I friend needed cheering up, so I thought I’d post these. They’re as old as the hills – I wish I could remember where I got them.
Anyway, here you go, Pam.
Category Archives: Funny
2/16 Yesterday’s News – Don’t Try So Hard
In the pursuit of changing it up once in a while, we are encouraged as writers to search for different words to say the same thing. Using the same ones over and over can distract the reader from the point we are trying to make. But at the same time, if we do a bad job of it, the wrong turn of phrase can be even worse than the repetitive one.
Take the article I found in yesterday’s paper for instance. The piece is well written; it concerns the annual recognition of immigrants, refugees and international students learning English as a Second Language. There is no credit given to the writer of the article – credit is given to the paper’s “Staff,” and I have to wonder if this is the reason why:
I don’t know about anyone else, but for me this phrase conjures up all kinds of horror.
Is it possible to take the whole “find another way to say it” process too far? Absolutely. You have to appreciate it when someone has the guts to publish it in a font four times the size of the rest of the text… but then again, whoever did, lacked the balls to put his/her name on it. I know I wouldn’t.
“Yesterday’s News” is a challenge I have set for myself to post a blog entry once a day, every day until Hallowe’en, and possibly beyond.
Caution: Distracted Driving Ahead
The following sign is on a route which has little pedestrian traffic and is written to target drivers:
All two sentences of it.
…. Seriously?
Or perhaps they should just save energy and put the target on the bumper of the car you’re tailgating while you’re trying to read the stupid sign!
Cows are rarely wrong
Back when I was five years old, I remember being on vacation with my mother in England. On this particular day that so clearly comes to mind, we were driving to the seaside. My uncle, who was driving, told me that it was a good sign that the cows were standing up in the pastures as we drove by.
“Why?” I asked in a perfectly five year old fashion.
“Because when the cows lay down it means it’s going to rain,” he explained.
Since that time I’ve taken predictive cow thing to the next level – to a degree of percentages. So for instance, if three quarters of the cows in a field are standing up, there is a potential for a 25% chance of rain.
So today I was driving to where my son was at camp. It was out in the middle of nowhere and inevitably I passed a field where there were horses and only one cow. It was bright and sunny, but the cow was laying down.
Shit, it’s going to rain, thought I.
When I passed the same cow on my way home, my windshield wipers going as fast as they could, I nodded to the cow.
Adventures on my Paper Route – Angry Birds and a Plucking
It’s been a while since I last had anything to post about on my paper route. Of late my walk around the block has been lacking in anything adventurous… but now I have two things to report!
First, one of my customers has a robin’s nest tucked into the corner of the overhang above his front door where the mailbox is located. Every day I’m dive-bombed by an anxious male robin when I try to deliver the paper. Who knew male robins could be so aggressive? I would never hurt it, but it flies so close to my head that all I would need to do is raise my hand and I could knock the silly thing out of the air.
In other news, they trimmed Nosehair!
Before
After
I’m not sure if Nosehair is pleased with his freshly plucked proboscis… I, on the other hand, am considering a new nickname for my leafy friend. Any suggestions?
Where’s a burned out brake light when you need it?
I had my brake light replaced yesterday. That’s my back story.
Speed forth to today.
Leaving my house this morning, I was stopped by a frantically waving mother (mine). She wanted to let me know that my headlights were on. I explained to her that they were Daytime Running Lights (DRLs). I didn’t get into the fact that they have been required by law in cars in Canada for the past 21 years… my mother is 83 years old. There are many things I don’t bother to try to explain to her anymore. Anyhoo, that was my first notice today of DRLs.
The second one came this afternoon on my way back home. I was being followed by a cop car – which had one of its DRLs out. Because I just had a brake light blow, I imagined the scene in which I hadn’t already had it replaced and I got pulled over. My imaginary conversation went something like this:
Cop: You have a light out.
Me: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.
Cop: Do you know how many times I’ve heard that?
Me: But did you have any idea that you’d be the next one saying it? (I point at his DRL and smirk, ruthlessly.)
Cop: (Puts his hand over his mouth, giggles, and runs back to his car and speeds away in embarrassment.)
Okay, so it probably wouldn’t go exactly like that. But I would have liked to have seen the look on his face, wouldn’t you?
Unluckiest Man Alive, Dies
I wrote this today, on The Community Storyboard. Check out this and more awesome works of fiction by many fantastic writers!
Now that’s a guarantee!
freedigitalphotos.net
“Top Quality Engagement Rings 80% OFF With Lifetime Guarantee.”
This was the subject line of an email which just showed up in my Spam folder. What I want to know is, a) is the ring guaranteed, or b) does it mean that you’re going to be stuck with the person you get engaged to for the rest of your life whether you want to or not, simply because the damned ring was guaranteed?
“Honey, I know I’m an flabbergasting bitch, and I’m spending every dime you make on shoes and male strippers but, you know… the ring….”
Fiction is funnier
An encounter this morning with a cashier at the grocery store left me wondering what planet I’m living on. This is how it went:
Her: Hello, how are you?
Me: Fine thanks.
Her: (looking at my t-shirt) What’s that, ‘Ty Chy’?
Me: (realising I’m wearing my Tai Chi practice shirt) Oh! It’s Tai Chi.
Her: What’s that, some kind of food?
Me: (not wanting to confuse her with science) No, it’s an exercise.
Her: (blank stare)
Me: Sort of like yoga.
Her: OH! Yoda! That’s that meditation stuff, right?
Me: (not wanting to get into it) Yeah.
Her: That’s when they tell you if you concentrate enough you can move this way and put that there and Avada Kedavra, you’re flat on your face.
Me: Right.
I wonder if I could have got away with paying for my groceries with Gringotts gold…
photo source: Wikia
lindaghill.com 