Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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One-Liner Wednesday – What do you get when you cross a joke with an idiom?

I may still not know, for sure, why the chicken did it, but I suspect the geese crossed the road because the grass is always greener on the other side.

whygeesewhy

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Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


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#SoCS – Unconcentrated randomness

For some reason my powers of concentration are failing me at the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m in a dorm room (rented out for the summer as a motel set-up) in Kingston and I’m in room 1106. Why is the number significant, you ask? It’s because I was originally in room 1105, but when I turned the lock on the door, a woman poked her head out and asked me what I was doing. Yes, they gave me the key for an occupied room. It’s funny, because every single time I enter a hotel room I wonder if there’s someone in there (when I enter it for the first time that is). And finally, it happened. So I went back to the front desk with the woman in tow and they apologized profusely. The woman was totally shaken up though, and I can’t say I blame her. I’m sitting here wondering if someone is going to walk into my room. Before you ask, no, there’s no chain, nor is there any other kind of device that’s only accessible from the inside. It’s just the lock on the knob. The woman is going to complain to the manager on Monday. She’s here for the month. Any bets that she’ll find other accommodations?

But today hasn’t been all bad. Despite the rain…

I got an email this afternoon to inform me that a short story I wrote has been accepted into an anthology. 😀 I won’t say what it is yet – I want to wait until the contract is signed. So I’ll be self-published and traditionally published! I’m looking forward to working with the editor on it. And an editor I don’t have to pay – imagine that!

There’s something comforting to me, strangely enough, about sitting alone in a hotel room. The quiet is profound right now. I think it must have something to do with the fact that I know I won’t be disturbed. Barring the possibility of a fire alarm of course. At least here in Canada there’s not much chance of an earthquake. When I was in Japan I was constantly aware that my room could begin to sway at any given moment. The literature in the rooms all said something to the effect of “Don’t panic, get under the desk (there is always a desk) and wait for further instructions.” I could easily imagine not being able to understand them. Ah, but we could get a tornado here…

I should probably concentrate on writing my novel, eh? Yeah.

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Find the rules to join in  here and then do it! It’s fun!!

SoCS badge 2015


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One-Liner Wednesday – The Opposite of Feverish

First, a little explanation: I have a spring in my basement. There’s a concrete hole in my concrete floor, and into it runs a constant flow of natural spring water. So my brilliant best friend, John, has decided he’s going to use it to concoct air conditioning for my house. However, it has to be 55 degrees Fahrenheit or lower. In order to check, he needed a thermometer. So he asked me, “Do you have an old thermometer around? One you put under your tongue?”
“John, I don’t think they make them go that low.”
His temperature is above 55! He might still be alive! *rolls eyes*

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Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

 


by 34 Comments

Totally Random and Somewhat Amusing

If it’s not one thing… I’m sure at some point or another I’ve started a post like this before. In fact if I have, it’ll probably show up in the “see also” previews below this post. And the truth is, I hate being negative. So I’ll just get this over and done with. It’s really not that bad. In fact it probably hasn’t even been worth all this intro to it.

You know I had a bug bite the other day that made my hand swell? Well, that’s better. Now I have a sore on the very tip of my “d” finger. Why do I refer to my finger as my “d” finger? It only hurts when I type. No idea what the problem is. Can’t see anything except a painful blister. Yeah, wasn’t worth the intro.

In other news:

I used a sprint (set a timer for 10 minutes and just typed until the buzzer went off) to kick-start my novel writing. I got less than 400 words written in that 10 minutes, but it got me back into my story. I managed to write another 1,600 words today. The moral of the story is, sprints work when you’re stuck. It’s kind of like stream of consciousness that no one will ever read.

Every time I see “Cookie Policy” on a website I think about my own cookie policy – don’t buy them if I don’t want to gain weight. And definitely not if I go to the store hungry.

How is it that people think by writing f*ck instead of fuck no one will be offended? Is an asterisk any less offensive than a “u” just because it looks like a pretty flower? Okay, maybe it is.

Getting back to not wanting to write about miserable things, I’m actually a funny person most of the time. You can tell by my humorous fiction over at my fiction blog. Oh, and the novelette I’ll be (hopefully) publishing next week! It’s a light, romantic comedy that you’ll be able to read over a lunchtime or two. On sale soon for just $0.99 at Amazon and Kobo. Watch out for my celebratory post when the details are finalized!

It’s hard to be funny when you’re under pressure to be though, isn’t it? Waaay back when my SoCS prompt was fairly new, I made the prompt for the week “funny.” We all found it difficult to write about anything that was laugh-out-loud funny, so most of us wrote about something peculiar instead.

Knock, knock! Hang on, that one doesn’t work very well in a post. Why did the chicken cross the road?


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Is it Live? Or is it Internet?

Do you remember the old Memorex commercial? No? If you’re wondering why I’m asking, see the title of this post. Okay, on with my point.

What kind of person are you? Are you like me and wonder what happened to someone if they don’t show up online for, like, twelve hours? Or do you figure they’re just living their life in real life? Because seriously, it’s hard to differentiate between online life and real life sometimes. If someone stays offline for three days it’s not the same as if they don’t come out of their house for three days. But we still wonder, are they laying on the kitchen floor in the puddle of grease they slipped on because it’s been thirty-six hours since they last posted a picture of a cat on Facebook?

You hear stories of how the mailman calls 911 because the old lady in 226 hasn’t emptied her mailbox since last Tuesday, but you do the same thing for your online friends and you end up with the police knocking on YOUR door with a restraining order. Okay, there may be exceptions: like when they don’t show up online for months (yeah, I’m looking at you, Paul Curran). But the fact is, we don’t really (usually) know what goes on in the background of our online friend’s lives. Just like we shouldn’t judge people by the way they look, we shouldn’t necessarily worry or think others are ignoring us when they’re not around the internet at the same time every day.

I do consider my online friends as friends. It’s a totally different friendship we have with our physical neighbours though. Right?

How soon do you start to worry?


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One-Liner Wednesday – You could feed a family of 4 with that!

major asparagus

Asparagus, anyone?

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Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


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One-Liner Wednesday – Burn!

There’s a story behind this one: It started with my best friend, John, writing on my fridge with magnets, “live laugh love.” Later, my eldest son changed it to “give tough love.”

So I spelled out the obvious.

egads
Clean your room or else!

“Egads!” was already there. It fits.

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


by 38 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – Wasted Time?

So I’m sitting in a Chinese restaurant, working hard at editing my novel, and I get this for my fortune:

CAM01530“An artist is not paid for his labor but for his vision.”

Damn it, Confucius! And you even forgot a comma! Proving yourself right I suppose?

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


by 34 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – You get it, right?

I posted this cartoon a while back on Facebook, and Dale was the only one who “liked” it. I thought it was quite clever.

It’s funny, damnit!

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

 


by 30 Comments

What they don’t tell you about menopause

I’m going to go off on a rant here. It may be bizarre–it may be the most bizarre rant you’ve read all month–but make no mistake about it, it’s a rant. Laugh at me if you must. In fact, it might be for the best if you do – for all of us.

So, menopause. You’ve all heard of it. Even if you’re not there yet or you’ll never be there, you probably know about the hot flashes. Some of you may have read or know first hand about the mood swings. The books all tell us about bouts of unexpected crying, of possible depression, and of flying into rages over the littlest things. But what about the laughter?

Laughter, you ask? I’ve never heard of a menopausal woman flying into a fit of laughter. Well guess what? Neither have I? So why am I ranting about it?

Imagine this scenario: You’re trying to get your kid into bed but he’s busy playing with the dog. You’ve been asking him to get into his pyjamas for fifteen solid minutes. You’re trying to make his bed so he can actually get in it, you’re frustrated, harried from a long day, tired, about to lose your cool, and suddenly the dog jumps on you and your kid starts giggling. And then completely out of the blue, despite the fact that you were just about to blow your stack, you start giggling with the kid. UGGHHH!!! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to start laughing when you’re trying to be mad?!?

And it keeps happening! Used to be when I was angry, I stayed angry. Wake me up six times through the night because you want to be covered up by me when you’re perfectly capable of doing it yourself, I’m going to be damned mad! I’ve got to get up in an hour, and I’ve only slept for 45 minutes all night! But now? By the sixth time I’m snickering and wondering if I’m ready for the funny farm!!

The only reason I can think of for this new bout of hilarity is menopause. Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this!!!???!!!

Is it just me? Is that why? If not, let’s discuss this well-kept secret so everyone can have it to look forward to, along with the damned hot flashes!