Life in progress

Tag Archives: humour

Oh! Oh! Can I play?

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noughtsandcrosses (1)


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Cows are rarely wrong

Back when I was five years old, I remember being on vacation with my mother in England. On this particular day that so clearly comes to mind, we were driving to the seaside. My uncle, who was driving, told me that it was a good sign that the cows were standing up in the pastures as we drove by.

“Why?” I asked in a perfectly five year old fashion.

“Because when the cows lay down it means it’s going to rain,” he explained.

Since that time I’ve taken predictive cow thing to the next level – to a degree of percentages. So for instance, if three quarters of the cows in a field are standing up, there is a potential for a 25% chance of rain.

So today I was driving to where my son was at camp. It was out in the middle of nowhere and inevitably I passed a field where there were horses and only one cow. It was bright and sunny, but the cow was laying down.

Shit, it’s going to rain, thought I.

When I passed the same cow on my way home, my windshield wipers going as fast as they could, I nodded to the cow.


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Adventures on my Paper Route – Angry Birds and a Plucking

It’s been a while since I last had anything to post about on my paper route. Of late my walk around the block has been lacking in anything adventurous… but now I have two things to report!

First, one of my customers has a robin’s nest tucked into the corner of the overhang above his front door where the mailbox is located. Every day I’m dive-bombed by an anxious male robin when I try to deliver the paper. Who knew male robins could be so aggressive? I would never hurt it, but it flies so close to my head that all I would need to do is raise my hand and I could knock the silly thing out of the air.

In other news, they trimmed Nosehair!

Before

Before

After

After

I’m not sure if Nosehair is pleased with his freshly plucked proboscis… I, on the other hand, am considering a new nickname for my leafy friend. Any suggestions?


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Where’s a burned out brake light when you need it?

I had my brake light replaced yesterday. That’s my back story.

Speed forth to today.

Leaving my house this morning, I was stopped by a frantically waving mother (mine). She wanted to let me know that my headlights were on. I explained to her that they were Daytime Running Lights (DRLs). I didn’t get into the fact that they have been required by law in cars in Canada for the past 21 years… my mother is 83 years old. There are many things I don’t bother to try to explain to her anymore. Anyhoo, that was my first notice today of DRLs.

The second one came this afternoon on my way back home. I was being followed by a cop car – which had one of its DRLs out. Because I just had a brake light blow, I imagined the scene in which I hadn’t already had it replaced and I got pulled over. My imaginary conversation went something like this:

Cop: You have a light out.

Me: Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

Cop: Do you know how many times I’ve heard that?

Me: But did you have any idea that you’d be the next one saying it? (I point at his DRL and smirk, ruthlessly.)

Cop: (Puts his hand over his mouth, giggles, and runs back to his car and speeds away in embarrassment.)

Okay, so it probably wouldn’t go exactly like that. But I would have liked to have seen the look on his face, wouldn’t you?


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Unluckiest Man Alive, Dies

I wrote this today, on The Community Storyboard. Check out this and more awesome works of fiction by many fantastic writers!


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Now that’s a guarantee!

freedigitalphotos.net

freedigitalphotos.net

“Top Quality Engagement Rings 80% OFF With Lifetime Guarantee.”

This was the subject line of an email which just showed up in my Spam folder. What I want to know is, a) is the ring guaranteed, or b) does it mean that you’re going to be stuck with the person you get engaged to for the rest of your life whether you want to or not, simply because the damned ring was guaranteed?

 “Honey, I know I’m an flabbergasting bitch, and I’m spending every dime you make on shoes and male strippers but, you know… the ring….”


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Fiction is funnier

An encounter this morning with a cashier at the grocery store left me wondering what planet I’m living on. This is how it went:

Her: Hello, how are you?

Me: Fine thanks.

Her: (looking at my t-shirt) What’s that, ‘Ty Chy’?

Me: (realising I’m wearing my Tai Chi practice shirt) Oh! It’s Tai Chi.

Her: What’s that, some kind of food?

Me: (not wanting to confuse her with science) No, it’s an exercise.

Her: (blank stare)

Me: Sort of like yoga.

Her: OH! Yoda! That’s that meditation stuff, right?

Me: (not wanting to get into it) Yeah.

Her: That’s when they tell you if you concentrate enough you can move this way and put that there and Avada Kedavra, you’re flat on your face.

Me: Right.

I wonder if I could have got away with paying for my groceries with Gringotts gold…

Gringotts

photo source: Wikia


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Adventures on my Paper Route – Is it Ironic or Are They Just Drumming Up Business?

I’ll start with an update on Nosehair. I spoke to Nemesis today! He was standing in the street, looking back and forth between Nosehair and another tree right across the street. I bucked up all my courage and asked Nemesis, “Are you going to cut down another one?”

“Thinking about it,” he replied with an evil twinkle in his eye.

“Who’s cutting them down?” I asked.

“The City,” he replied, and with that he leapt into his truck and sped away, no doubt to tell “The City” that someone is on to them.

Stay tuned for further updates.

OH, my title – Is it Ironic? Or Are They Just Drumming Up Business?

You tell me: I came close to being run over by a hearse today. *raises one eyebrow*

And totally unrelated to anything else:

Apple Blossoms!

Apple Blossoms!


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Spring Cleaning

mangey

I feel like Snow White around here sometimes, minus the seven little miners.

Spring cleaning, for me, is not a companionless task. See the debris all over my deck? The blue jays sat on the edge of my roof yesterday and flung it from my eavestroughs, scrounging for insects in amongst the leftover leaves from the fall.

This morning I caught this mangy little guy nibbling on the scraps.

friend

Now all I need is a nice long sleep…


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Adventures on my Paper Route – is this the Ent?

I see faces in all kinds of places. This one is pretty easy to see:

DSC00144

Nice face

I took this picture a little over a month ago while delivering papers, but it never seemed interesting enough to post.

Here’s another I took the same day:

DSC00143

Death mask?

To me this one has more of a death mask feel to it. Do you see it? Maybe it’s just my crazy imagination.

And speaking of crazy imaginations…

I wonder if this first tree is unhappy about its new protrusion on its proboscis:

zit

big tree zit

Maybe to a tree this is bling. I think I’d want to sneeze.