Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


by 61 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – Thanks, Internet

Thanks to a stupid hoax going around the Internet yesterday saying it was the only day of the year you could stand a broom up, I now know what to do with my brooms when they keep falling over in the broom closet.

Photo: Two brooms standing up in the middle of the kitchen floor with no support. The cat is sniffing one, likely not believing it either.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our lovely badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

Badge by Laura @ riddlefromthemiddle.com


by 36 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – I’ll Be Back

Yesterday morning, as my eldest son was leaving for the store, he stood in the doorway to go outside and said to me, “In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger …”

He paused for so long, I finished the sentence for him: “‘I’m going to kill you last.'”

“‘I lied,'” he replied and went out the door, laughing.

I love my kids.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our lovely badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

Badge by Laura @ riddlefromthemiddle.com


by 14 Comments

#SoCS – Multitasking

I make a lot of difficult decisions in the course of a workday. It’s a hazard of the job of an editor. (Please don’t look at the word choices in this post and judge me for them. This exercise doesn’t allow me to edit!) Commas used to give me a hard time, once upon a time. Now I can look at a sentence and say, usually, in a split second whether or not it needs one and where. Still, it’s a critical decision.

But then there are the days in which I have no choices more pressing upon my brain than how many things I can carry from the fridge to the counter in one trip. I have it down to a science on the way to breakfast.

  1. Grab the margarine and the milk.
  2. Put the margarine on the counter beside my coffee cup, pour the coffee, and put in the milk.
  3. Carry the milk back to the fridge, put it in and take out the marmalade.

Simple. I have three things and only two trips.

BUT …

(There has to be a “but.”)

On the way from breakfast, I have a conundrum.

Here, let me draw you a diagram of my kitchen, so you’ve got a visual.

Okay, there we go. There are maybe (a big maybe) two steps from the fridge to the coffeemaker, and if you’re standing between the counter (yes, it is that colour green EXACTLY) and the table, there’s no step. It’s just basically a swivel and you’re there.

Okay, where was I?

Okay. So. I’ve got my coffee (I just have to walk around the island and grab everything I’ve taken out of the fridge from the other side and put it on the table) and I sit at the table and drink my coffee and eat my breakfast. I have three things on the table–my mug, the margarine, and the marmalade.

When I’ve finished my breakfast, I have to do two things: put the margarine and the marmalade back in the fridge, put the mug on the counter close to the coffeemaker, and get my last cup of coffee for the morning.

But I have 3 (count ’em–THREE) things to carry from the table to the counter (or the fridge), and only two hands!!!!

It’s a conundrum … a multitasking conundrum!!!!!

Do I do the opposite of what I did before breakfast: put everything on the counter and then go around, get the milk out of the fridge and pour my coffee, then put everything back? NO! That means two trips to the fridge!

Or, do I put just the coffee on the counter, go back to the table, carry the margarine and the marmalade directly to the fridge, grab the milk, go back to the counter, pour the coffee, then go back to the fridge to put the milk away? I’m still taking two trips to the fridge!!!

I go through this scenario EVERY SINGLE DAY and it DRIVES ME MAD!!

There’s only one obvious solution.

I need to grow another hand.

2019-2020 SoCS Badge by Shelley! https://www.quaintrevival.com/

This ranty (how did that happen? SHARE MY PAIN!!!) post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Click the following link to find all the other entries in the comment section and join in. It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2020/01/31/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-1-2020/

 


by 11 Comments

#JusJoJan 9/20 – Num-num-num

First off, thank you to Maggie for our prompt word, “scrumptious,” today! You can find her Just Jot it January post here. Go have a read, say hi, and give her a follow!

There’s always loads of scrumptious food at my house over the holiday season. From Halloween all the way up to the end of the year, for that matter. If I were to draw a graph of my weight over the period of a year, I’m sure the line would go up steadily from the first of November and peak around now.

And it’s the same thing every year: buckle down as soon as the warmer weather comes and it’s safe to drive every day, and get out for walks to shed some of the weight.

Wash, rinse, repeat.

I need someone to ration me–to feed me the way I feed the dog. He would eat all day every day if he could. I’m sure of it. He’ll do anything for his tastebuds. Or his stomach, since I’m sure the garbage he gets into does nothing for the former.

I love my tastebuds, but I curse them sometimes. Think how skinny we’d all be if food tasted like tissues …

I’m not convinced that dogs don’t eat tissues because they want their poop to be gift-wrapped when we have to pick it up.

This post moved a bit out of the realm of scrumptious, didn’t it?

 

This less than yummy post is brought to you by Just Jot it January! Click the following link and join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2020/01/09/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-9th-2020/

Love quickens beneath the moonlight …

Get your free copy of The Magician’s Sire: A Paranormal Romance → Click here


by 9 Comments

#JusJoJan 3/20 – Nosehair is a Cannibal

“Poke” is the word of the day today. I had no idea what I was going to write for the prompt until I went out for a walk with Alex earlier. The answer to my conundrum was Nosehair.

If you’ve been around for forever, you might remember a tree I dubbed “Nosehair” for the branch it had growing out of its face. Yes, the tree has a face. I’m sure the only person who won’t be able to see it is Guy Thair.

Nosehair had a few posts dedicated to him–here’s one, and here’s another. You should check them out. They’re quite amusing if I do say so myself.

Today, though, getting back to my post, I found that someone had poked Nosehair with stick, sticking it in his mouth.

Do you see the face? He’s facing to the right, with a Roman nose and a dark spot for a mouth below.

You really have to zoom in to see the stick in his mouth (close to the blue car) in the picture above, but here’s a closeup:

Does this mean Nosehair is eating himself? Has he been turned into some sort of Ouroboros?

Something to ponder …

This slightly totally crazy post is brought to you by Just Jot it January! Click the following link and join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2020/01/03/daily-prompt-jusjojan-the-3rd-2020/


by 66 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday/JusJoJan the 1st, 2020 – Bad to the Bone

You might remember my mention that the retirement home where my mother lives is penalizing the residents $100 when they get caught smoking too close to the building. Here’s what the feisty octogenarian residents think.

Photo: A sign that reads “ONTARIO BY-LAW: No smoking within 9 meters of building entrances. FACILITY POLICY: No smoking on property. Use designated smoking area only. Violators will be fined $100 penalty.” The sign is surrounded by cigarette butts.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure.

Here are the simple JusJoJan Rules:

1. Just Jot It January starts January 1st, but it’s never too late to join in! Here, we run on the honour system; the “jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post, it can even be a grocery list), counts as a “jot.” If it makes it to your blog that day, great! If it waits a week to get from a sticky note to your screen, no problem!

2. I’ll post prompts at 2am my time (GMT -5). You don’t have to follow the prompt every day, but that will be where you leave your link for others to see. You’ll get a prompt for every day except Wednesday, when the prompt is simply my One-Liner Wednesday and on Saturday, when your prompt will be the Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS, which will appear at about 9:30am Friday. Each prompt post will include the rules.

2 a) The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our lovely badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

Badge by Laura @ riddlefromthemiddle.com

3. Please ping back or link to the daily prompt. To ping back, just copy the URL from the daily prompt post, and paste it anywhere in your post. Check to make sure your link shows up where you want it to, and go back occasionally to see other bloggers’ entries – the more you visit others, the more they’ll visit you! Note: A) The newest pingbacks will be at the top of the comments section. B) Ping backs only work if you’re blogging on WordPress. Everyone else must paste a link manually.

4. Tag your post JusJoJan and/or #JusJoJan.

5. Write anything! Any length will do! It can even be a photo or a drawing – you’re going to title it, right? There’s your jot!

6. The prompts will appear every day that’s neither a Wednesday nor a Saturday–Saturday’s JusJoJan prompt will be Stream of Consciousness Saturday. You’ll find the list of prompts below as they come in, which means I’ll be updating this post. Remember, you don’t have to use the prompts. Please write whatever inspires you. NOTE: If your post is NSFW, do not ping back. Please leave your link in the comments with a warning.

7. If you’d like to, use the JusJoJan badge so that others can find your post more easily.

8. Have fun!


by 33 Comments

#SoCS – Kringle Ingle

What day is it today? Okay, technically it’s Sunday where I am. But all day Saturday I was confused. Of course, having a kid home on a Friday because there’s no school will do that to a parent.

It’s almost time for Kris Kringle, as a matter of fact.

Kris Kringle to leave footprints on my shingles.

And slip down the chimney into my ingle. (Which I just found out is a fire in a fire place.)

Ouch.

Sing it with me …

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire …

Maybe that’s why his suit is red.

To symbolize the many times he’s been set alight.

Kringle crackling on an open fire …

That works.

Poor guy.

Speaking of Christmas, I think I’ve got almost all my shopping done. Already! I’m early this year. Normally I’m closing the stores at 5pm on Christmas Eve.

I had a salted caramel mocha at Starbucks today. Only they didn’t have the salt. So it was just a caramel mocha. Very disappointing. Especially since I had to practically mortgage my house to buy it.

I could say that it just didn’t make me tingle …

Ugh. That was a stretch.

What I will say in closing is I’ll have a Christmas present for you all soon. If you like paranormal romance, that is …

😉

2019-2020 SoCS Badge by Shelley! https://www.quaintrevival.com/

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Click the following link to find all the other awesome posts in the comments and see how you, too, can join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/12/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-21-19/


by 13 Comments

#SoCS – The Key

I’ve finally figured out that the key to getting stuff done is being organized. Who knew?

All week I’ve been trying to organize my time into blocks–from this point to then, I do that. From then to then, I do this. And so on. And I’ve actually been productive!

I call it the productivity key.

Yes, I just came up with that.

So now that I have my productivity key, what do I need next?

Oh yes, my endless riches key.

Somehow I think that one might take a bit more work. But hey, productivity is probably the first step. Right?

But what would I do with endless riches? End world hunger for a start. Then maybe get a haircut. I haven’t had one of those in four years. Because it’s been, like, really? What’s the point? It only grows back. And it’s not like anyone ever sees me.

I really need a key to getting out of the house.

Which is weird, because most people want a key to get into the house.

But I think a key to getting out is almost as important.

Of course you want to get in … especially when it’s raining or snowing. But getting out? That can be priceless.

I went Christmas shopping with Alex today. He’s decided he’s not afraid of Santa anymore, so this is the first time he’s been in a mall at the same time as Santa. And it was great!

My point (read: where I was going with this) is that I actually got to do some people watching today, and I realized it’s been a REALLY long time since I did that. I forgot what people looked like!

Okay, not really. But it was like a refresher course in society living. There’s not much society in my house.

Just family.

And family’s not really society.

Are they?

So the key to society?

Running away from home.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Productivity, endless riches, and running away from home.

Not necessarily in that order.

2019-2020 SoCS Badge by Shelley! https://www.quaintrevival.com/

This escape-artist post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to find all the other posts in the comments and join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/12/06/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-dec-7-19/


by 38 Comments

#SoCS – Shade

I don’t really understand the term “throwing shade.” It’s supposed to mean “insulting someone,” but wouldn’t it depend on the weather? I think it might be a good thing to throw someone shade on a hot day.

“Hey, throw me some shade, would ya?”

“You’re an asshole!”

“Thanks!”

Can you tell I’m tired?

I finished NaNoWriMo today with a win.

See?


And to celebrate, I bought myself a NaNo mug. Obviously I don’t have it yet. I’ll take a picture when I get it.

The original plan was to write two 30K novellas and finish NaNo with 60K. The first novella didn’t make it … I finished the story with 19,995 words. To make it even, I wrote “THIS IS DEFINITELY THE END” at the end. So I still had 30K left for the second novella. Only THAT ended at 26,223. So I started another novel.

Now I have to finish that. Does it ever end? I hope not. I like this gig. It’s a fun gig.

I hope to get caught up on all the comments I’ve been neglecting this last little while. Sorry–I’ve been reading all your comments, I just haven’t replied to them.

And tomorrow I’ll be back with a couple of posts. The coloring prompt and one more.

Stay tuned!

2019-2020 SoCS Badge by Shelley! https://www.quaintrevival.com/

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to find all the other posts in the comments, and see how you, too, can join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/11/29/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-30-19/


by 32 Comments

#SoCS – Dreaming Through

It’s been a tiring year, 2019 has. Aside from the fact that I had so many great plans that got knocked to the ground, partially because I’ve been tired, I’ve slept in a lot this year. More than any other year, I think.

I used to be able to wake up to the music on my phone. It was a nice way to wake up. To a song I liked. But then, because I was tired, I started not only sleeping through my alarm, I’d dream that I was at a concert, watching the song played live.

That wouldn’t do–I had to keep driving Alex to school because I wasn’t getting up in time to feed him (before 5am) so he could catch the bus. So I added an alarm. One with a tune I didn’t like. One that came with the phone.

For a while that worked, until my tired brain figured out how to turn off the alarm I didn’t like and leave the song on.

Fine.

I added an even more obnoxious tune. That got me up.

But then I figured, okay, I can sleep while Alex is feeding (he’s tube-fed), and just set another alarm to get me up when his feed’s finished so I can get him off to school.

Except guess what I did?

Yep, I chose another song.

And started dreaming through it.

FINE, then.

I switched that for another obnoxious noise to get me out of bed before the bus comes.

Which worked …

For a while.

Last week I slept through that a total of THREE mornings. Out of FOUR! Monday was a holiday!

I think I just need for it to be 2020 already.

Surely I won’t be as tired.

Right?

2019-2020 SoCS Badge by Shelley! https://www.quaintrevival.com/

This dreamy post was brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to find all the other dreamy posts in the comments, and see how you, too, can join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/11/15/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-16-19/