Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


by 58 Comments

Is it Live? Or is it Internet?

Do you remember the old Memorex commercial? No? If you’re wondering why I’m asking, see the title of this post. Okay, on with my point.

What kind of person are you? Are you like me and wonder what happened to someone if they don’t show up online for, like, twelve hours? Or do you figure they’re just living their life in real life? Because seriously, it’s hard to differentiate between online life and real life sometimes. If someone stays offline for three days it’s not the same as if they don’t come out of their house for three days. But we still wonder, are they laying on the kitchen floor in the puddle of grease they slipped on because it’s been thirty-six hours since they last posted a picture of a cat on Facebook?

You hear stories of how the mailman calls 911 because the old lady in 226 hasn’t emptied her mailbox since last Tuesday, but you do the same thing for your online friends and you end up with the police knocking on YOUR door with a restraining order. Okay, there may be exceptions: like when they don’t show up online for months (yeah, I’m looking at you, Paul Curran). But the fact is, we don’t really (usually) know what goes on in the background of our online friend’s lives. Just like we shouldn’t judge people by the way they look, we shouldn’t necessarily worry or think others are ignoring us when they’re not around the internet at the same time every day.

I do consider my online friends as friends. It’s a totally different friendship we have with our physical neighbours though. Right?

How soon do you start to worry?


by 31 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – You could feed a family of 4 with that!

major asparagus

Asparagus, anyone?

_____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


by 41 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – Burn!

There’s a story behind this one: It started with my best friend, John, writing on my fridge with magnets, “live laugh love.” Later, my eldest son changed it to “give tough love.”

So I spelled out the obvious.

egads
Clean your room or else!

“Egads!” was already there. It fits.

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


by 38 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – Wasted Time?

So I’m sitting in a Chinese restaurant, working hard at editing my novel, and I get this for my fortune:

CAM01530“An artist is not paid for his labor but for his vision.”

Damn it, Confucius! And you even forgot a comma! Proving yourself right I suppose?

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


by 34 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – You get it, right?

I posted this cartoon a while back on Facebook, and Dale was the only one who “liked” it. I thought it was quite clever.

It’s funny, damnit!

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

 


by 30 Comments

What they don’t tell you about menopause

I’m going to go off on a rant here. It may be bizarre–it may be the most bizarre rant you’ve read all month–but make no mistake about it, it’s a rant. Laugh at me if you must. In fact, it might be for the best if you do – for all of us.

So, menopause. You’ve all heard of it. Even if you’re not there yet or you’ll never be there, you probably know about the hot flashes. Some of you may have read or know first hand about the mood swings. The books all tell us about bouts of unexpected crying, of possible depression, and of flying into rages over the littlest things. But what about the laughter?

Laughter, you ask? I’ve never heard of a menopausal woman flying into a fit of laughter. Well guess what? Neither have I? So why am I ranting about it?

Imagine this scenario: You’re trying to get your kid into bed but he’s busy playing with the dog. You’ve been asking him to get into his pyjamas for fifteen solid minutes. You’re trying to make his bed so he can actually get in it, you’re frustrated, harried from a long day, tired, about to lose your cool, and suddenly the dog jumps on you and your kid starts giggling. And then completely out of the blue, despite the fact that you were just about to blow your stack, you start giggling with the kid. UGGHHH!!! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to start laughing when you’re trying to be mad?!?

And it keeps happening! Used to be when I was angry, I stayed angry. Wake me up six times through the night because you want to be covered up by me when you’re perfectly capable of doing it yourself, I’m going to be damned mad! I’ve got to get up in an hour, and I’ve only slept for 45 minutes all night! But now? By the sixth time I’m snickering and wondering if I’m ready for the funny farm!!

The only reason I can think of for this new bout of hilarity is menopause. Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this!!!???!!!

Is it just me? Is that why? If not, let’s discuss this well-kept secret so everyone can have it to look forward to, along with the damned hot flashes!


by 38 Comments

#SoCS – Dreaming

Ow, ow, ow, it hurts! Do you ever wake up and say that? Happened to me this morning – my head, all my joints, my stomach… I felt like someone had beaten me up in my sleep. It was probably due to the fact that I actually slept for about six hours in a row and then another one. I’m not used to laying down that long. But you gotta wonder if you are getting beaten up, you know? Especially after a dream like the one I had yesterday. I wrote about it on my Facebook page yesterday. When I’m finished this post I’ll copy and paste it here:

I just had a dream in which my son’s white cat (who never comes near me) came in from outside covered in snow. While I was drying him off, he turned into an East Indian man who wouldn’t leave the bathroom while I was trying to pee, then he turned the bathroom into the setting of a music video complete with a full band. They played a song and he sang – in the song he was trying to talk me into killing myself. Then I woke up. This is why I don’t do naps during the day.

Or maybe it was like a Friday the 13th hangover. I didn’t have a lot of bad luck yesterday – just a bit. I was worried for a while last night after I spilled 10mg of Alex’s heart meds on the floor and the dog licked it up. It’s meant to slow down Alex’s heart rate. Luckily the puppy doesn’t seem to have had any ill effects. He’s happily chewing a rawhide bone by my side. But back to Friday the 13th. I used to view it with fear. Now, not so much. It’s just a number, right? Why should Saturday the 14th be any better or worse? Except the hangover thing – possibly caused by the ultimate relaxation that comes from being tense all day the day before? Have you ever experienced such a thing? It’d be interesting to study the phenomenon…

I think my Tylenol is wearing off. Time for another couple. Ta ta.

SoCS badge 2015

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link and see how you, too, can join in! https://lindaghill.com/2016/05/13/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-1416/


by 29 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – Watch Out!

I’m about to take you into a dark place: My mind. Ready?

Momastrophe – A catastrophe of a decaffeinated nature, in which Mom doesn’t get her coffee in the morning. Momastrophe.

____________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do,
you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


by 25 Comments

#SoCS – Zoos

I’ve been to quite a few zoos in my time. The ones I can remember off the top of my head are the London Zoo, the Toronto Zoo, and the African Lion Safari. The link for the latter one is here: http://www.lionsafari.com/ Just looking at their site makes me want to go back. I think I might do that this summer with the kids.

Strangely enough, the thing I remember most about the Toronto Zoo is that, when I went there with my friends when we were in high school, there was a McDonald’s in the park but they didn’t allow straws. Nor did they allow plastic cutlery. I assume it was because people would throw them into the animal enclosures and the animals would choke on them. (Stupid people.) But do you have any idea how hard it is to drink a McDonald’s milkshake without a straw… or a spoon?

Why do stupid people ruin things for everyone else? Do you ever wonder? We just accept the restrictions we have on ourselves – restrictions which we know are in place to protect stupid people and the things stupid people affect. For the life of me, I can’t think of another example, but you know what I mean. If you can think of one, mention it in the comments, would you? Thanks.

What if we had zoos full of stupid people? We could stare at them behind glass enclosures and laugh at the things they do. Maybe they could share the monkey exhibits… We could throw them straws and watch them stick them up their noses. Give them hot coffee to pour on themselves… oh wait. There are warnings on cups.

Actually, we already do this, in a way. We have America’s Funniest Videos.

I’d better stop before I get myself into trouble.

Have you ever noticed that this stream of consciousness thing is kind of like being drunk? You say whatever comes to mind…

SoCS badge 2015This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link and see how you, too, can join in! https://lindaghill.com/2016/04/29/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-3016/

 


by 24 Comments

Windows – #AtoZ Challenge

Windows are wonderful, aren’t they? They keep us warm (or cool, depending on the season), and allow us at the same time to gaze upon the scenery outside. Through them we can watch our kids play… But windows are not that great when we want to say something through them, like, “Stop squirming already and come in for a pee!” Unless we know sign language!

I remember once driving up to a stop sign and seeing, half way up the street, my eldest son walking in the freezing cold.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“The mall,” he replied.

“Want a ride?”

“Sure, thanks.”

All from outside of yelling distance, and I didn’t have to roll the window down. Same thing when the kids had a play date in one of those huge indoor playgrounds. It didn’t matter that they were climbing through a kid-sized tube high above the floor and I was waiting for them to come down.

As soon as they looked at me, I signed, “Come down in 10 minutes for lunch.”

“What are we having?”

“Pizza.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Amazing, eh?

Problem was, it became a habit for me. One time that was particularly embarrassing, was when the father of one of my kids’ friends brought my son home. The dad didn’t get out of the car, he just let my son out and waved. Being the polite person I am, I signed “thank you.” He never spoke to me again. To this day I believe he thought I was blowing him a kiss.

Conclusion: sign language is a fantastic way to communicate, as long as everyone knows what you’re doing.