Life in progress

Category Archives: advice


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JusJoJan 26 – Asking for Help

I’m my own worst enemy in a few different ways, but none more than the fact that I have a hard time asking for help. Actually, let me be a little more specific: I’m okay asking for small favours, but if I think I might put anyone else out of their way, I usually do whatever it is that needs to be done myself.

I think this is a common problem with many people. For some it’s because they wish to be independent, and there’s nothing wrong with that – unless it gets to the point where they are stretching themselves too thin. Then there are the jobs to be done that are so complicated that it takes longer to explain how to do them than to do it ourselves. That, too, is an understandable reason not to ask for help.

Then there are people who are already stretched too thin, like me. When I think about asking someone else to help me, I tend to put myself in their shoes, which makes me ask myself, what if they were asking me to do this task? Being over-worked and overwhelmed already, I might think it a burden to be asked to do more. Consequently, many times I don’t ask for help.

I’m learning though. Since the father of my kids moved away, I’ve had an average of only one weekend out of every three without the kids. I do, however, have a very good friend who constantly offers to help me out, and most of the time I say yes. Although he says he doesn’t feel taken for granted, I still feel bad for not doing more for him in return. Again, there’s the ‘stretched-too-thin’ thing pulling me mentally if not physically in every direction.

I’d like to say a very public ‘thank you’ here to him, for all that he does for me. Thank you, John. I truly don’t know what I’d do without you. I know you say I should feel free to ask when I need help … know that I’m doing my best. And next time I stomp down the stairs in a very bitchy mood, know it’s only my own shortcomings – it’s not you, it’s me.

Back to addressing the rest of the people reading this.

I’m sure there are other people out there with problems asking for help. Do you try to overcome it? Have you succeeded? If so, how? I’d love some feedback on this.

Thanks.

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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JusJoJan 22 – Take Time

rose sky

Today, I’m a half a century old
Through the years, it’s true, I’ve been told
To take time with my nose
To oft’ sniff a rose
On this adage I’m most definitely sold.

Not quite a limerick, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

I think in the next half-century, (because that is surely how long I have left), I’m going to attempt not to fuss over things as much. Who needs perfectionism anyway? It is more important, after all, to take the time to appreciate the beauty that can be found in life’s imperfections. They are what makes things real and not manufactured.

Cheers to life, my friends. Live it to the fullest.

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!

P.S. If you missed my JusJoJan 21 installment, you can find it here on my fiction blog.


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JusJoJan 20 – Whoa!

I have love/hate relationship with those moments when I just stand back and go, “Whoa!” at something I’ve figured out after years of doing it wrong.

Today my “Whoa!” moment came to me concerning the operation of a car, which is something I’ve been doing for (I’m dating myself here) about 34 years. I was talking to the lady who manages the dry cleaner down the street, and during our conversation, we were discussing the inclement weather yesterday. She said she had been in a store for only a few minutes during the blizzard, and when she came out her windshield was already frozen so much that she had to scrape it off. That’s when I realized it.

I too, went into a store yesterday for a few minutes during the same snow storm, and when I came out, for the first time in all my years of winter driving, didn’t need to scrape the windshield. Why? Because for the first time in my life I drove to the store with the warm air blowing out at my feet and through the front-facing vents instead of the defrost, which warms up the windshield causing ice to form before I get back in. If the windshield is relatively cold all along, the snow doesn’t melt.

I’m wondering why in the name of all laziness have I believed since I was a novice driver, that if it’s cold out do I need to warm up the windshield? But that’s it! If I’m too lazy to brush the snow off when I first go out, instead of letting the warmth of the car do it, then I’ll have to either keep doing it, or waste gas letting the engine do it!

Whoa!

How I love that feeling: and how I hate having not thought of it before.

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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JusJoJan 18 – Dodged a Bullet

It’s both a blessing and a curse having a child who enjoys going to the hospital. Obviously it’s nice not to have to fight with Alex every time he gets sick – he gets sick a lot. He enjoys the attention he gets there; he loves to charm nurses and doctors alike, and to him, it’s an adventure. The downside is, he’ll pretend to be sicker than he is and then beg me to take him to see a doctor. And what better way, at this time of year, to actually catch something nasty, than sitting for hours in an emergency waiting room?

Last night he almost managed to convince me that he’d aspirated food into his lungs again. He complained of pain in his chest, that he was feverish, (he wasn’t) and he was just plain miserable, the same as he was on Christmas Eve. I suspected he might have been exhibiting symptoms from the flu shot he received the day before yesterday, so I decided to call Telehealth Ontario, a service we have here so that we can talk to a nurse, so see if our symptoms are worth taking to the emergency room.

The nurse asked me all the protocol questions before she would talk to me about Alex – is he responsive, is he in pain etc etc. I answered as honestly as I could. Yes, he was complaining of chest pain, yes he was turning blue around his lips (I explained he always does whenever he’s upset – it’s due to his heart condition) but no, he doesn’t have a fever. Finally she asked me a question that was relevant. When did he last eat? It was three hours ago. She told me that if he’d aspirated, the symptoms of that would have shown up earlier.

So while I was relieved, she was telling me to call 911 and have an ambulance take him to the hospital because of his blueness and his chest pain.

Why didn’t I? It was the sparkle in his eye that told me all he really wanted to do was visit his beloved nurses. Today there’s not a thing wrong with him.


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Balance

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Life is all about focus. Some of us focus mostly on how we feel within ourselves. If we are unwell, it’s the only thing on our minds, unless there is something more important going on outside our illness. When we are well, some of us focus on what is closest in our lives – our family and friends, our homes – and some of us set our focus to our jobs, the weather, and even what is happening in the world. We’re all different that way.

We focus on what makes us happy, and depending on our circumstances, what makes us sad.

In other words, we tend to focus on things that stir our feelings. But what if we could focus on contentment? Balance: that which makes us feel nothing at all. That fine line in which everything is perfect. Nothing is particularly wrong, or right. Everything just… is. The middle ground.

It takes practice, but it can be done.


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JusJoJan 13 – What Blogging has Taught Me About Subtracting

From this:

With the door closed it was very quiet in the room apart from the sound of birds cooing. Herman went to the window in search of the source. A line of tall, thick trees at the perimeter of a vast lawn surrounded the house. Daffodils and tulips poked up through the soil as close to the house as she could see without putting her forehead against the glass. Beyond the garden a cobblestone walkway, wide enough for two people to stroll side by side wound it’s way past a patio sat off to the left. To the right was a small brick building with six or eight sides, she couldn’t really tell from her vantage point. It was made of the same colour brick as the house and had many small windows near the top. It looked to be about two stories high. A shed, or a coop perhaps. She turned her back to the window see if the room appeared as domestically normal as the garden. The walls were paneled with dark wood and the furniture was antique, upholstered with red velvet. Along one wall, to her right, either side of the door hung pictures of landscapes rather than family portraits. The wall opposite the door was covered in fragrantly old books. A computer with a the large flat screen perched upon a heavy ancient-looking desk was the only evidence that she hadn’t stepped back in time.

To this:

The sound of birds cooing beckoned Herman to the window in search of the source. A protective line of tall, thick pines stood like sentries around at the perimeter of a vast lawn, and daffodils and tulips poked their heads up through the soil as close to the house as she could see. Beyond the flower garden a cobblestone walkway, wide enough for two people to stroll side by side wound it’s way past a patio off to the left. To the right stood a small red brick building with six or eight sides and a dozen small windows near the top that reflected the gloomy April sky. A shed, or a coop perhaps. She turned her back on the peaceful scenery outside, to see if the room appeared as domestically serene as the garden. The dark paneled walls were adorned either with painted landscapes or covered in bookshelves containing fragrantly old books, lending the student in her warm comfort. A computer with a the large flat screen perched upon a heavy ancient-looking desk was the only evidence that she hadn’t stepped back in time.

Above is first the original NaNo 2011 version of the beginning of Chapter 5 of my manuscript, and second is what I edited it down to this morning. What do you think?

I see this as the result of two years writing experience and endless blog posts which have forced me to write to be publicly read. I see this as the result of two very wonderful people who have critiqued my work and told me in no uncertain terms that I have to put the character in my descriptions. (Thank you so much, Janice and Connie. Honest critique is the most valuable thing a writer can receive.)

In all, I see the second version as something that a publisher might actually look at. But that was one paragraph out of 524 pages.

Back to work!

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JusJoJan 10 – Lazy Blogging

When I started this blog, I did so with the intention of writing well thought out, succinct, and grammatically perfect articles. They would all be of a decent length as well as entertaining, informative, and interesting. I would write to impress potential employers who would be so wowed by my writing skills that, after reading any given post, they would be standing in line waiting to throw money at me.

Apart from the fact that I haven’t actually applied for a job anywhere yet, I seem to have failed. I’ve become lazy. My posts are getting shorter and shorter, and surely having a goal of “jotting” something down every day doesn’t help me on my quest to achieve greatness with every article.

I’ve fallen into the trap of writing what gets read most often on WordPress – 500 or less words. “Less is more” has become my mantra, and conciseness my overlord. So while I might be getting better at stating my thoughts in short, sharp, crispy little pieces, my personal goal has gone by the wayside.

It’s not that I don’t put a fair bit of thought into my blog posts: most of them anyway. Yes, I’m guilty of just posting what I’m thinking at times, like last night while I was staring, drooling over a picture of a white sandy beach. But for the rest of them, I try to come up with something my followers will want to read.

But this concise writing is habit forming. I find that if I do try to write more, it ends up rambling. Then I edit it to make it sound good and, well, it ends up shorter every time.

It’s ironic in a way, that behind the scenes I’m trying to cut an originally 214K word manuscript down to a more reasonable 140K, and here on my blog I’m whining about not being able to write enough in one article, isn’t it? Perhaps that’s my problem. I’m getting into the habit everywhere.  Maybe I should post the clumps of text on my blog that I scoop out of my novel!

Wow, is this article ever going downhill fast.

To conclude, I’ve decided I need to do something about this. I’m going to try to write a more professional-sounding article once a week that’s between 600-800 words in length. I’m hesitant to commit to a certain day of the week, though maybe having a deadline will help. If I’m ever going to write professionally, it’s a habit I need to get into.

That way maybe I won’t feel as guilty about writing the occasional one-liner with a picture of a beach.

 

 
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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!

 


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JusJoJan 8 – What Facebook Keeps Teaching Me

If Facebook is good for nothing else, it’s an excellent way to have motivational sayings come across your desk every once in a while. I’ve seen this one a few times before, but with my birthday coming up it made me think. Contemplate life, even.

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It’s so easy to fall into the psychological trap of mourning one’s youth. As the years pass we find we’re not able to do the same things we used to, both physically and mentally. We wake up in the morning with new aches and pains, we find gray hairs in places we never imagined would go gray, and skin wrinkling in places reserved in our minds only for someone’s grandparent. Yet one thing is true – if you’re reading this, you’re alive, no matter how old you are.

Whether or not you consider this a privilege, it is what it is. You are alive now and have the potential, for at least another little while, to affect someone else’s life. I may just be affecting yours as I write this.

I think if I could leave behind any legacy at all, it would be to remind people of this: our shared human experiences and our emotions know no cultural nor religious boundaries, and each and every one of us has the ability to affect another of our species. So be good to one another.

We’re all connected, if by nothing more than Facebook, and by nothing less than being human.

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JusJoJan 6 – Vacations Are Fun

I’m at a crossroads, of sorts, in regards to my son, Alex, and his behaviour. Keeping in mind that it’s 5:46am and I’ve had two hours of sleep all night, I’m writing this here as both a way to get it in black and white so I can see the problem from a different perspective, and to put the conundrum out there in hopes that someone else has gone through something similar. My hopes aren’t too high.

First, the history: To say that Alex has a hard time making decisions is a gross understatement. When trying to choose, for instance, between staying home to play a game or come with me to the grocery store, he’ll change his mind at least a dozen times. He’ll get dressed and then completely undressed; he’ll whine, cry, scratch his head a lot – it’s utter torture. I have, however, reduced it from a half hour ordeal to, “I’m leaving, if you want to come with me, be ready before I walk out the door.” As a result the process now only takes five minutes.

He also suffers with the occasional insomnia, and for the past week he’s been combining the lack of decision-making skills with lack of sleep. The fact that there are two single beds in his room has never been a problem before. When my mother comes to visit on the weekends, she sleeps in his room and he’s quite happy with that deal. Only for a week now he can’t decide which bed he wants to sleep in. At approximately 2:30 every morning since before New Year’s Eve, he’s been doing the whining, crying, head-scratching routine. It’s torture for both of us, and it goes on for a couple of hours each night. I tried hanging a calendar in his room and striking up a deal with him that he sleeps one month in one bed and the next in the other. That worked for one night – coincidentally it was the same night he didn’t have a choice because Nanny was in the other bed.

So. I’m faced with a dilemma. Do I go to all the trouble of taking the extra bed out of his room?

On the surface it seems to be the logical thing to do.

Except: there is still the communication barrier thing going on. Not being completely fluent in my own son’s language – American Sign Language – I never really completely know if he understands the consequences of his actions before they happen. It’s always that one word I’m missing: “If you don’t get ready now, I’m leaving without you.” I will temporarily lose from my addled brain the sign for ‘without.’ Or, “If you don’t stay in one bed all night, I’m going to move the other bed out.” Is he getting that I’m going to move the bed? Or does he think I’m going to let him sleep in another room? Even if I turn the sentence around and keep it positive, I have the same problem. Aside from sleeping in his room, which is exactly what he wants me to do and will ensure that I’ll never sleep in my own bed again, I can’t keep him in bed at night. In the past I’ve been able to demonstrate what I mean. Like during the period when he decided to turn the television on in his room at 2am. I tried to explain to him that if he didn’t leave it off I’d take it out of the room, and when that didn’t work, I took it out of the room. He got it after that. Moving a bed, box spring and mattress down four flights of stairs is a rather more difficult undertaking.

So, my next thought was, tip the bed on its side and leave it where it is. Only that would be an all new brand of hell for my little darling and his OCD.

I know I need to ask his school for help. At this point his teacher is already practically living my life for me in regards to making sure he does as he’s told at home. They, unlike me, know how to explain things to him in no uncertain terms. It’s easy to see how vacations from school become nightmares at home.

Before you ask, there is no support for hearing parents to learn sign language for their Deaf children in the area.

Oh, and I just found out there’s no school today because of flash freezing. Oh joy.

Any suggestions, hugs, or paid-in-full Caribbean vacations can be left in the comment box and will be gratefully received.

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EDDD 31 – 2013, It Was Good To Know Ye

2013 has been a year like no other for me. It’s been a year of beginnings, and a year of finalities. From friendships to my figure, from anonymity to zealous writing, I’ve seen it all.

I’ve stayed in a house where I was haunted by my own characters, I’ve grown – not only by the twenty or so pounds I gained since Hallowe’en – but as a writer. I’ve finished two novels and have two blogs of my own, as well as having been included in two of the best sites on WordPress – The Community Storyboard, which will be up and running again in the new year, and by my dear dear friend, THE Opinionated Man on HarsH ReaLiTy as a guest.

But most of all I’ve had my dream come true. I’ve gone from a woman isolated from society by her life’s circumstances, to a blogger with connections worldwide, with people I have more in common with than I could have dreamed, and a few true friends as well.

2013 has blessed me with the discovery of community, and the privilege of having spent yet another year with the most loving three children a mother could wish for.

Every year I make resolutions which I never keep. This time around I realize their importance and will do my utmost to uphold them – not to mention this is the first time I’ve ever declared them in public. I have face to save!

To lose above mentioned twenty pounds is just the start. My intention is for this to be the year I come into my own as a writer and to get something published, whether it by my epic novel (my first choice) or an article for which I am paid. And finally, I wish to bring calm and love to those I hold dear – the one thing I strive for always.

A happy, healthy, wealthy, and peaceful 2014 to everyone!

Linda
xxx

Blog post of December 31st, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Please join in next year!