How many times can I be hit over the head by something obvious before it sinks in? One might hope being knocked out once would be enough. Not so much for some.

I try to live by the philosophy that to expect nothing means never being disappointed. Plans go awry, the weather won’t co-operate, machinery breaks down – the list is just about endless. In fact I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing I can reasonably expect is that the sun will come up every morning. Let’s face it – if the sun doesn’t live up to its promise, none of this will likely matter anyway.

But it’s in the area of promises where I consistently fail: this is what I need to stop banging my head against. When someone says they’ll do something and then, for whatever reason, backs out (in my case it’s usually my ex with his promise to take the kids until work gets in the way) the results on the psyche and the blood pressure can be devastating.

I have made some progress, however, with my philosophy. I’ve learned not to expect anything of anyone unless they make a promise. While it may seem sad on the surface, if you really think about it, it’s obvious. To expect something of someone just because it’s what you would do is silly. We’re all different. Just because I would drive a friend to the airport simply because they are my friend and they are in need, doesn’t necessarily mean they would do the same for me. So if I count on it happening and end up missing my plane, do I blame them? No. I blame myself.

This thread of thought came up because twice now, in my life, I’ve been in a position where two of my friends were having a fight. I had no argument with either of them, so I decided to stay out of it both times. In both cases, however, one friend decided that I should have stuck up for them. It’s what they would have done. It’s what a friend would do, they both said. In my view however, if someone picks a fight, they’d better know what they’re getting into and know they can handle it themselves before they begin. It’s not my fault that they had the fight – I had nothing to do with it. If I get into the middle of someone else’s fistfight chances are I’ll be the one who’s hurt – why should an argument be any different? So I sat back, let the dust settle, and then in both cases one of the parties decided that if I was friends with the enemy I couldn’t be friends with them. They demanded I be on their side, or I couldn’t be their friend any more. Guess which friend I chose to stick with? Yes, in both cases it was the one who expected nothing from me but their continued friendship.

Just because I never expect anything of anyone, doesn’t mean that everyone around me is beyond hope. If I simply hope that they will do things for me, hope that they will be honest with me and respect me, then when they do I can be pleasantly surprised and if they don’t, well, I wasn’t hanging my own choices and responsibilities on them anyway.

Now all I have to do is learn to hope that my ex will live up to his end of the bargain and take the kids every other weekend, instead of expecting it. I have to stop hitting myself over the head.

I’m still learning.