Tiffany: My God, I’m like, so glad school’s over, you know?
Vera: I know! Did you hear about Professor Plum? He was all over Scarlet.
Tiffany: No way!
Vera:(nods exaggeratedly and pops gum) Uh huh. I heard they were in the cafeteria? And she was, like, tied to one of the tables with a rope and he was covering her in mustard.
Tiffany: Ew!! Isn’t he, like, married to Mrs. Peacock?
Vera: Pfft. Yeah, but he’s been screwing around with Mrs. White for years. And you know what else I heard?
Tiffany: What?
Vera: Lissy told me Casper caught him in kitchen … with Mr. Green!
Wednesday, December 13th, 5:00pm
Crystal and Jasmine
Crystal: So, like, there’s this woman, right? And she comes in to get her hair cut, and she wearing this sweater that’s, like, a man’s or something …
Jasmine: Oh my God! Into your place?
Crystal: Right? And so I start asking her the usual questions, like do you have kids … or have you always lived in town … and like, what are your upcoming plans …
Jasmine: Yeah, yeah …
Crystal: And she’s, like, fifty or something, and she’s wearing absolutely zero makeup, and I was expecting her to say somethin’ like, well I’m going Christmas shopping for the grandkids … you know …
Jasmine: Uh huh …
Crystal: And then she’s like, “Oh, I’m going to Japan in a couple of days,” and I’m like, what?
Jasmine: No. Way.
Crystal: I know, right? It was all I could do not to blurt it out! Like, totally seriously, this woman doesn’t look like she has two cents to rub together, and she’s going to Japan and, get this: you haven’t even heard the best part …
Jasmine: What? What?
Crystal: She told me … Get this. I asked her why she’s going, and she told me she’s going to Tokyo JUST to SEE a CONCERT …
Jasmine:OH. MY. GOD. You have got to be kidding.
Crystal: I’m dead serious. Can you believe it?
Jasmine: No way.
Crystal: I know …
(Written three years ago and based on a true story – at least judging by the look on my hairdresser’s face.)
Andrea: So my mom’s got this new boyfriend, right?
Lacey: Again?
Andrea: What do you mean, again? She hasn’t had one in, like, a month. Anyways, he comes over last night, and he’s, like, completely shitfaced, right?
Lacey: No!
Andrea: So yeah, so he’s, like, staggering all over the place, and he just got out of his car. He comes in and he says to me, “You know, you’re even better-looking than your mom.” And I’m like, “EW, how can you say that with my mom just standing there?”
Lacey: No way!
Andrea: Exactly, right? But my mom just laughed it off. She wanted to go to this restaurant where they had, like, this reservation?
Lacey: That’s …
Andrea: Incredible, right? My mom’s like such a crazy bitch.
Lacey: She really is!
Andrea: Well she’s not THAT crazy. At least she drove.
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