I’m a generally cheerful person. I try not to let things get me down. No, the situation in which I live is not ideal, but it’s really as good as it’s ever going to get. I have enough people and things in my life to make me content. I do my best for those I love, and though I could probably use a little more time off, I manage quite well, given what I have.
Yet I’ve found myself complaining a lot of late. If I was to stand back and have a frank word with myself, I’d say, “If you don’t like the way things are, change them.” So that’s what I’m going to do.
Here’s a photo of three poppies.
I think the one on the right is playing peek-a-boo.
What I really need is a vacation away from here. I want to get away – to get out of my miniscule world and experience something different. Not exotically different, necessarily, just off the block, out of town, to see new faces and unfamiliar places.
I want to break free, damnit! Thank goodness the Queen concert is coming up.
As a child I was led to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. I don’t remember when I discovered the truth about the latter two, but I do recall feeling betrayed by my parents when I reached into my stocking one Christmas morning and pulled out a gift with a price tag on it. At first I refused to believe it – they couldn’t possibly tell me such a blatant lie, these two adults who were constantly stressing to me the importance of telling the truth. But alas, we all know how it turned out. I’ve been wary of humans ever since.
Even worse than this, in my opinion, is telling kids that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be. I’m sorry, but if you stop growing when you hit four feet, you will not be a Harlem Globetrotter, nor will you be a famous opera diva if you can’t carry a note in a bucket. You will never be President of the United States if you were born in another country, no matter how much you want it.
I don’t care who you are – everyone has limitations. As adults, we learn what these are, and yet I still hear adults lying to generation after generation, promising children who can’t possibly know any better that they can do ANYTHING and be ANYTHING they want to be when they grow up. It’s total, utter bullshit.
In my own case, this on top of being told that everyone is good at something, left me feeling woefully inadequate. I wasn’t about to believe people who would tell me that I was a brilliant singer – these were the same people who told me there was such a thing as Santa. Hindsight shows me that in most cases, it’s just as well. Just look how many end up on TV talent shows only to be laughed at? So if I couldn’t be good at doing something I loved, what could it be? I tried guitar, figure skating, horseback riding … and ended up a bookkeeper. I couldn’t even type that fast. It’s only in the last fifteen years that I’ve discovered my passion for writing.
But I digress. The incident that brought this whole topic up was a conversation I had with Chris, my Autistic eighteen year old, in the car on Sunday. He told me he wants to be a radio announcer. I know for a fact that he’s been told he can do anything he wants. Radio announcer isn’t one of them, nor will it ever be. He can barely get more than two coherent sentences out of his mouth on the best of days. So I get to be the bad guy. I have to tell him he can’t do it. I tried to explain to him that he needs to get hired in order to talk on the radio, but he can’t understand why anyone won’t just hire him.
I can say with all honesty that I was reluctant to let my kids to believe in Santa. It came down to the question of whether or not to allow them that wonder I remember feeling when I did believe. But I can also say I never really tried to convince them he existed.
I’ve always maintained a realistic outlook for their lives. I’ve been truthful in telling my eldest that he can do almost anything. There are many things Chris will never do and I’ve always tried to steer him towards what is feasible. Alex as well. He will certainly never sing opera – and none of them will ever be President.
I’m sure there are people out there who have become exactly what they wanted to be – we all knew someone who was incredibly gifted and knew what they were cut out for at an early age – but few of them actually turned out to be the superhero they always dreamed they’d be (yes, that was one of my dreams too).
If you were like me and Chris, and your aspirations were outside the realm of what is achievable, then perhaps you’ll agree with me. Or maybe you were more down-to-earth in your expectations. In either case, telling a child they can do or be absolutely anything is something I’ll never do and something I wish others would put a little more thought into. You never know whose dreams you’ll eventually be dashing.
At the ripe old age of 50, I’m seriously considering starting a career. At the moment I have no income whatsoever, apart from the $15 I bring in every week (I know, put your jaw back in place) from my paper route. The government supports my kids because of their disabilities and we all live off that. If I’m ever unable to physically care for them anymore, or if they by some miracle are able to look after themselves, I’ll have nothing. Even now, I’m living beyond my means.
So I’ve been looking into University level courses to get an Editing Certificate. I’ve enjoyed the proofreading/beta reading I’ve done so far, and it’s something I could do from home, on a freelance basis. There are no Universities in the area that offer the course, however, so I’d have to do it online. Even if there was a course available close by, I’d have a hard time getting there with the limited time I have free due to looking after the kids. Add to that the fact that I can’t always be reliable given a certain day and time, and the concept of going to University is pretty much a flushable one.
Originally I was looking into the idea of taking a copy editing course, or even some more creative writing courses. I recognize though that it’s not recommended that one does one’s own final edit. And so no matter how good I am at writing, or how much I think my writing is perfect, I know it won’t be. If, on the other hand, I learn to edit other people’s work and get some money coming in from that, I’ll be able to afford to pay an editor to edit mine. It’s kind of like the old adage, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for one night, but teach a man to fish and he’ll eat his entire life” … except this fisherwoman will still be asking other people to fish for her. And THEN, maybe I’ll be able to do something about the little red line that goes under “fisherwoman” but not “fisherman.” First the Certificate, next, the world! Or at least the world of spell check.
Anyway, that’s what’s been going through my little brain of late. I’ve always wanted to go to University. About time I did, if I’m going to. Never too late to start, right? I don’t want to be sitting around in two years thinking to myself, “If only I’d started two years ago, I’d be finished now,” after all.
Is there anything you’ve wanted to start and thought it was too late? Has this made you want to get off your butt and do it?
It doesn’t take me long to run out of resources. Energy, both physical and emotional – hell, even spiritual – seem to dry up when I get to a certain level of stress wherein I’m running around like a daddy longlegs with half of its legs pulled off by a willful child.
When I reach that limit I go blank. Nothing works. I must stop moving, I must force myself to try to stop thinking of everything at once. I have, at these times, so many thoughts in my head that I feel as though I will explode. And then I am without.
Without anything to draw from. My brain fires on the remnants of the sparks of what energy is beginning to build up again but I have no control over which way they shoot. Sometimes it’s anger, seeping from my pores like lava, and sometimes there are tears that threaten never to cease. Rarely, it’s laughter. When it is, I know I’ll be okay again soon.
Without resources I feel useless. I exist on a plane apart from the rest of society. I float (yes, I am even without gravity) an inch above the ground, always in danger of taking off. Not up, but away. If I do, I’m afraid nothing will stop me until I’m lost.
Eventually I can once again focus. But only by focusing on myself, and not all of the people who demand my attention all of the time, can I come back to me. To regain my energy, my emotions, and the spirituality that centers me and keeps me in the moment.
It’s time again for your Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt! It’s been a week of having and lacking for me. It’s a condition that follows us all throughout our lives: the haves and have nots. If we’re lucky, neither stays with us for long. No one wants to be wanting, and yet if we had everything we wanted all the time, we wouldn’t know how to appreciate it.
This week your Prompt will be “with/without.” Choose one to write about or include both. Write about any subject you wish, as always.
After you’ve written your Saturday post tomorrow, please link it here at the prompt page in the comments so others can find it and see your awesome Stream of Consciousness post. Let’s have lots of participants again this week. Try it, it’s fun!
Here are the rules:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people will come and read your post! The way to ping back, is to just copy and paste the URL of my post somewhere on your post. Then your URL will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. For example, in your post you can copy and paste the following: This post is part of SoCS: https://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/05/23/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-2414/ The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
It’s official – I think I’m everywhere now. I just signed up for a Pinterest account today. Since starting this blog, I’ve added my name to Tumblr, Goodreads and Twitter … times two.
I created my second Twitter account for my novel… which brings me to a request.
I will be looking, I suppose soon, for an artist to render the cover, assuming I go the self-publishing route. I need someone who can draw or paint a realistic portrait. The picture I have in mind is pasted across the header of my novel’s Twitter account, here: https://twitter.com/thegreatdagmaru (Feel free to follow me while you’re there. 😉 ) For two reasons I can’t use this actual picture: one, it’s not mine, and two, because there are changes I’d like to make to it. It really just gives a general idea.
Among a couple of other things, this is the photo that inspired the novel. In my mind, some rendition of it must go on the cover.
If you know anyone who might be qualified and interested in doing some cover artwork, please let me know in the comments. Again, not in my immediate plans, but I’ll certainly contact anyone who is recommended.
In the meantime, if anyone would kindly explain to me how any of the above social media sites actually work, I would be truly grateful. I have no clue what I’m doing anywhere but here on WordPress – and even that’s questionable.
01:00 – The thirteen year old comes to my room to say he needs to be covered up again. I get up because he won’t leave me alone until I do, and the more he fusses, the more he wakes up.
02:01 – Cell phone rings. Squint at the number. Don’t recognize it. Decline call.
02:02 – Roll over to go back to sleep. Get cramp in left foot. Writhe until cramp goes away.
02:03 – Get comfortable again. Notice light in my eyes. Open them to be blinded by rays of moonlight like laser beams coming through window. Roll over.
02:04 – Am awake, wondering if the phone call was from eldest son, lost, alone on the side of the highway, with a phone he plucked from the cold dead body of the guy he’d just seen run over. (Okay, the body wouldn’t be cold yet, but you get the picture.)
02:25 – Thinks about getting up to write this post.
02:30-02:54 – Drifts back off to sleep.
02:55 – Cell phone rings. Answers it. Loud talking in the background and then a voice says, “Wrong number,” and hangs up.
02:56 – Cell phone rings again. Answers it. Person hangs up.
02:57 – Cell phone rings … again. Answers it. Lots of noise: voice says, “Still wrong number.” Well DUH!! Am clearly dealing with a rocket scientist.
02:57 – Cell phone rings. Picks up and listens. Voice says, “I think the number’s 0215…” Resists temptation to say, “YES! Try that!” They hang up.
03:00 – (While failing to get back to sleep.) Imagines how it might be possible to replicate fax machine noise for next phone call.
03:27 – Considers getting up to write post which will include phone number of non-rocket scientist so that people all over the world can phone said doo-doo at 2 and 3 every morning for the next week.
03:41 – Tries to figure out how to say 999,999 in Japanese.
03:50 (or so) – Drifts off to sleep.
06:25 – Thirteen year old wakes me up to let me know he’s going downstairs and that he’s going to let me sleep for another half an hour. Goes downstairs and proceeds to scream at TV for half an hour.
06:55 – Phone rings … cousin in England has forgotten yet again how many hours difference there are…
It’s going to be a long two weeks until I’m able to sleep again.
I (finally) had a weekend off and I managed to get loads of editing done. In doing so, even after reading it for what must be the twentieth time, I’ve discovered I like my story! so at least if no one else ever reads it, I can enjoy it over and over again. But having said that, I’m going to do my damnedest to get it published–fates willing–this year.
I began seriously thinking about the sequel to The Great Dagmaru and I got as far as writing a page of it. I’m extremely tempted to switch to the first person, past tense for the second book. The first is written in third person omniscient. I’m afraid of limiting myself too much by changing. If I remember correctly, it’s what Anne Rice did with “The Vampire Lestat” after having written “Interview With A Vampire,” so the concept isn’t without precedent.
Apart from that I didn’t do much worth writing about over the weekend. I did take this picture though:
Somehow the white in this photo is much more palatable than the white of snow, don’t you think?
Friday is here once again and time for your Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt! Taking pictures with colour in them (finally, no snow and ice!) has made me contemplate vision for the past few days. And so I thought about making vision this week’s prompt. But then I thought, why stop there?
This week your Prompt will be the 5 senses. Pick one, or include them all, but somehow get them into your Stream of Consciousness post. Or heck, put none of them in there! Now there’s a real challenge!
After you’ve written your Saturday post tomorrow, please link it here at the prompt page in the comments so others can find it and see your awesome Stream of Consciousness post. Let’s have lots of participants again this week. Try it, it’s fun!
Here are the rules:
1. Your post must be stream of consciousness writing, meaning no editing, (typos can be fixed) and minimal planning on what you’re going to write.
2. Your post can be as long or as short as you want it to be. One sentence – one thousand words. Fact, fiction, poetry – it doesn’t matter. Just let the words carry you along until you’re ready to stop.
3. There will be a prompt every week. I will post the prompt here on my blog on Friday, along with a reminder for you to join in. The prompt will be one random thing, but it will not be a subject. For instance, I will not say “Write about dogs”; the prompt will be more like, “Make your first sentence a question,” or “Begin with the word ‘The’.”
4. Ping back! It’s important, so that I and other people will come and read your post! The way to ping back, is to just copy and paste the URL of my post somewhere on your post. Then your URL will show up in my comments, for everyone to see. For example, in your post you can copy and paste the following: This post is part of SoCS: https://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-1714/ The most recent pingbacks will be found at the top.
5. Read at least one other person’s blog who has linked back their post. Even better, read everyone’s! If you’re the first person to link back, you can check back later, or go to the previous week, by following my category, “Stream of Consciousness Saturday,” which you’ll find right below the “Like” button on my post.
6. Copy and paste the rules (if you’d like to) in your post. The more people who join in, the more new bloggers you’ll meet and the bigger your community will get!
My best friend John was talking to me today about a man he works with named Mike. Last night Mike didn’t show up for work; apparently he just found out he has cancer.
Mike is 32 years old, just got married, his wife just had a baby and they just bought a house. The cancer spread from his testicles and is now in his stomach. Nine weeks of chemo await him.
Yesterday, I took a picture of a tree.
I feel lucky to have what I believe is a bunch of open-minded people following my blog. So I ask you, please try to see the connection.
In life, there is so much beauty. While I’m sure Mike is worried as hell for himself and his new family, and it might be impossible at the moment for him to see what he has gained in light of what he has potentially lost, this is what I would advise him, if I knew him: focus on the beauty in every single day.
It’s so much easier for we who are not suffering to see the positive in things. The very last thing I mean to do is be glib. But each and every one of us is dying. Every thing that lives, will die. This is what connects us.
Please, send some positive thoughts out for Mike, and for all who suffer. And don’t forget to look for beauty, everywhere you go.
lindaghill.com 