Life in progress

Tag Archives: humour


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Wanted: Sleeping Companion

As many of you may remember, I fell while delivering papers last December during an ice storm (I’m stupidly dedicated to my job) and received a concussion when I hit my head on a concrete step. (That was a fun post: you should read it.) When I went down that fateful day, I also landed with a concrete step across my shoulders. Since then, I have suffered with shoulder pain.

You might be wondering by now what the title of this post is all about.

I have a hard time sleeping because of my right shoulder. If I lay on it, it hurts. Same thing when I lay on my back – and that’s not a comfortable position for me anyway. If I lay on my left side, I have to try to keep my right shoulder straight. If I leave my arm resting on my body, it falls off. If I prop my side up with my hand on the mattress, my wrist hurts, and if I put my arms together with my elbows touching, my shoulder still isn’t straight enough.

I finally figured out the solution this morning. A sleeping companion!

No, not a man. Get yer minds out of the gutter.

What I need is, a teddy bear. One big enough that if I keep it close to my chest it will keep my shoulders straight. Seems the perfect solution! So today I’m going to go through the boxes from my failed garage sale of a few weeks back and dig out an old stuffed animal. I have an appointment with the doctor on Monday. Hopefully a more permanent fix is somewhere in my future. I’ll let you know how it goes.


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10 Random Hows

1. How is it that today went by with only four hours in it? Because I could swear I just finished my Rice Krispies and it’s already 10:37pm.

2. How close does one really have to be to the curb when they parallel park on the street? I think three feet is fair, don’t you?

3. How many times can a person listen to “Let It Go” from the movie Frozen before they require admittance to a mental facility?

4. How long does it take for a kid to grow up? I’m talking boys here.

5. How now brown cow?

6. How does Twitter work? Seriously. Is there anyone on the planet who really knows?

7. How much money would it take to send all the spammers and bots into outer space?

8. How can you put the words “into” and “outer” together side-by-side in a sentence? See above.

9. How did someone come up with the saying, “There are easier ways to kill a cat than to choke it with butter”?

10. How will you decide which one of these questions to answer? I dare you to answer at least half…


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SoCS – I Know Funny

My dad had a fantastic sense of humour. Very dry, very British. One of his favourite things to do was string people along with a story. He once, at a party, had one of his friends convinced that he had an awful disease, only to deliver the punchline minutes later that it was the “Dreaded Lurgie.” It’s a wonder anyone ever took him seriously. He also had a habit of making me spit my tea through my nose on a nightly basis. My mother wasn’t impressed.

It’s something I inherited–that sense of humour–though I don’t tend to torture people. I love making people laugh. I’m actually pretty good at delivering some kind of punchline just before I walk out a door. Always leave ’em laughing. And so naturally my kids have inherited it too. My ex, their father, has a great wit about him. My eldest son, Fred, was on the improv team in high school and the other two, with all their special needs, are sometimes the funniest people I know. Chris, as a matter of fact, just last night was singing “Hellfire” from the movie Hunchback of Notre Dame in the voice of Mickey Mouse, liberally replacing odd words with the words, “chicken” and “clubhouse.” He ended up sounding like Ethel Merman.

Alex is just a ham. This isn’t him at his best, but you get the idea. Especially the bit at the end. It’s a pirate hat, by the way.

Often I use their sense of humour to my advantage. Before a situation can get out of hand I’ll try to make them laugh, and usually it works.

Badge by: Doobster at Mindful Digressions

Badge by: Doobster at Mindful Digressions

Stream of Consciousness Saturday is open for everyone to participate. Learn how, here!


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One-Liner Wednesday – Insignificant

“If you think you’re too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room.” — Anita Roddick

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday, if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

The rules that I’ve made for myself for “One-Liner Wednesday” are as follows:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

Have fun!


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Adventures on my Paper Route – Nosehair is Growing Up!

I realize many of my current followers weren’t around for the introduction of Nosehair–or actually The Tree Formerly Known As Nosehair–so I’ll provide a little background.

It all started with a tree that I walk past daily on my paper route who has a face. This is Nosehair when he actually had a nosehair:

Nosehair

Nosehair

You can read about Nosehair and his subsequent plucking here: https://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2013/07/25/adventures-on-my-paper-route-angry-birds-and-a-plucking/

Then, drama happened. An evil nemesis (who I tidily named “Nemesis”) from the city came to cut down some of The Tree Formerly Known As Nosehair’s friends! It was a terrible time. I managed to speak to this evil city employee, but he was evasive about his plans. You can read about it here: https://lindaghill.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/adventures-on-my-paper-route-is-it-ironic-or-are-they-just-drumming-up-business/

Since that time the neighbourhood has been mostly quiet. I have a little chat with The Tree Formerly Known As Nosehair most days as I walk by. I’m sure the people who live in the house he stands in front of think I’m a little nuts, but the squirrels like me.

So where is this all leading to? The news! The Tree Formerly Known As Nosehair has his first tooth!

CAM00335

His first tooth!

Doesn’t he look handsome? *sniff sniff* My baby’s growing up!


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Why, Thank You (Daily Prompt)

Still the best backhanded compliment I’ve ever received:

My best friend John, to me: “It’s nice having you or someone intelligent to talk to once in a while.”

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/why-thank-you/

What’s the best (or rather, worst) backhanded compliment you’ve ever received? If you can’t think of any — when’s the last time someone paid you a compliment you didn’t actually deserve?


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One-Liner Wednesday – Theoretically…

The quickest way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach, because then you don’t have to chop through that pesky rib cage.
– J. Jacques

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday, if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

The rules that I’ve made for myself for “One-Liner Wednesday” are as follows:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

Have fun!


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One-Line Wednesday – T-shirts Say the Funniest Things

“Smile and the world smiles with you.

Fart, and you stand alone.”

~ my best friend John’s t-shirt

 

______________________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to try it out may feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post. If you do, please ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday, if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet. It’s a great way to meet new bloggers!

The rules that I’ve made for myself for “One-Liner Wednesday” are as follows:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

Have fun!


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Playing the “Dumb” Card

I admit it: sometimes when I want something I’ll play stupid to get it.

Take for instance the laptop battery that I’ve been waiting for since May from Best Buy. They screwed up once and in return promised me a free battery, but it’s taking forever to arrive. I’ve called them countless times on the matter but it never seems to go anywhere. There comes a point when I just get tired of explaining myself to everyone I talk to. Eventually my answer becomes, “I don’t know.”

When did we first order the part? the Geek Squad guy asks.

I don’t know.

I’ll look it up.

This, from my perspective is a good thing because a) it forces them to admit they’ve screwed up somewhere and b) it means they’re actually looking at the problem rather than just listening to me complain while they gaze around the store at the pretty girls looking at iPads and/or pick their noses.

Then there’s my newspaper, which was cut off today because I got a new credit card and didn’t call them to give them an updated expiry date.  So I call them to ask why my paper didn’t come.

It looks like all we need is your payment information. Did you not get a notice in the mail?

I didn’t see one. (I’m of course lying.)

Oh, well I’ll update that for you today and  get a paper out to you right away. I’m not sure why your carrier didn’t mention it to you.

I don’t see my carrier. (Again, blatant lie. I AM my own carrier. I don’t, however, have a lot of mirrors in my house…)

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Don’t let it happen again. (Okay, I didn’t really say that, but what fun it would have been!)

I’m not a liar when it comes to anything else, but I’m certainly not beyond acting like an idiot when it comes to dealing with company’s bureaucracies. There’s nothing more annoying than being brushed off when you pay good money for a service: you shouldn’t have to fight for it if you’re paying for it!

Am I alone in this practice? Tell me you’ve done something similar. Please.

 


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On the Buses

The people in my town are polite – I’ve written about how dangerously polite they are in the past. But today, on the city bus, I found out how far it really goes.

Take, for instance, the graffiti:
graffiti

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s something a little edgier: It originally said, “All your base are belong to us,” until a handy grammarian came along and corrected it to, “All your bases belong to us.”

graffitinazi

 

 

 

 

I swear it wasn’t me.