Life in progress

Category Archives: Funny


by 16 Comments

6/16 – Yesterday’s News – The Hotel Experience

My local newspaper – the one I deliver – isn’t published on Sundays, so I instead get the Toronto Sun. I had a hard time finding anything that inspired me until I came across an actual writing prompt, so I figured what the hell.

The prompt encourages people to enter onto the Sun’s facebook page the story of a memorable hotel stay. I couldn’t decide which one I should write about, so I’ll do them all. Considering how many rooms I’ve stayed in, there aren’t that many that are worth mentioning. After all, how memorable is one room over another in most cases?

There was my weekend with my ex – a rare ‘escape-the-kids’ weekend – when we got a theme room  at the Fireside Inn in Kingston, Ontario. The theme itself wasn’t the best part however. What really tickled my fancy was the shower for two, complete with two shower heads, each with its own temperature control. I wish I could say I need one of those at home, but alas… the ex is still an ex.

The only really bad experience I can remember was in Kurashiki, Japan. Since I was headed out to a concert the night I was there, I decided not to rent a lamp… So I went back to the room with my corner-store bought spaghetti dinner and ate in the dark. The next morning when I took a shower, I found the bathtub to be so creaky I hurried as fast as I could through my shower. It would have been a short but embarrassing trip from room 305 to room 205 in that state of undress.

At the Grand Prince Hotel in Hiroshima, on the other hand, I was quite impressed with the bathroom in my room. Not only was the ceramic floor heated, but there was some sort of heating system behind the mirror as well, so there was a spot at just my height (I’m short and stereotypically so are Japanese people) that stayed clear from the steam of the shower. Very impressive. The view from my room was also out of this world.

Sunrise, Hiroshima

Sunrise, Hiroshima

The last and second most impressive stay I’ve had in a hotel was at the Chateau Montebello in Montebello, Quebec. (Click the link.) It was really just up the street from where I lived at the time, and I needed a weekend away. My ex agreed to look after the kids so I took the cheapest room in the place, just for myself, for two nights. I was surprised to find a note from the management on the second day to say they’d made a mistake and double booked my room so they were moving me out. Paint a picture of yourself of an outraged, overworked mother, wearing the cheapest of clothing, carrying her luggage half in plastic shopping bags, standing at the front desk of a resort hotel that has entertained Prime Ministers and Presidents, (G-7 Summit) practically jumping up and down at the unfairness of it all. Got that? Okay. Now paint for yourself a picture of a woman luxuriating in the Pierre Elliot Trudeau suite (see the Deluxe River View Room) sitting back on a king sized bed gazing out the window at exquisitely manicured gardens, and beyond, a gorgeous view of the Ottawa River, and you’ve got my wonderful stay in a room for which I paid only a fraction of the price it was worth.

And the best place I’ve ever stayed? Has to be The Hochelaga Inn, in Kingston, Ontario.

So, there you have it. I encourage you to click the links. The only one I don’t have a link for is the one in Kurashiki – I don’t remember the name of the place, but I’m sure I’d recognize it if I ever go back. The town itself is beautiful, so I would encourage anyone to visit. Just check to make sure you don’t have to rent a lamp when you stay there and you should be safe.


by 4 Comments

Some Funnies

I friend needed cheering up, so I thought I’d post these. They’re as old as the hills – I wish I could remember where I got them.

Anyway, here you go, Pam.

a325938

a325996

a325977


by 4 Comments

2/16 Yesterday’s News – Don’t Try So Hard

In the pursuit of changing it up once in a while, we are encouraged as writers to search for different words to say the same thing. Using the same ones over and over can distract the reader from the point we are trying to make. But at the same time, if we do a bad job of it, the wrong turn of phrase can be even worse than the repetitive one.

Take the article I found in yesterday’s paper for instance. The piece is well written; it concerns the annual recognition of immigrants, refugees and international students learning English as a Second Language. There is no credit given to the writer of the article – credit is given to the paper’s “Staff,” and I have to wonder if this is the reason why:

Second Tongue

I don’t know about anyone else, but for me this phrase conjures up all kinds of horror.

Is it possible to take the whole “find another way to say it” process too far? Absolutely. You have to appreciate it when someone has the guts to publish it in a font four times the size of the rest of the text… but then again, whoever did, lacked the balls to put his/her name on it.  I know I wouldn’t.

“Yesterday’s News” is a challenge I have set for myself to post a blog entry once a day, every day until Hallowe’en, and possibly beyond.


by 33 Comments

Caution: Distracted Driving Ahead

The following sign is on a route which has little pedestrian traffic and is written to target drivers:

DDM

All two sentences of it.

DDM2

…. Seriously?

Or perhaps they should just save energy and put the target on the bumper of the car you’re tailgating while you’re trying to read the stupid sign!

 

 

Oh! Oh! Can I play?

by 11 Comments

noughtsandcrosses (1)


by 52 Comments

Cows are rarely wrong

Back when I was five years old, I remember being on vacation with my mother in England. On this particular day that so clearly comes to mind, we were driving to the seaside. My uncle, who was driving, told me that it was a good sign that the cows were standing up in the pastures as we drove by.

“Why?” I asked in a perfectly five year old fashion.

“Because when the cows lay down it means it’s going to rain,” he explained.

Since that time I’ve taken predictive cow thing to the next level – to a degree of percentages. So for instance, if three quarters of the cows in a field are standing up, there is a potential for a 25% chance of rain.

So today I was driving to where my son was at camp. It was out in the middle of nowhere and inevitably I passed a field where there were horses and only one cow. It was bright and sunny, but the cow was laying down.

Shit, it’s going to rain, thought I.

When I passed the same cow on my way home, my windshield wipers going as fast as they could, I nodded to the cow.


by 22 Comments

Adventures on my Paper Route – Angry Birds and a Plucking

It’s been a while since I last had anything to post about on my paper route. Of late my walk around the block has been lacking in anything adventurous… but now I have two things to report!

First, one of my customers has a robin’s nest tucked into the corner of the overhang above his front door where the mailbox is located. Every day I’m dive-bombed by an anxious male robin when I try to deliver the paper. Who knew male robins could be so aggressive? I would never hurt it, but it flies so close to my head that all I would need to do is raise my hand and I could knock the silly thing out of the air.

In other news, they trimmed Nosehair!

Before

Before

After

After

I’m not sure if Nosehair is pleased with his freshly plucked proboscis… I, on the other hand, am considering a new nickname for my leafy friend. Any suggestions?


by 16 Comments

Where’s a burned out brake light when you need it?

I had my brake light replaced yesterday. That’s my back story.

Speed forth to today.

Leaving my house this morning, I was stopped by a frantically waving mother (mine). She wanted to let me know that my headlights were on. I explained to her that they were Daytime Running Lights (DRLs). I didn’t get into the fact that they have been required by law in cars in Canada for the past 21 years… my mother is 83 years old. There are many things I don’t bother to try to explain to her anymore. Anyhoo, that was my first notice today of DRLs.

The second one came this afternoon on my way back home. I was being followed by a cop car – which had one of its DRLs out. Because I just had a brake light blow, I imagined the scene in which I hadn’t already had it replaced and I got pulled over. My imaginary conversation went something like this:

Cop: You have a light out.

Me: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

Cop: Do you know how many times I’ve heard that?

Me: But did you have any idea that you’d be the next one saying it? (I point at his DRL and smirk, ruthlessly.)

Cop: (Puts his hand over his mouth, giggles, and runs back to his car and speeds away in embarrassment.)

Okay, so it probably wouldn’t go exactly like that. But I would have liked to have seen the look on his face, wouldn’t you?


by Leave a comment

Unluckiest Man Alive, Dies

I wrote this today, on The Community Storyboard. Check out this and more awesome works of fiction by many fantastic writers!


by 11 Comments

Now that’s a guarantee!

freedigitalphotos.net

freedigitalphotos.net

“Top Quality Engagement Rings 80% OFF With Lifetime Guarantee.”

This was the subject line of an email which just showed up in my Spam folder. What I want to know is, a) is the ring guaranteed, or b) does it mean that you’re going to be stuck with the person you get engaged to for the rest of your life whether you want to or not, simply because the damned ring was guaranteed?

 “Honey, I know I’m an flabbergasting bitch, and I’m spending every dime you make on shoes and male strippers but, you know… the ring….”