Life in progress

Tag Archives: humour


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K is for … K, Where Did It Go?

I lose things all the time. I can have something in my hand one minute and the next it’s gone. Disappeared. Like gremlins took it for fun. The idea for this post actually came about when I was looking for my thesaurus so I could look up a good word to use for my “K” post. Can you tell I didn’t find the thesaurus?

What I did find, however, was an idea for a post. I got to thinking, whilst searching, about how the minutiae of life could fit in to a story. For the most part, it doesn’t. It’s rare that we read about in a book or see in a movie a character searching for something they can’t find, having aches and pains, or even going to the bathroom, unless it’s important to the plot.

Then I took my idea one step further – what if something as small as life’s pesky little problems became the plot? It could work, right? It didn’t take me long to realize, it already had!

Where did I drop that damned ring?

Wow, that’s one hell of a belly ache – oh look, an alien!

Next time you need to plot a story, think about the last thing that got on your nerves. Then run with it. At the very least, you may get a blog post out of it.

 

For the continuing saga of Jupiter and Xavier, and the dastardly Bob, click here: http://lindaghillfiction.wordpress.com/2014/04/12/k-is-for-knock-knock/

 


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J is for … Jocularity

I can’t write anything funny. At least not on purpose. And it really sucks, since I love to make people laugh. Both in person and on paper, I enjoy being the cause of people’s smiles. It’s a thing for me–I don’t consider myself successful in conversation until the person I’m talking to has laughed, in almost every circumstance. In fact, the only exception I can think of at the moment are telemarketers. Apart from that particular breed of unfortunates, who I’m sure would be doing anything else for a living if they could, if I don’t make a person I’m speaking to laugh, I’m convinced they’re either devoid of a funny bone, or under the age of four months. The latter of the two wouldn’t be reading what I write, however, and that’s what I really mean to talk about.

Writing funny is both difficult and easy. It’s near impossible if I’m trying too hard, even if I leave the piece I’m trying to be funny in to sit while I brood over it. Humour, in my experience, must be spontaneous. It comes out of me like wit, or while making up stupid scenarios over conversation with a friend. In prose it’s … well, I don’t want to say it can’t be done. One of the lines that still comes to mind of my father’s was his most romantic:

Your teeth are like stars; they come out at night.

You’d think with all the times a moment for the perfect joke comes along and goes whisking by, when I say to myself, “I should have said that!” that it would be easier to write witticisms, since I have more time on my hands to think about it. But the opposite is true. Maybe it’s because there’s no pressure when I’m sitting in front of a computer screen, as there is in a social setting. The funny is either there or it isn’t, and no amount of forcing is going to make it show up.

For today’s fiction piece in the A-Z Challenge, go here: http://lindaghillfiction.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/j-is-for-joy/


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One-Liner Wednesday – Stolen!

“I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping mine would win, but no pun in ten did.” ~ stolen from my son, Fred.


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If Dogs Could Fly

Do you see the dog?

DSC00050

 

 

 

 

 

 

If dogs could fly, would they get trapped in trees? Would they chase sticks thrown by the wind, and drop them in the clouds?

If dogs could fly, would it be considered lucky, like a bird, if they pooped on your head?

If dogs could fly, would it be easier for them to lick your face? Would they sit on the roof, like Snoopy, to sleep?

dog

 

 

 

 

 

Do you see it now?


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How Did you Pronounce That?

At the mall this morning I walked into a shop, where the clerk behind the counter was speaking on the phone. Her name, according to her name tag, is Theresa Thomas.  I stood before her and she held up her hand to indicate that she was almost finished with her call, so I did what anyone would do. I eavesdropped.

As it turns out, Ms. Thomas was talking to someone who wanted her name. This is how her half of the conversation went:

Her: Yes, that’s right.

pause

Her: It’s Thomas. Right. T H O M A S.

pause while I thought to myself, Couldn’t they have figured that out? She pronounced the ‘th’ like one would say the word ‘throw.’

Her: Thanks. Bye.

Her: (to me) Can I help you? (or at least that’s what I think she said.  I was distracted by the ingenuity of this woman’s parents and the fantasy of  how she might pronounce her first name.)

Her: Can I help you?

Me: OH, yes…

And so it went.

Thufferin’ thuccotash, some people, eh?

This brought to mind a place I worked as a secretary/receptionist, long, long ago in the time before children. The company’s salesman, Mike Daoust, insisted on making sure everyone knew how his name was properly pronounced.

“‘Doe,'” he told people. “Just like a deer.”

So one day I was sitting at my desk, shuffling papers and trying to act like I was working, when a man walked in the door looking for Mike.

“Can I tell him who’s here to see him?” I asked the broad, red-faced man who streamed with sweat across from me at the desk.

My finger poised over the intercom, I couldn’t believe my luck.

I smiled and pressed the button, “Mike, there’s someone here to see you.”

“Who is it?” he asked.

“It’s Ray, a drop of golden sun.”

I was tired of that job anyway.


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One-Liner Wednesday – It’s All About the Grammar

My best friend John, to me: It’s nice having you or someone intelligent to talk to once in a while.

 


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Oh So Randomly Random

If you’re over the age of 40 and you have the opportunity to buy your teenager the same model of cell phone as you, do it. Within a week, he or she will know more about its quirks and abilities than you’ll ever want to look up on your own. Just don’t get them one that’s the same colour as yours… you’ll not want to know what they’re talking to their friends about by text any more than you’ll want them seeing the pictures you take, if you know what I mean. 😉

Since my fiction blog is coming up to a year old, I’ve decided to completely revamp it – new theme, new colours, new name even. When I do, I’ll take it offline, so if you can’t find it this weekend, you’ll know why. And if you can’t find it ever, it’s because I’ve changed the name. (Makes note to self to schedule a grand re-opening.)

We had spring for about 10 minutes this morning! It’s snowing now.

Do you ever get a comment on an old post and have to go back to read it to see what you said? Does that mean your memory is bad, or that you post too much? Just wondering.

OH oh oh! I found the CD I lost! It was in a pile of papers in my kitchen. I found it when I was looking for something else. 😀 To celebrate, everyone who told me I’d find it, gets one of the oatmeal cookies I found in the same pile.

So I have the weekend off. The kids are going with their dad tomorrow night and coming back Sunday after dinner. I have a freebie at the cinema… and I have Netflix. Any suggestions as to what movie I should watch? Anyone want to come with? Popcorn’s on me. 😀

 

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – Chocolate, Anyone?

The now-defunct Hershey’s plant in Smith’s Falls, Ontario has been turned into a medicinal marijuana grow-op. There’s a munchie joke in there somewhere. I just know it.


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The Big Bang Theory

Okay, so I was sitting on my bed this morning at 6:17 (I know this because I was changing the clock on my old cell phone that I use just for its alarm, only it didn’t go off because I forgot to change it after we went to Daylight Savings) and I was already mumbling miserably to myself because I got up late, when there came a big bang from above.

Now one thing you have to know is that my house started off as a bungalow, once upon a time, but someone decided a two bedroom house wasn’t big enough, so they opened up the attic and put three more bedrooms and a half bath up there. I sleep in one of those three bedrooms. So the bang I heard was pretty close to where my ears were located at 6:17 this morning.

Since there are no windows upstairs on the front of the house to look out of, I came downstairs to look outside, half expecting to see a massive tree branch sitting on my front lawn. And yet nothing has disturbed the pristine condition of the snow. Failing that, and not wanting to put my boots on and trudge outside in my pjs, I texted my friend John, who was on his way over for breakfast to ask if he could look up and see if there was anything still sitting on the roof.

He came in and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Did you see anything?

John: Nope. There’s nothing up there.

Me: I wonder what made that noise then…

John: Could it have been an animal do you think?

Me: Well if it was a squirrel, someone must have flung it pretty hard.

John: And I guess you’d expect to see roadkill out there…

So there you have it. Our best guess at the big bang theory. Unless, of course, leprechauns have reindeer…


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Welcome to Back Hair Advocate!

Hey! A new lit mag is looking for humorous submissions! Go check it out! Bring your funny bone – and your humerus too!

ianstarttoday's avatarBack Hair Advocate

Hi there,

Back Hair Advocate is a new humor (web) lit mag. It was started after our team of editors (there is no team) realized that there are a dearth of opportunities for writing funny out there.

Back Hair Advocate would like to fill that dearth with your brilliance. We are looking for poems, flash fiction, cartoons, nonfiction pieces and short stories. All of them must have two things in common: they have to be funny and well-written.

The individual behind this new lit mag is IanStarttoday. His work is forthcoming or has been published in a number of fine publications you probably haven’t heard of. They include Eunoia Review, Feathertale.com, Foliate Oak Lit Mag, Asinine Poetry, and Miracle E-zine. He also boasts rejections by many other publications that probably didn’t deserve to feature his genius anyway. :)

He is not above utilizing smiley faces to express emotions and feelings.

So…

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