Life in progress


#SoCS – The Burp

I don’t burp. At least not often. When I do, I make a point of telling everyone I know, “I burped! First time this year!” and so on … I don’t think I’ve made it past six. I don’t understand how people can make themselves burp. Just the idea makes me want to throw up. And I really hate doing that.

My son, Alex, does neither burp nor throw up. He has a g-tube–a tube in his stomach through which he feeds by means of a pump and formula–and at six months of age he had a fundoplication. Rather than try to explain it myself, here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition:

Medical Definition of fundoplication

a surgical procedure in which the upper portion of the stomach is wrapped around the lower end of the esophagus and sutured in place as a treatment for the reflux of stomach contents into the esophagus — see nissen fundoplication

It means he’s not physically able to burp, let alone vomit. So if he needs to do either, I attach a large syringe minus the plunger to the end of a tube in his g-tube and I vent him, which is basically opening up his stomach to the air by means of a tube. The air comes out along with whatever else needs to, and he’s good to go. It’s like farting without the smell. I often wish I had a tube in my stomach through which I could release gas at will. Going through the regular channels can get painful.

But poor little baby Alex had reflux like nobody’s business. He threw up everything that went in. We tried drugs that didn’t help. We tried different formulas. I even pumped my own milk for six months while he was in the hospital. He couldn’t keep that down, either. (He finally came out of the hospital at eight months of age.)

So, yeah. Where was I?

Burping. Right. Can’t do it. To me it’s like giving birth to an air bubble.

And I’m leaving you with that thought.

This post with probably too much information is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to find all the other bodily functions posts from other bloggers and join in too!


The ONLY way to get rid of the hiccups (hiccoughs)

Whether you spell them “hiccups,” “hiccoughs,” or “damnit-I-wish-they’d-go-away,” they’re a plague upon the existence of mankind. They can be embarrassing: I’ve dealt with them as a receptionist at a busy magazine company, (when you have to answer the phone, they’re sure to be the loudest) and whilst buying booze. Try walking up to a cashier with a bottle of wine and the hiccups, and you’ll know what I mean.

And they’re always annoying. No matter how slowly you count to ten whilst holding your breath, they can last for hours. The moms reading this will probably remember having a hiccuping baby in their bellies… cute at first, but not at 3am. I’ve heard horror stories of people having them for days! Can you imagine?

So how do we make them stop? Everyone has their “sure-fire way” to end the hiccups, but mine is by far the best. Only one drawback – you need a friend to help. The ONLY absolutely reliable way to get rid of the hiccups is, drink an entire glass of water with your fingers in your ears. I promise, it works every single time.

If you don’t have a friend, the other way that works is, stand on your head and sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” while juggling three oranges with your feet. At least that’s what I heard.

How do you get rid of the hiccups?