Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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F is for Forefather

Up until now, the word “forefather” has always seemed a little redundant to me. Of course after I turned to it in my thesaurus as my word of the day, I looked it up to get a little more insight on what exactly it means, but in the past I was all like, “of course it’s a FOREfather. Can’t really be an AFTERfather, can it? Dad has to come first unless someone’s discovered the secret to time travel – and going down that road is just ewww…” *thinks of that episode of Futurama in which Fry discovers he’s his own grandfather* But now I’ve discovered it means every papa that came before dear ol’ dad it makes a little more sense.

I’ve never been much into family trees. I know I came from somewhere and while it would be nice to know whether or not I descend from royalty (my kids’ behaviour sometimes indicates that I actually may), since it doesn’t much help me one way or another I don’t really care enough to go delving. I understand there are cultures that are way into knowing where they come from and I think that’s very cool. Information like that, passed down through generations and not having to be discovered from scratch would be quite useful at times. Then again, finding out your predecessor was a dirty rotten scoundrel might be equally as disconcerting.

Before I sign off on this post I really REALLY have to mention one of the synonyms I found for “forefather.” I’m going to start using it any chance I get – it’s so cool. Ready?

PRIMOGENITOR

Seriously! Doesn’t it sound like some sort of awesome Transformer! Imagine, traveling back in time and meeting up with this ginormous dude made of space-aged plastic who bends down, and roars in a heavy, digitally enhanced bass, “I AM YOUR PRIMOGENITOR,” (with emphasis on the OR) and then picks you up and starts bouncing you on his knee.

Here’s a visual:

DSC00335

I’m happy I have primogenitors! Aren’t you?


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E is for Easy

And… this is the hardest word I’ve had to deal with yet. How ironic.

Actually, you know what? If you’re EVER looking for inspiration for something to write on your blog and you have an actual, physical thesaurus (because it’s not going to work with an online one), challenge yourself to write whatever you turn to. Even if you have to close your eyes, open the book and point. Whichever root word your finger lands on, write the first thing that comes into your head. Not good enough? Look at the synonyms! Everything you need to write a post is there.

Like this one – “easy.” The entry for this is full of not only words that mean the same thing, but there are phrases as well. For example: “easy as pie.” How easy is a pie? Have you ever made a pie from scratch? I haven’t. Why? It’s too damned hard! The phrase makes absolutely no sense to me. Or how about “like taking candy from a baby”? That’s not friggin’ easy! It’s cruel! Who the hell wants to take candy from a baby? If nothing else it disturbs the peace!

So what have I learned from this post? From this little exercise? That apparently the easiest thing of all to do today is get me into rant mode. Odd that some of the synonyms further down on the list are serene, tranquil, and untroubled. That’ll teach me to read the whole entry before I start typing next time, won’t it?

BATZAP by Doobster @ Mindful Digressions

BATZAP by Doobster @ Mindful Digressions

 


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C is for Commit

As you probably know, my words for this A-Z Challenge are coming at random from my thesaurus. I’m absolutely committed to sticking to the rule I set for myself to take whatever word I open the book to that is the second from the bottom on the left-hand page. This will not, by the way, apply to the letters X and Y and Z- there aren’t enough pages for those letters. But I digress. My main concern today for the letter C was one particular entry that just happens to be the second-last letter in the left hand column on page 104:

CAM00650

Yes, this could have been the word of the day. It was with a grimace and a prayer to the word gods of the planet Thesauri that I gingerly parted the pages of my big red book and believe me, it was with a sigh of relief that I discovered I wouldn’t have to talk about cocks. Luck was on my side; I landed instead on page 108 and the word “commit.”

I think to a certain extent we all have things that we’re compulsive over. One of my biggest compulsions is that I must stick to a commitment. I may even be worse–more determined–with the commitments I make to myself, though I’m pretty fierce when it comes to doing whatever I promised someone else I’d do. Which is why it just about kills me when I can’t keep up with these challenges I set for myself.

One of the synonyms for “commit” is “imprison.” I do, in a way, imprison myself when I dedicate myself to something. I box myself in but that’s really not all that bad. For an unemployed (at least in a 9-5 sense) woman, structure isn’t something my days are filled with. Yes, I have to get up when the rooster crows (see what I did there?) for my kids, and I have to be here when they come home, but what of the space in between when they’re at school? A commitment to something consigns me to a task. In the case of this particular commitment–blogging–you, my friends, are my overseers.

I wouldn’t let us down unless under duress.

What, apart from your family and your job are you committed to? And how far would you go to honour your commitment? I’d love to know.

 


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FLIP PHONE ON BED OF RICE

For a giggle AND a helpful tip, read this!
Note: Comments here are closed. Please comment on the original post.

rixlibris's avatarrixlibris

An Unintentional Experiment

Materials needed:

One flip phone, make and model optional.  I used a Huawei from Consumer Cellular.

Pair of jeans, label, size and style optional.  I opted for Levi’s traditional 501 button fly, size 32X32.

A household washing machine.

One large zip-lock sandwich bag.

A container of rice, Uncle Ben’s or brand of your choice.

Procedure sequence:

Load dark load into washing machine.  Strip pockets of jeans currently being worn and place all objects on dresser.  Answer ringing phone and engage in overly long conversation.  Upon concluding conversation place phone into hip pocket of jeans, right or left, your call.  Complete several chores before returning to laundry.  Slip out of jeans and add to dark load.  Start washing machine.  Allow an hour or so to pass and then return to laundry in order to place load into dryer.  Discover flip phone at bottom of washing machine.  Utter expletive or expletives…

View original post 162 more words


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A is for Aisle

Clean up in aisle two!

Don’t you hate it when you go into a store and the displays are set up so that the aisles are barely wide enough to get your cart through? And God forbid you should have a double stroller with two toddlers! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to back out of the narrow corridor that makes up the cereal section or worse, the cookies I just barely got my kids past in the first place.

I don’t understand why retailers can’t grasp the concept that shoppers are more likely to knock over their little cardboard shelving units than buy something off them. We don’t see the products on them – what we see are obstacles!

The above is my off-the-cuff response to my word of the day, found at random in my thesaurus on the left-hand, chosen-at-random page under “A”, second word from the bottom. I have, however, learned something new from this exercise.

One of the synonyms under the word “aisle” is the word “ambulatory.” As someone who has spent a great deal of time in hospitals, I’ve often heard the word in medical terms, as an adjective meaning to be able to walk or get around under one’s own steam. But apparently, used as a noun, it also means “a place to walk.”

Who knew?

Armed with this new knowledge, you can be sure the manager at my local grocery store will hear about it the next time he sticks an obstruction in the middle of the damned ambulatory.

Clean up in ambulatory two! Lady no longer ambulatory!


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One-Liner Wednesday – The Way a Writer’s Mind Works

My best friend John bought a loaf of Dempster’s Supergrain bread and left it on my counter. I didn’t notice what kind it was until early the next morning. I usually buy Seed Lover’s bread and so that’s what I was expecting – therefore, what I read in my early morning stupor was “Superseed,” which made me wonder if I should eat it before I finished the old loaf…
(supersede)

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

Have fun!


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Bedside Manner at the Dentist

I need your opinion on an important matter. First, the back-story.

Earlier this year I went to the dentist. I don’t like the dentist – this is something you need to know to truly understand where I’m coming from. In fact, “don’t like” is really a mild way of saying I’m a wuss.

It was my first time at this particular dentist and my first time in a long time at any dentist. I needed a filling. It all started great but then the dentist noticed my tooth was cracked. It needed some special attention. I, being who I am, let the dentist know in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t happy about what he was doing in my mouth. Suffice to say I said, “ouch” a few times.

It had already been determined that I needed two more fillings on the other side. The dentist suggested, quite strongly, that I should go to another dentist and get a general anaesthetic. I told him fine, I’d check and see how much it would cost.

Whoa.

So, I went back to the first dentist (to get a cleaning this time) and when I saw him I told him that I wanted him to do the other two fillings. He didn’t think this was a wise choice.

“But I can’t afford a general anaesthesia,” I told him.

“Well, you were in a lot of discomfort last time,” he said. “And besides, we have the other patients to consider…”

The other patients? I didn’t think I was that loud.

Dentists, even ones who don’t put you under, are expensive. The cleaning alone cost me hundreds of dollars, not to mention the fillings which were more costly. So here’s where your opinion comes in:

A) If you’re emptying your wallet at the dentist, do you have the right to be as loud as you want?

or

B) If you’re emptying your wallet at the dentist, do you have the right to a peaceful visit without someone in the next room wailing like a banshee/complaining that the dentist is trying to kill her/saying ouch?

or

C) Would you trust a dentist who had separate soundproof rooms?

or

D) All of the above.

or

E) None of the above.

Here’s a poll:

Please vote and add your two cents (or five, if you’re Canadian) in the comments. I need an answer to this conundrum!


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One-Liner Wednesday – Gettin’ Old

You know you’re getting old when you start thinking life’s too short to do things, like watch a movie, twice.

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

Have fun!


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A Quick Update before I Resist the Web

As is my usual MO, I’m trying to make the best of the bad situation that is not being able to do anything but hang about the house, by editing my novel. WordPress though, as you probably know, is the bane of any procrastinator’s existence. So. A quick update on my foot and then I’m outta here.

I went to see my family doctor this morning fully expecting an amputation somewhere around mid-shin. Not one but TWO doctors had a gander and they agreed. No infection. I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I was when they dejectedly put away their bone saw.

The diagnosis? The blister has turned into a blood blister, which is basically a glorified bruise deep under the skin. It does have to be treated however, to prevent an ulcer from forming.

The treatment? Soak it daily in salt water and pumice the dead skin off the surface and let it heal on its own. And if I have to wear shoes, a moleskin bandage must be applied.

So that’s it! My foot lives to see another day! Thank you so much to all who gave me such wonderful suggestions yesterday – it’s clear that some of you should be doctors yourselves. Especially the ones who aren’t overzealous with the amputation bit – yes, I’m looking at you, Glazed.

I’ll get caught up on all my comments and read all of today’s one-liners tomorrow. Now, I’m off to perform some magic with The Great Dagmaru.

Poof!


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Just call me Achilles

I’ve avoided whining about it for eight days but I’ve had enough. I don’t know exactly how a rant at this point is going to help, but here we go anyway.

I have a blister. OOOOhhhh, you say. Poor baby has a booboo. But this isn’t just a blister. It’s a boil sent from the universe to counteract every wonderful moment I had walking around Japan. It’s the bane of my existence. It’s the antithesis of joy come to smite me for being relatively healthy all my life. It’s the Blister From Hell!

Today will be my seventh day inside these four walls. Apart from going outside in the snow in -10 degree weather in bare feet and flip-flops last Friday to get Alex off the school bus, I’ve been completely housebound. Unable to wear shoes.

And for what? A spot on the side of my heel the size of a toonie (if you’re not Canadian, look it up) that’s gone from angry red to white and is now ringed in a lovely shade of mulberry with a gray poupon-coloured centre. (I’ll spare you a photo – you may never eat mustard again.) After eight days (EIGHT FRIGGIN’ DAYS) it still hurts to stand on my left foot.

What have I tried in order to relieve it? I’ve soaked it, I’ve popped it with mixed results, (the first time I tried I discovered it was a series of tiny blisters beneath the winter-thickened dry skin of my heels – I gave up after half a dozen attempts) I’ve tried grinning and bearing it, I’ve tried bandaging it, unbandaging it, putting cream on it, leaving it to dry… the result? I still can’t bear the idea of trying to get a shoe on. And I need groceries, damnit! I need fresh air! I need people–crowds–to inspire me to write something other than a whiny-rant/plea-for-escape!!

People, you are my last hope. Tell me what to do. To hell with sensitivity–I need results!