Life in progress

Tag Archives: humour


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JusJoJan 16 – Sometimes I Have the Strangest Conversations

Yesterday I had to take my son, Alex, to the doctor to get a note for school. It wasn’t for a high-risk field trip; it wasn’t because of some strange sort of disease the school needed to be assured he was free from – nothing like that.

I needed a note to say that he was allowed to eat. The first conversation on the phone with the doctor’s secretary went something like this:

Me: Hi. I need an appointment to get a doctor’s note.

Secretary: Okay, what is it for?

Me: Well, you see, the nurse at his school won’t let him eat until he has an all-clear from the doctor.

Secretary: Soooo, when was the last time he went to school?

Me: Today.

Secretary: How long has it been since the school didn’t allow him to eat.

Me: It’s been about a week.

Secretary: ….

Me: So can I get an appointment soon? Or…

Secretary: I don’t understand.

Me: Neither do I.

All of this, of course, came about because he aspirated (inhaled and had lodged in his right lung) a piece of food on Christmas Eve. For the most part he is tube fed, but the school wants to make sure it’s safe for him to eat before they’ll let him do so.

So today I went to the doctor. That conversation went as follows:

Doctor: Sooo… what do you want me to write?

Me: Just say he can eat. OH, and drink. I don’t want to have to bother you again in case they decide that’s against the rules as well.

Doctor: And he’s been fine when he eats at home, right?

Me: As fine as he’s ever been.

Doctor: Oookay.

(She starts typing.)

Me: I guess this isn’t something you write a note for every day, eh?

Doctor: Err, no.

Today, Alex went to school with the note in his backpack. After not being allowed to eat with the other kids for a week, he’s a happy camper.

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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JusJoJan 15 1/2 – Words

On this, the fifteen and a halfth day (yes, I made that up because I want there to be a middle) of Just Jot it January, I’d like to refresh things by getting as many people involved as possible – with a prompt!

My dear friend Myas, last week reminded me of a post that went up on The Community Storyboard – again, a prompt – where we were challenged to find new meanings for ten words. Here is Myas’ post: http://preziosofrye.wordpress.com/2014/01/11/jusjojan-11th-word-geekery/

It was so much fun for me that I’d like to see what you can come up with. Yes, YOU! Find ten words of your own and redefine them. Post them on your site and then link your post back here in the comments so we can all see them. As an added incentive, I will re-blog the first three people who link back their post.

The following was my contribution from last July:

1. Barrage – how old you are when you can legally drink
2. Brandy – comes after brand C
3. Mystical – a foggy giggle
4. Ineffability – the spontaneous and continuous use of the eff word
5. Donut – a person enamoured with the expletives of Homer Simpson
6. Aftermath – period of time when one must go to history class
7. Morbid – before the end of the auction
8. Philosophize – speculate about something hardening (tell me if you get it)
9. Summarily – …and some miserably
10. Distract – the opposite of dat tract

Get yours in early!

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Post on your site, and join Just Jot it January. The rules are easy!

1. It’s never too late to join in, since the “Jot it” part of JusJoJan means that anything you jot down, anywhere (it doesn’t have to be a post) counts as a “Jot.” If it makes it to WordPress that day, great! If it waits a week to get from the sticky note to your screen, no problem!
2. If you write a JusJoJan post on your blog, you can ping it back to the above link to make sure everyone participating knows where to find it.
3. Write anything!
4. Have fun!


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You know you’re tired when…

… you wake up to the alarm at 5:30am and forget what it means and what you’re supposed to do about it.

… the phone rings on your bedside table and you answer your remote control and can’t figure out why it won’t stop ringing. (I watched my ex do this.)

… you don’t realize until you go to put the tea cozy on the milk that you put the teapot full of steaming hot steeping tea in the fridge.

The last I did years ago, the first was just this morning. What notable things have you done or seen when exhaustion sabotaged your poor, defenseless brain cells?


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EDDD -11 Feelin’ Bananas

DSC00018

 

 

 Blog post of December 11th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out!


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EDDD 8 – ‘Tis the Season

I have a love/hate relationship with Christmas. The decorations are great, the coming together of family, the big dinner (which I have to cook, but I don’t even mind that), the joy and the caring community – *needle screeches across record* – wait, what was that? Caring community? HA!

I live in what I expect is the politest little city in the world – eleven months a year. But on that twelfth month, you’d better watch out!

If I lived in Whoville and the people from here could be called Whovillians for most of the year, come December they can only be considered Whovillains. The claws come out in the shops and they’re in such a hurry, they’ll run you down with their cars as soon as look at you. Gone is the interminable wait at a four way stop for everyone to say, “No, you go first.” Now it’s every man, woman and child for themselves.

It seems Christmas brings out the worst in people when they’re out in public – it makes  you wonder if those same people are as thoughtless at home as well, or if they’re just taking out their frustrations on people they don’t care about. Either way, it’s the most horrible time of the year to have to go out shopping!

‘Tis the season to be surly, fa la la la la, la la la la. Sing with me!

Deck your friend and plow your neighbour, fa la la la la, la la la la

 
Blog post of December 8th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out!


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EDDD 7 – Superstitious Feelin’

Superstitions are fun, aren’t they?

There are the old standbys, like not walking under a ladder (which is really common sense if you think about it), or the black cat crossing your path being bad luck. For good luck we have the found penny, though it seems to me there are fewer good luck superstitions than bad ones.

If you think of any more, leave them in the comments.

Anyway. The real reason for this post is to talk about the superstitions that run in families. Many of us have them I think.

Mine include:

  • if your hand itches: rub it on wood and it’s sure to be good, rub it on your ass and it’s sure to pass. This refers to good luck. Hey, there’s one!
  • lilies signify death. Don’t give them.
  • never seat 13 at the table – I’ve never known quite what to do if I actually have 12 guests. Then again, I’ve never had a table big enough. 😛
  • if you drop a knife, don’t pick it up yourself or you’ll have a bad surprise. When someone else picks it up for you, don’t say thank you, or they’ll have a bad surprise. So if you come to my house and there’s a knife on the floor, you’ll know why. And don’t expect any appreciation if you pick it up.  😉

What are some of yours?

 
Blog post of December 7th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out!


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EDDD 6 – Listen To Your Heart

“Listen to your heart.” What does it mean?

It’s a phrase we hear all the time. Songs have been sung, people pass it off as words of wisdom to the forlorn and the heartbroken. I found it in my horoscope today. The sentence before it stated that my emotions must not be ignored.

As advice, it sounds pretty. It lends to the imagination the idea that our hearts speak to us and can guide us on which way to go when we are unsure. But when we listen to our hearts, must we necessarily go in the direction we really want? Or does it mean that we should do what we know is right?

I wonder if cardiologists everywhere roll their eyes whenever they hear the phrase spoken aloud?

Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump…

Blog post of December 6th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out! It’s not too late to join in!


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EDDD 5: They Should Have a Word For That

There should be a word specifically for the feeling you get when you say something you shouldn’t have.

It happens to everyone, I’m sure. It’s the verbal vomit that comes out of your mouth in what we delicately label a faux pas.

It’s the facebook post that you realize was something that should have been kept a secret, or the mass email you thought you’d sent to only your best friend and closest confidant, just to discover your kids’ teacher is now aware that you have a yeast infection.

For things like this, the word “regret” doesn’t quite cut it. It’s that disconnect that separates good intention from devastating action.

Even the witty comment you think of half an hour after the fact, which is far less embarrassing but easily as annoying.

Communication impediment is too bulky. Linguistically challenged comes to mind… How about “linge”?

We could say, “Excuse me, I linged,” when we ask an acquaintance how her husband is, only to find out she just went through an ugly divorce. Or, “Damnit, I could have said ‘Duck!’ when the ball came flying through the air behind that guy, rather than ‘Watch out!’ making him turn and get it in the face instead. What a linge!”

Yeah, “linge.” It’s gonna be big.

Blog post of December 5th, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out! It’s not too late to join in!


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Adventures on my Paper Route – Danger!

So I was walking across the main road that’s on my paper route when I passed over this for the first time:

danger

There I was, standing in the middle of the road, wondering why they would print the word “Danger” on a manhole cover. It’s in the middle of the road! Cars drive over it all the time! So I took this picture.

Luckily, I got out of the way before a car came.

Blog post of December 2nd, in honour of Every Damn Day December. Check it out! It’s not too late to join in!


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Slapstick

Warning: The following my cause you to spit coffee out of your nose. Please read with caution.

Do you ever have so many things go wrong at once that you wonder if you’re on a sitcom and nobody told you? I had one of those moments at 6:30 this morning – far too early to start wondering who started the cameras rolling.

So there I was, standing at the counter in my kitchen, painstakingly crushing my son’s chewable vitamin with the blunt end of a knife as I do every morning. He won’t chew it – I have to stir it into his yogurt.

Anyway, there I was with this fine fine powder on the counter when my cellphone alarm went off in my pocket. I reached for the phone and pulled the crushed pill off the counter – all over the floor.

So I go to the broom closet, take out the broom and drop the dustpan. Bend down to pick up the dustpan, the mop falls and hits me on the head. Stuff the mop back in the broom closet, go back to the kitchen. Sweep up the mess, almost knock an opened bottle of wine on the floor with the broom handle.

Yes, there was a stopper in the bottle; no, I don’t drink wine at 6:30am, though I’m not sure why not.

All this happened in the space of about ninety seconds. One of those mornings when I just wanted to go back to bed and start again, you know?