Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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A Good Job to Have on a Bad Day

Most of us have jobs. Some of us have careers. We all have bad days. You know bad days, right? The sort where you stub your toes on anything available that doesn’t move; your hair won’t do what you want it to; you put your shirt on inside out and don’t realize it until you hear the guy in the next cubicle who you hate with a passion, sniggering… One of those days.

I was cruising around Facebook, wondering what in the world I could write about today, and I came across a picture which has no relevance to this post other than that it inspired me to think: would I want to go to the dentist when he’s having a bad day? The answer, still in my head, was a resounding NO. If you’re wondering, yes, it did resound, and yes, just imagining the idea of a sadistic dentist hurt me in ways that my imagination should not be allowed to hurt me.

Then I pondered other professionals with whom I would not want to deal on their baddest days: a mechanic, a chef, a radiologist whose job was to perform a breast x-ray, a journalist doing an interview… the list goes on.

All this led me to wonder if there’s a good job to be doing on a bad day. I suppose if the job is solitary, there’s only oneself to harm. But even as a writer – a job that can’t get any more solitary – I abuse the hell out of my characters.

So, what do you think? Is there a professional you would feel safe with if they’re having a bad day? Can you think of anyone worse than a dentist?

Comment away, lovely people!


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“My Name is Davey Jones and I’m Calling From Windows Operating System”

Davey Jones: (with an Indian accent so thick, I could barely understand him) Is this Ms. Hill?

Me: (with my usual response) No I’m sorry, she’s not here right now. Can I take a message?

DJ: Are you a family member?

Me: Yes.

DJ: My name is Davey Jones and I’m calling from Windows operating system about your computer.

Me: I don’t have a computer.

DJ: Oh… well maybe you have a laptop?

Me: (looking at two laptops on the table) I don’t have a laptop either.

DJ: Oh… well maybe you have a PC?

Me: I don’t have a computer at all.

DJ: How old are you?

Me: That’s none of your business.

DJ: Are you a virgin?

Me: (hangs up, laughs out loud)

The phone number he called from is 607-723-1168. If you see this number on your call display, and you’re speaking to Davey Jones, please please please! tell him to fuck off on my behalf.

Thank you.


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JusJoJan 27 – Another Damned Snow Day

Why is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse playing on my television screen?

Because it’s a snow day.

Why is it a snow day?

Because the plows haven’t been out yet, so the buses aren’t running.

Why haven’t the plows been out? This is Canada!! We get snow!!!

Purportedly, the town I’m in hasn’t seen a real winter in five years. I haven’t been here that long, but I can say that out of three green Christmases I’ve experienced in my lifetime, two have been here in the last four years. So, okay. I get it. They probably didn’t budget for a real winter here this year.

But come on! The equipment is there – I’ve seen it. It came by yesterday. The staff has been hired … look out the window, city snow removal people! There are kids who really REALLY want to go to school! I can tell by the completely-absorbed-in-tv-and-computer-look on my little darling’s face that he can’t wait…

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?

Memories. They go back, if we’re lucky, to our early childhood. I remember waking up in the summer to hear my dad mowing the grass, or heading out to play golf. I remember playing with Barbies – I had this really cool miniature floor lamp that plugged in to a battery. I’d set up a living room in the 18″x18″x18″ cupboard in my parents’ coffee table for my dolls and turn on the light and close the door. Now that was exciting for about 30 seconds.

One of my earliest memories of television though, apart from the show “Laugh-In,” is a trailer for a movie, called What Do You Say To A Naked Lady? Thanks to Youtube, I can revisit that disturbing memory.

Allow me to share it with you:

What’s your earliest memory, disturbing or otherwise?


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JusJoJan 22 – Take Time

rose sky

Today, I’m a half a century old
Through the years, it’s true, I’ve been told
To take time with my nose
To oft’ sniff a rose
On this adage I’m most definitely sold.

Not quite a limerick, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

I think in the next half-century, (because that is surely how long I have left), I’m going to attempt not to fuss over things as much. Who needs perfectionism anyway? It is more important, after all, to take the time to appreciate the beauty that can be found in life’s imperfections. They are what makes things real and not manufactured.

Cheers to life, my friends. Live it to the fullest.

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!

P.S. If you missed my JusJoJan 21 installment, you can find it here on my fiction blog.


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JusJoJan 19 – All That Warm Technology

In the warmth of my living room, watching through the window as the snow flakes drift into fifties-style wannabe hairdos and watching my son play Wii Fit in his underwear, I realize how good I actually have it. Modern conveniences have given us such luxury. I mean, what if I was sitting, on a rock, in a cave right now (on my laptop of course, with full internet capabilities) worrying about whether or not I could scrounge up enough wood for the fire, wondering how far I’d have to walk because I’ve depleted the local fauna. I’d really be bitching to you over the web, wouldn’t I?

But no. I’m sitting in a warm living room, on a couch, with a kid giggling his head off every time his character jumps off the side of a floating platform to its flailing demise. Nothing bothers this kid of mine. He’ll play happily, as active as ever, while a machine pumps formula directly into his stomach as though this were the most natural thing in the world. I wonder if he’d still think so if we were sitting in a cave, watching the snow fall. Of course the machine would still be around. If I can have internet, he can have his feeding pump, right? And the manufactured formula that keeps him alive with all its non-yummy nutrients that don’t bother him in the slightest because he never tastes them.

All we’d be missing is the warmth. And the Wii.

Modern technology, I tell you. We could live without it.

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 Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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JusJoJan 15 1/2 – Words

On this, the fifteen and a halfth day (yes, I made that up because I want there to be a middle) of Just Jot it January, I’d like to refresh things by getting as many people involved as possible – with a prompt!

My dear friend Myas, last week reminded me of a post that went up on The Community Storyboard – again, a prompt – where we were challenged to find new meanings for ten words. Here is Myas’ post: http://preziosofrye.wordpress.com/2014/01/11/jusjojan-11th-word-geekery/

It was so much fun for me that I’d like to see what you can come up with. Yes, YOU! Find ten words of your own and redefine them. Post them on your site and then link your post back here in the comments so we can all see them. As an added incentive, I will re-blog the first three people who link back their post.

The following was my contribution from last July:

1. Barrage – how old you are when you can legally drink
2. Brandy – comes after brand C
3. Mystical – a foggy giggle
4. Ineffability – the spontaneous and continuous use of the eff word
5. Donut – a person enamoured with the expletives of Homer Simpson
6. Aftermath – period of time when one must go to history class
7. Morbid – before the end of the auction
8. Philosophize – speculate about something hardening (tell me if you get it)
9. Summarily – …and some miserably
10. Distract – the opposite of dat tract

Get yours in early!

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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You know you’re tired when…

… you wake up to the alarm at 5:30am and forget what it means and what you’re supposed to do about it.

… the phone rings on your bedside table and you answer your remote control and can’t figure out why it won’t stop ringing. (I watched my ex do this.)

… you don’t realize until you go to put the tea cozy on the milk that you put the teapot full of steaming hot steeping tea in the fridge.

The last I did years ago, the first was just this morning. What notable things have you done or seen when exhaustion sabotaged your poor, defenseless brain cells?


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EDDD -11 Feelin’ Bananas

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 Blog post of December 11th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out!


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EDDD 8 – ‘Tis the Season

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. The decorations are great, the coming together of family, the big dinner (which I have to cook, but I don’t even mind that), the joy and the caring community – *needle screeches across record* – wait, what was that? Caring community? HA!

I live in what I expect is the politest little city in the world – eleven months a year. But on that twelfth month, you’d better watch out!

If I lived in Whoville and the people from here could be called Whovillians for most of the year, come December they can only be considered Whovillains. The claws come out in the shops and they’re in such a hurry, they’ll run you down with their cars as soon as look at you. Gone is the interminable wait at a four way stop for everyone to say, “No, you go first.” Now it’s every man, woman and child for themselves.

It seems Christmas brings out the worst in people when they’re out in public – it makes  you wonder if those same people are as thoughtless at home as well, or if they’re just taking out their frustrations on people they don’t care about. Either way, it’s the most horrible time of the year to have to go out shopping!

‘Tis the season to be surly, fa la la la la, la la la la. Sing with me!

Deck your friend and plow your neighbour, fa la la la la, la la la la

 
Blog post of December 8th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out!