Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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#SoCS – Rain

If it rained cats and dogs, would they fight on the way down?

If it rained men, how long would the line-ups be in emergency waiting rooms for people needing casts?

Would we run out of plaster?

I’ve always loved the sound of rain (real rain, not living, breathing rain). I felt safe sleeping in my attic room until the winds started increasing and tornadoes became more frequent in my area. Now I have a huge tree that worries me. If it fell the wrong way … Let’s just say I’m considering asking the city to take it down. Even though its shade keeps my house cool in the summer, I’m not sure it’s worth the risk.

But the gentle rain, when it hits the roof over my head is soothing. I can hear squirrels when they run across my roof–that’s how close it is.

I’m rambling.

It’s late.

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to find all the other participants’ posts in the comment section and see how you, too, can join in. It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/05/03/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-4-19/


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#SoCS – Expletive

I uttered an expletive tonight.

When I poured myself a rare beer

In a beer glass.

It had the perfect head upon it

And my mouth was verily watering

After a day of work, and visiting the hospital

And more work

(And a bit of learning thrown in for good measure.)

And so I lifted my beer glass from the kitchen counter

My beer, cold

The glass not yet forming condensation

And I got my glass about a foot off the counter and toward myself

Readying to carry it back to the living room

To my laptop

To write this post …

And the bottom dropped cleanly off the glass

Not a shard

Not a splinter to be found

A smooth cut straight off the bottom

As though it had been cut by a master craftsman

(One who obviously hates me)

And so not a drop

Was left in my glass

And now the dog is suffering with beer farts

(Or should I say I am suffering with the dog’s beer farts?)

And I am one glass

(and one beer)

Short of a six pack.

I suppose it could have been worse …

The glass could have lasted until it was hovering over my laptop …

I’ll need suggestions for “Y” words for Monday’s less-than-above-board A-Z post. One word per person, please, and keep it clean. Note that the oldest comments are at the bottom.

SoCS badge by Pamela, at https://achronicalofhope.com/

This s***ty post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Click the following link to find all the awesome posts in the comments, and join in … It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/04/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-27-19/


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Über-Unkempt Upheaval

Ah, am I ever über–unkempt. (See the cool accent-y things I put in there? I’m fancy with my words at least.)

Having Alex home from school does that to me. He was extra-demanding today. This is what I get for having a weekend off, apparently.

Can’t decide if it’s a man-cold or if he actually needs the hospital.

I’ll keep an eye on him.

It’s all caused more of an upheaval in my schedule.

My amazing timetable in which I do all the things on time is now untimely.

Timeless.

Stricken.

It’s a stricken schedule.

Strike that.

It’s just mush. Yes, it’s a mushy puddle of timetable.

An icky itinerary.

A gooey guide to my bedraggled bookings.

It’s unkempt! That’s what it is!

Yeah, I’ll get caught up. Coz that’s what I do.

Thank you to the three lovely ladies who gave me today’s words. You can find out who they are by clicking the links under “über,” “unkempt,” and “upheaval.”

I’ll need suggestions for “V” words for tomorrow’s less-than-above-board A-Z post. One word per person, please, and keep it clean. Note that the oldest comments are at the bottom.


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A Twitchy Troika of Truffles

I’m totally twitchy today. Alex was home–he’s really sick. I hope it’s just a cold since he doesn’t have a fever, but he can’t stop coughing. He’s in bed trying to sleep now and he’s still at it. I won’t bother even trying to get him up to catch the school troika … I mean the school bus tomorrow.

So, why am I twitchy? There were SO many awesome things I was going to accomplish this week! I have a deal going on on Kobo … here’s a screen shot:

and here’s the link if you want to pick up my book for free: https://www.kobo.com/ca/en/p/free-ebooks

I was planning to advertise this every which way ’til Sunday. Literally–the deal’s on until Sunday. But I have Alex at home.

Oh, and that appointment I had to get my mother’s staples out of her head this morning? Dragged her all the way to the doctor’s office and found out the retirement home had taken them out a week ago. So we went there for nothing.

Why, oh why can’t anything go smoothly this year?

Because seriously, if they would, I’d stop complaining in your ears. :/

Where are the truffles? I need chocolate!

I also need suggestions for “U” words for tomorrow’s illegal A-Z post. One word per person, please, and keep it clean. Note that the oldest comments are at the bottom.

Thank you to today’s accomplices, whose links you’ll find under the words “twitchy,” “troika,” and “truffles.”


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Sweep it under the rug

I’m writing this off the top of my head tonight because (surprise!) I’m once again very tired. I’ll call this Stream of Consciousness Smonday. Totally a word.

I’ve swept a couple of things under the rug in the past couple of days, one of which was my promise to ask for “S” words. Sorry about that. My intentions were good, but my body was weak. And still is.

The good news? I’m caught up with my work to where I hoped to be by this time today. The bad news? I think I might be coming down with a cold. Alex has one. I hope he’ll go to school tomorrow, but it’s not looking good. And I have to take my mother to an appointment in the morning to get the staples out of her head from where she fell two weeks ago and split it open.

So back to real life it is. No more sweeping stuff under the rug.

In real life, I don’t even have a rug, so there you go. 😛

I need suggestions for “T” words for tomorrow’s illegal A-Z post. There’s actually a method to my madness: if anyone asks, it’s you guys’ fault for encouraging me! HaHa! One word per person, please, and keep it clean. Note that the oldest comments are at the bottom. Thanks!


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Paula, a psychiatrist, and a pandemic walk into a bar …

It’s been a while since I’ve gone into armchair-psychiatry mode so how’s about a little sit down, eh? While we’re here, why don’t we talk about the theoretical link between the pandemic of depression and social media?

Is there even a link? Let’s imagine for a moment there is.

I don’t want to write an entire dissertation here–I lack both the time and the energy to do research, thus, the armchair. But just grazing on the surface, it’s easy (I think) to see a few different realities that exist in social media that could, quite easily be the cause of depression.

The first and most obvious is the common troll. There are no lengths to which many will not go to attain their goal of making their target miserable. To the point of depression? Perhaps.

Second, the “keeping-up-with-the-Joneses” factor. Being inundated by how good everyone else’s meals look/kids are thriving/vacations turn out/book sales are going (that last one might be personal) can be enough to point out how much yours is/are not. It’s like being a rock in the way of the tide–it’s gonna wear you down eventually. To the point of depression? Maybe.

Third, and possibly least likely–your name isn’t Paula. Because who doesn’t want a name like Paula? (Be nice, Paula is reading your comments.) Could not being called Paula cause depression? Well, you can always change your name, so probably not.

What do you think?

NOTE: I am, in no way trying to make light of the very serious disease that is depression. I’ve suffered it myself, and I understand the debilitating nature of it.

Thanks to the three lovely ladies who gave me my three “P” words for today’s not-A-Z post. You’ll find their links under the words “psychiatry,” “pandemic,” and “Paula.”

I need suggestions for “Q” words for tomorrow’s not the A-Z Challenge post! I’ll take the first three. Note, the comments on my blog are newest on top. One word per person, and please keep ’em clean.

Thank you!


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Oops! No oestrogen for the octogenarian!

Okay, so nobody wants to think about an octogenarian‘s oestrogen. But if I can make a title out of the three words I’m given for my absolutely-not-the-A-Z-Challenge post, it seems I’m compelled to do it. Oops!

Speaking of octogenarians, I didn’t talk to my mother on the phone yesterday, though she called at least 30 times. She has a flip-phone. It’s a new one–they’re manufactured for people like my mum who need something simple to use. Only it turns out, she still can’t figure it out sometimes.

You see, she can open the phone, she can find the numbers she has saved, and she can call. But the moment she hits the enter button to connect the call, an option pops up on the screen that says “Cancel.” For some reason, she cannot resist pushing it when she sees it. So my phone keeps ringing once and stopping, or if I’m really quick, I can pick it up and listen to her hang up on me.

Seriously, the next thing I know I’m going to start getting calls from her, asking if my fridge is running.

What can I say about oestrogen?

You like that spelling?

It’s British for estrogen, in case you hadn’t figured it out.

I like it. Every time I see it, I want to start singing it: “O-estrogen, o-estrogen …” to the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree.”

And now you’ll never hear that song quite the same again.

Oops!

Thanks to the three lovely ladies who gave me my three “O” words for today’s not-A-Z post. You’ll find their links under the words “octogenarian,” “oestrogen,” and “oops.”

Tomorrow’s “P” day! Any suggestions for “P” words for my not the A-Z Challenge post? I’ll take the first three. Note, the comments on my blog are newest on top. One word per person, and please keep ’em clean.

Thank you!


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Nostalgia’s got Nothin’ on the Narwhal

Okay, so I wrote the title and I’ve got nothing. I just didn’t want to delete the title, because I like it.

Who’s to say what a narwhal can remember? Are they capable of a nostalgic moment?

When I was just a little narwhal with a nose-spike only yea long, I used to swim upstream to school, both ways!

(Get it? School? … Fine, narwhals are mammals. Sue me.)

We know elephants are supposed to have good memories.

How about rhinos?

Are rhinos just land-narwhals?

We may never know.

Thanks to the three lovely ladies who gave me my three “N” words for today’s not-A-Z post. You’ll find their links under the words “nothing,” “narwhal,” and “nostalgic.”

I’m in need of suggestions for “O” day, for my absolutely not the A-Z Challenge post tomorrow. One word per person, and please keep ’em clean.

Thank you!


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#SoCS – Slip of the lip

I let the lip slip, it seems. Once again, I’m late for my own party.

So I’ll just slip in here, in the back door rather than the grand entrance I really actually never make, and I’ll mingle with the crowd until everyone thinks I’ve always been here.

I know this makes no sense in regards to writing a blog post, but let’s pretend, shall we?

An appetizer? Why thank you.

I hadn’t realized I’d had this little affair catered. With wandering waiters dressed in crisp uniforms and everything!

Cocktail shrimp, anyone?

And a glass of champagne to loosen the lips and make all the guests happy.

And less likely to notice that I was late.

Do you ever feel like you’re just on the cusp of something? I overhear someone ask.

Well, now that you mention it, I do. But I haven’t a clue what it might be. Other than it’s bound to be pleasing. It’s just one of those feelings.

I do too, I say, but they look at me as if I’ve intruded so I walk away, wondering how my own party got so far out of hand.

Ah well. I suppose that’s what I get.

I can’t even enjoy a shindig in my own head.

Unless …

Let’s listen to music! I exclaim over the din of the crowd, and everyone cheers when I put on something everyone likes. Because I can do that at my imaginary party.

And everyone dances. I’m the toast of the party.

The SoCS party.

At least in my head.

 

SoCS badge by Pamela, at https://achronicalofhope.com/

 

This totally off the top of my head post is brought to you by the letter “L,” and by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to find all the participating posts, and join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2019/04/12/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-13-19/

I’m taking suggestions here for “M” words for Monday’s post. I’ll take the first three, one per person, and please make them safe for work. thank you!

 


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Justifying the Juxtaposition of my Balls

By now it’s no secret how busy I am. I’m juggling so many balls at a time, I can barely keep track of them.

Do I drop ’em every once in a while?

Rarely.

I’m not a very good juggler, but somehow I almost always manage to catch ’em before they reach the floor.

The real struggle, though? Is when I have to use one to justify the other.

I can’t do this because I’ve got to do that right now, or that won’t get done before I drop the ball.

Organizing the juxtaposition of my balls is almost as hard as keeping them in the air.

And yeah, sometimes I have to bullshit my way through it all, in order to keep my sanity.

Because, you know what? I’m not perfect.

But the alternative is having a whole mess of balls on the floor. And if there’s one thing that’s worse than juggling?

It’s cleaning up balls.

Thanks to the three lovely ladies who gave me my three “J” words for today’s oversharing not-A-Z post. You’ll find their links under the words “juxtaposition,” “juggling,” and “justify.”

This will be the last time this week that I’ll look for suggestions, since the “L” word will be Saturday’s SoCS prompt. So, “K” words? Anyone? One per person, and keep ’em clean if you please. I’ll accept the first three I get … remember, the oldest comments are at the bottom of all the comments on my posts.