Life in progress

Tag Archives: psychological


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Just Do It! – Stream of Consciousness Saturday (Do/Don’t)

Just do it. Such simple advice – so why is it so difficult to follow sometimes? I can have a million things I have to do, but when faced with them, I’ll often say, well, maybe I’ll just have a cup of tea first. Or maybe I’ll check my stats, or do this sudoku, or the worse one of all, maybe I’ll just have a bite to eat. Then before I know it, the day has run out and I’ve done nothing but gained weight and the satisfaction of having completed a puzzle.

It’s like the dream I was having last night. I was trying to go somewhere in a hurry, but every time I started to run, my rhythm somehow went off and I veered off into a circle. Don’t ask me how this makes any sense, but I can tell you it was extremely frustrating. At one point I even tried to sing a song, in order to run to the beat of it, but my feet just wouldn’t cooperate with my head. In the end I didn’t make it to where I needed to go.

Just like real life.

Why, oh why do we procrastinate? I’ll think about it while I boil the kettle.

 

This post is part of SoCS. Find this week’s prompt here: https://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-514/ and join in!

 

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The Rules:

1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.

2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.

3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”

4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people will come and read your post! The way to ping back, is to just copy and paste the URL of my post somewhere on your post. Then your URL will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. For example, in your post you can copy and past the following: “This post is part of SoCS: (https://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-514/)” The most recent comments will be found at the top.

5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.

6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!

7. Have fun!


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Power Over a Dream

I have a recurring dream of being stuck in an elevator. Over the years, I’ve connected it to being stuck in a rut, being undecided about something, or being worried about which direction my life is going. You see, the elevator doesn’t just stop – it takes over. It has a life of its own, going up, down and sideways. Sometimes it is much smaller than the shaft and it swings on its cables. Sometimes it stops between floors and the doors open – revealing to me the scariest thing of all: the dark, dirty elevator shaft.

I had the dream again last night, but this time it was a little different. The elevator continued to have control, but I overcame the dream.

I was in a three storey building and I got into the elevator with two men. I wanted to go from the third to the second floor, but for some reason I couldn’t push the button, so the elevator went to the first floor. The men got out, and I pushed the second floor button, but I ended up again on the third. I allowed the door to close, vowing that if I missed the second floor again, I’d get out on the first and take the stairs. Of course, when the doors closed, the elevator took control. We went up to the roof and started going sideways. I had a window in the elevator then (why? It was a dream) and I could see the tops of the other rooves from where I was.

Instead of panicking, however, as I usually do in this dream, I pulled a piece of paper and a pen out of my bag and I sat down and started writing. I figured if the elevator wasn’t going to do what I wanted it to, I’d make the best of it with the time I had on my hands.

Pretty cool, eh? If only I could remember what I wrote. It might just have been brilliant.


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Communication is Fragile

I had a dream last night in which I traveled back in time, to the ’70s I believe, to speak to high school girls about what it would be like, in the future, to be able to communicate from anywhere. You’d think I’d have had a cell phone in my hand. But that’s not what I had.

In my dream I was carrying a piece of paper. It was like a receipt and it had words and numbers written on it. Strangely enough I remember having to go to a payphone to use it… but what purpose the paper served is beyond me. It was a dream.

When I woke up, however, it left me wondering about the fragility of communication. The paper was nothing but symbolic. What if I lost it? (The piece of paper or the ability to communicate – you decide.) What if I suddenly couldn’t read it because it got damaged? How much did it cost to obtain it? It was a receipt, after all.

Then I started thinking, what if I had five minutes to tell everyone I loved everything I needed to tell them? Could I be succinct? I think that’s the one positive thing the language of texting has provided us with… a shorthand. And it’s such a personal thing as well. Only if I’m in a hurry will I spell ‘you,’ ‘u,’ and everyone close to me knows this, and so I am communicating two things at once.

But what if we could all speak the way the great authors write? To be able to communicate a feeling – ‘All the world’s a stage…’ What if stuff like that just rolled off our tongues as easily as we wrote it? What if we could put real body language and facial expressions into our emails? Speaking from the perspective of someone who actually CAN communicate in two languages simultaneously (spoken English and American Sign Language), it would be wonderful indeed.

And yet do I feel as though, if I had five minutes left in this world to say everything I wanted to, I’m afraid I’d be at a loss for words.


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Writing, But Not Writing

You have to love it when your utility company sends the most gorgeous man on the planet over to your house to upgrade your internet speed. Needless to say, as my day has progressed it has gotten better.

I’m currently procrastinating over picking up my manuscript. Oohh, a muffin!

Despite what I said yesterday – wait, was it yesterday? I’ll go check. No, it was Thursday, in this blog post. Anyway, despite what I said in Thursday’s post, procrastinating when it means completely putting off something is detrimental. Allowing my mind to wander whilst doing something mindless, as a break from hard work is nothing like what I’m doing now.

It brings to mind an excellent article that my new blogging friend, Angie, shared with me in my comments. In it, she cites the well proven fact that sometimes we procrastinate for fear of failure. What if we finish what we’re doing (such as writing a manuscript) just to have it rejected? It’s silly, really, to think that way. Why begin something in the first place if you’re never going to finish it?

I wrote the novel I’m editing as a NaNoWriMo project in 2011. When I started it, I was writing it for myself. I needed a distraction from the chaos that was my life at the time. Had I not written it, I probably wouldn’t be here right now – I’m sure I’d be in a padded cell, plucking my arm hairs out one at a time and tying them into the rope which would become my escape – one way or another. By the time I finished my manuscript, I knew I wanted to share it with the world. And so, editing began… and continues. It’s a huge project and is going to take many more hours of work before I’ll even allow it into the hands of beta readers.

So why am I typing a WordPress post instead of working on the manuscript I can’t wait to get out? I’m up for suggestions.

You can find Angie’s article here: http://familyanswersfast.wordpress.com/tag/procrastination/ Fascinating stuff.

Off to work. Really. And I’m not going to stare off into space and think about that telephone installation guy AT ALL.


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It’s For Your Own Good! A Rant

What are you striving for? Is it within your reach? Yes? Then go for it. You want to lose weight? Stop eating cupcakes. You want to write a novel? Get off Facebook and Twitter and spend more time writing. You want a better job? Make more of an effort to get one than bitching about the one you have.

Is what you want not within your reach? Then stop spending so much energy wanting it. You want to be taller? Too bad. You want to live on a yacht the size of an apartment building but you’re on welfare because you’re too lazy to work? Give it up. You want to be younger? Ain’t gonna happen.

I’m so tired of listening to people complain, who aren’t able to either live up to or define their limitations.

How did we end up being a society of whiners? Is it Facebook and that tempting sweet spot–the box asking us, “What’s on your mind?”–that taunts us to write whatever we’re thinking and share it with the world? Is it the message, “You can be anything you want to be,” that’s expanded people’s heads so that they barely fit on their pillows? “Dream big!” they say.

“Wake up!” I say.

Enjoy the life you are cut out for. Know your limitations! You’ll be much happier.

End rant.


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Awareness

Child abuse is a subject that keeps coming up around me of late, and not only because I’ve recently re-released my semi-biographical story, “Boy Series – One through…” A few minutes ago a glimpsed on Facebook a photo which made me want to throw up. I refuse to describe it – it’s one of those things that once seen cannot be unseen, and I’m sure I will have nightmares because of it. It’s worse in my mind than anything I could have imagined by myself, and in many ways, so is my series.

I’ve made the decision for a few reasons, to reveal the man behind the story. It’s not a big secret, and I don’t claim to be the one-and-only person to know… but I think having all the information that I’ve researched in one place will make the true story that much more interesting. I’ve been working, therefore, to compile links to interviews and decide what of his work might be most relevant to the story of his life. Strangely, something he said in one of the interviews I read last night cemented the decision in my mind to do this – it was almost as though I received a sign to say that it’s okay to go ahead.

The excerpt from the interview spoke of a song that he wrote about the tragedy of war. He has written several. He said that, (paraphrased) although there is little we can do about it, just spreading awareness that it exists and what it is like for those who are a part of it, whether it is their own decision to be or not, might cause someone to act differently.

And so I believe it is the same for my story of abuse. The more we are aware that it happens, even in our own neighbourhoods, the more we may look for the signs. Though we may not be able to help all of the children everywhere who suffer, if we can be kind to a child who we think may be abused, it might mean the world to that one child.

To Nav, John, Willow, and to all the people who had a hard time reading my series, I thank you for your perseverance. It was as heartbreaking to write as it is to read, just as it was for me to hear of it originally. I hope you’ll all stick around to learn the truth; to see that the man who was the boy has done well for himself despite the odds, even though he still bears the scars of his own, wretched war.


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Expectations

How many times can I be hit over the head by something obvious before it sinks in? One might hope being knocked out once would be enough. Not so much for some.

I try to live by the philosophy that to expect nothing means never being disappointed. Plans go awry, the weather won’t co-operate, machinery breaks down – the list is just about endless. In fact I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing I can reasonably expect is that the sun will come up every morning. Let’s face it – if the sun doesn’t live up to its promise, none of this will likely matter anyway.

But it’s in the area of promises where I consistently fail: this is what I need to stop banging my head against. When someone says they’ll do something and then, for whatever reason, backs out (in my case it’s usually my ex with his promise to take the kids until work gets in the way) the results on the psyche and the blood pressure can be devastating.

I have made some progress, however, with my philosophy. I’ve learned not to expect anything of anyone unless they make a promise. While it may seem sad on the surface, if you really think about it, it’s obvious. To expect something of someone just because it’s what you would do is silly. We’re all different. Just because I would drive a friend to the airport simply because they are my friend and they are in need, doesn’t necessarily mean they would do the same for me. So if I count on it happening and end up missing my plane, do I blame them? No. I blame myself.

This thread of thought came up because twice now, in my life, I’ve been in a position where two of my friends were having a fight. I had no argument with either of them, so I decided to stay out of it both times. In both cases, however, one friend decided that I should have stuck up for them. It’s what they would have done. It’s what a friend would do, they both said. In my view however, if someone picks a fight, they’d better know what they’re getting into and know they can handle it themselves before they begin. It’s not my fault that they had the fight – I had nothing to do with it. If I get into the middle of someone else’s fistfight chances are I’ll be the one who’s hurt – why should an argument be any different? So I sat back, let the dust settle, and then in both cases one of the parties decided that if I was friends with the enemy I couldn’t be friends with them. They demanded I be on their side, or I couldn’t be their friend any more. Guess which friend I chose to stick with? Yes, in both cases it was the one who expected nothing from me but their continued friendship.

Just because I never expect anything of anyone, doesn’t mean that everyone around me is beyond hope. If I simply hope that they will do things for me, hope that they will be honest with me and respect me, then when they do I can be pleasantly surprised and if they don’t, well, I wasn’t hanging my own choices and responsibilities on them anyway.

Now all I have to do is learn to hope that my ex will live up to his end of the bargain and take the kids every other weekend, instead of expecting it. I have to stop hitting myself over the head.

I’m still learning.


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What Does Your Writing Say About You?

I write pretty much the same way I speak. Not only do my speech patterns show up in my blogging, but so does my attitude towards life. Positivism is my greatest tool for survival. Okay, yes, I’m guilty of being tempted to get on WordPress and bitch and complain about things. But I don’t do it in real life unless someone specifically asks me my opinion on something (the weather may just be the exception to that rule), and I don’t like doing it here.

Thing is, we can all be different people online than we are in real life. Not only can we appear to be who we’re not, we can put forth a persona for ourselves that masks our true feelings. I reserve the ‘who I’m not’ part of my personality for my fiction – in most cases. There’s a certain part of me that thrills in writing horrible villains, which I’m not in real life.

Is it worth asking you all if who you write on your blog is who you are? Would you admit it if you weren’t? What I’d really like to know though, is whether or not you’ve ever analysed the content of your posts to see if it reflects your true self.

What does your writing say about you?


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JusJoJan 29 – Shit Happens

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When I came across this statement (above) on Facebook it made me think. And then it made me think some more.

My first reaction was to recognize that I say this all the time: Everything happens for a reason. And while I do believe somewhere deep inside that it does, I believe even more the two word statement, everything happens. The other saying I often use is, Shit happens and there’s nothing anybody can do about it, which is probably the more accurate of the two. I don’t say it often to anyone but myself however, since it’s not very consoling.

Saying everything happens for a reason is a way to make me feel like I’m in control of a situation I have no control over. By considering what happened, whatever it is, and going through everything that happened as a result can be comforting, especially if the results were in some way positive. And let’s face it – you can always find something positive in something awful if you look hard enough. While it may not make up for the bad thing that happened, it’s better than nothing.

I have to realize, in the end, that there are things that are beyond my control. Whether I look for the good in them or not, they happen. Am I lying to someone when I console them with the statement above? I don’t think so, not if I can help them to find a glimmer where there would otherwise be a lack of hope.

Whether or not everything happens for a reason, you can decide for yourself. But to me it seems that simply saying “Everything happens,” is freeing.  It takes the burden away of trying to control that which is out of my hands.

I’ll still look for silver linings, and I probably still won’t be telling people that shit happens and there’s nothing they can do about it. But I’ll be thinking it, now more than ever.

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 Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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JusJoJan 26 – Asking for Help

I’m my own worst enemy in a few different ways, but none more than the fact that I have a hard time asking for help. Actually, let me be a little more specific: I’m okay asking for small favours, but if I think I might put anyone else out of their way, I usually do whatever it is that needs to be done myself.

I think this is a common problem with many people. For some it’s because they wish to be independent, and there’s nothing wrong with that – unless it gets to the point where they are stretching themselves too thin. Then there are the jobs to be done that are so complicated that it takes longer to explain how to do them than to do it ourselves. That, too, is an understandable reason not to ask for help.

Then there are people who are already stretched too thin, like me. When I think about asking someone else to help me, I tend to put myself in their shoes, which makes me ask myself, what if they were asking me to do this task? Being over-worked and overwhelmed already, I might think it a burden to be asked to do more. Consequently, many times I don’t ask for help.

I’m learning though. Since the father of my kids moved away, I’ve had an average of only one weekend out of every three without the kids. I do, however, have a very good friend who constantly offers to help me out, and most of the time I say yes. Although he says he doesn’t feel taken for granted, I still feel bad for not doing more for him in return. Again, there’s the ‘stretched-too-thin’ thing pulling me mentally if not physically in every direction.

I’d like to say a very public ‘thank you’ here to him, for all that he does for me. Thank you, John. I truly don’t know what I’d do without you. I know you say I should feel free to ask when I need help … know that I’m doing my best. And next time I stomp down the stairs in a very bitchy mood, know it’s only my own shortcomings – it’s not you, it’s me.

Back to addressing the rest of the people reading this.

I’m sure there are other people out there with problems asking for help. Do you try to overcome it? Have you succeeded? If so, how? I’d love some feedback on this.

Thanks.

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!