Dear Abby” replied, “You could move.”
― Abigail Van Buren

 

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday, if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

The rules that I’ve made for myself for “One-Liner Wednesday” are as follows:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

Have fun!


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Go ahead, call me crazy

2014-Participant-Vertical-BannerIn my infinite wisdom borne of never having enough of a challenge in my life, I’ve decided to join Camp NaNoWriMo, which starts July 1st. My goal is to write 25,000 words of the sequel to the novel I started and failed as a NanoWriMo project in November of 2011. That one took me 18 months to finish. I’m not under any delusion that I can get the sequel done in a month, so I won’t even try.

But wait, Linda, I hear you saying. You can’t even reply to the comments on your blog, what makes you think you can take on another project?

To answer that question, I have no idea other than that I need to start being creative again or I will go completely around the bend. I’m halfway there now, and let me tell you, the scenery ’round there is scary-dark and smells ominously like a fart.

Is it worse than getting lost in the woods while at Camp Nano? There’s only one way to find out. I figure I should be okay as long as I don’t come across any bears — ‘coz you know what THEY do in the woods.

 


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About One-Liner Wednesday

I invented “One-Liner Wednesday” mostly as an excuse to post something small – be it an inspirational quote or something humorous – that is equivalent to Facebook blather or a tweet. I often get more out of the comments on these sentence-long posts than other articles which take me minutes, or even hours, to write. It’s you, my amazing followers, who make it happen. Thank you.

And so I’d like to extend an invitation. Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here or on my weekly “One-Liner” post to help your blog get more exposure. As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday, if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

The rules that I’ve made for myself for “One-Liner Wednesday” are as follows:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

That’s it.

I’d be delighted to make this a “thing,” so to speak. At the very least, I’d love to give back to my lovely audience by connecting you all to each other.

C’mon – give it a try, and find some new, interesting blogs!


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One-Liner Wednesday – Bad Advertising

What’s stranger than standing in the bug spray aisle at the pharmacy and having to swat away a mosquito?


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Friday the 13th – I Met the Grin Reaper at Starbucks

The Grin Reaper (typo intentional) stopped by my table at Starbucks tonight and introduced himself. Seriously – he reminded me of the childhood image I have of Beelzebub.

I was sitting at a table working on my laptop, minding my own business and drinking a grande Mocha. Channing Tatum sat two tables away, alone, (yeah, unlikely, right? Okay, so it wasn’t him, but the guy I sat beside was the spitting image) facing the same way I was, doing something on a tablet. Our backs were to the wall. Here’s how it went:

Grin Reaper: (approaches my table and smiles, saying nothing)

Me: (looks up at him and tries not to shrink back)

Grin Reaper: (finally) Hello. I think we’ve met before.

Me: I don’t think so.

Grin Reaper: (holding out his liver-spotted hand) I’m Leo. Nice to meet you.

reverendkane

 

 

 

Me: (shaking his hand and deciding not to give my name) Nice to meet you too.

Grin Reaper: (smile slips) Do you come in here often? (smiles again)

Me: No, maybe once every six months.

Grin Reaper: Hmm. I sit in the mall every day and read four newspapers. And I play the piano at nursing homes so I keep busy.

Me: (staring at his crooked yellow teeth as he grins creepily) That’s nice.

Grin Reaper: (looks down at my laptop) What are you studying?

Me: Oh, I’m just writing.

Grin Reaper: You’re a writer? I’m a writer too. I write about psychology, sociology, neurology, philosophy, religion… (and he named off about four more things)

Me: Well that’s interesting.

Grin Reaper: (stares and smiles)

p2

 

 

 

 

Me: Maybe I’ve seen you in the mall…

Grin Reaper: Yes, that’s probably it. (stares and smiles)

Me: Yyyeah…

Grin Reaper: (stares and smiles)

poltergeist2

 

 

Me: (probably 20 seconds have passed but it feels like he’s been sucking on my soul for an hour) Well, it was very nice meeting you.

Grin Reaper: Yes, nice meeting you too. (smiles and retreats)

Beside me, Channing turns to look at me, smiles and shakes his head. I look back, eyes wide, one eyebrow raised, with a frightened look on my face. Channing laughs.

I swear to God, Leo looked EXACTLY like Reverend Kane (Julian Beck) from Poltergeist 2. About 90 years old, thin, and well over six feet tall, he walked with the stoop of a man above average height. He wore a three piece suit and a hat, and had the most God-awful creepy look about him, as though he wanted to tell me how my life is going to end in grisly yet accurate detail.

Had I had my wits about me, I’d have asked Channing if that really happened. In fact, I’d have asked for his number as well – you know, just because he’s my only witness – so I could get another reality check at 2am, after the nightmare I’m sure to have tonight.

I may never go to the mall again.


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Forcing Myself

I’ve been having a hard time for the past few days getting into editing my novel. I’m able to force myself to work, but then I come up with any number of excuses to do something else, every other sentence I fix.
Candy Crush Saga is only the tip of the ice cream cone. (Make that a mint chocolate chip Klondike Bar.) How about those dishes in the sink? Or is that another email? And let’s not even mention WordPress stats. And if all else fails and I’ve done everything else I can do, or eaten everything in the house (damn, I just ate tomorrow night’s pork chops… and why do my teeth hurt? Must be the fact that they were still frozen…) I start to notice that my butt’s starting to hurt because I’ve been sitting on it too long.

It has to be time for a glass of wine.

You can see how it goes. I sit down to edit at times like this and I get SO MUCH ACCOMPLISHED! just not any editing. Is it really worth spending three hours just to slice the hell out of two paragraphs that I end up not happy with anyway because I wasn’t really concentrating?

How does anyone get this job done for goodness sakes?!?


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There’s Pain and then There’s Pain (and then there’s pain in the rain)

This morning while waiting outside for Alex’s school bus with Alex and my best friend John, I lifted my right hand to point at something and felt a shooting pain through my shoulder. I moaned. Not normally being one to complain about aches and pains, I thought about what made me so miserable where this shoulder thing is concerned.

Being that I was diagnosed with arthritis in it, I explained to John that pain has never really bothered me that much. I just live with it. But I realise it’s different this time, because I’m not sure it’ll ever go away: I may very well have to suffer with this one for the rest of my life.

I suppose just saying that made me deserve what was to come. At the house of the second customer on my paper route, I missed a step on the way down and landed on my knee on their brick pathway.

It could have been worse though – I could be out in the torrential downpour I’m watching through the window as I type this.