Life in progress

Category Archives: Funny


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#SoCS – Bitch Wanted

I have a week off without my youngest son. Balls of fun, right? Yeah, except I have so much to do I’m stuck with what-do-i-do-first-itis. You know that feeling, right?

So I was going to sit down and start reading SoCS posts this morning with my coffee. But then I thought, I don’t really want to do that before I write my own, because then I’ll know what everyone else is writing about and I’ll try to avoid those topics. And how many topics can you come up with from the word, “ball”?  I suppose there are a few.

Like the puppy’s, for instance.

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Winston

I’m thinking about getting him neutered. He’s started humping on a daily basis, pretty much anything he can get his front legs wrapped around. Which is natural. But before it gets to be too much I’m going to have to make a decision. I still have time – he’s only four and a half months old. But I hesitate, first, because he’s already been through major surgery and I don’t want to put him through it again, and second, because he’s such a good-natured, laid-back animal that I think the world deserves more like him. Would I find anyone who would want to mate their bitch with him? He who is a mix of beagle, possibly basset hound, and only god knows what else? Maybe not. I should probably look into classifieds for that sort of thing. But who would look for stud services and where would they look? Craigslist comes to mind…

Dating sites for dogs?

I can see it now: Bitch wanted. Must have shots.

Stud Muffin for hire – his name is actually Muffin.

Wanna get lucky tonight? Look at these puppies.

Well-hung and energetic. What? I was talking about my jowls?

Wanted: tail. Prefer long and fluffy.

Okay, you get the picture. We’re here ’til Thursday. Try the veal. Milk bone for dessert…

SoCS badge 2015

I’m off to read SoCS posts next. You can participate in Stream of Consciousness Saturday too! Just click here for details, and to read the rules: https://lindaghill.com/2016/03/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-1216/ If you join in I’ll read yours too!

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – I’ve found my calling!

Good news are on their way!
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I’ve found my calling: fortune cookie editor! My motto will be, “Making your Chinese food grammatically tastier, one line at a time.”

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


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My Top Ten List of Annoying Things for This Week

It seems to me that, though life in general is made up of them, there are weeks when little annoyances build up rather substantially. Or perhaps I’m just less tolerant of them. During weeks like these, it’s important to keep a sense of humour lest I end up totally bonkers due to the stress of it all. Failing the ability to laugh at my woes in the privacy of my own closet (which is where the men in the white coats SHOULD NOT LOOK FOR ME!! IGNORE THE GIGGLES COMING FROM THE CLOSET!!!) this blog enables me to share my madness with all of you. Aren’t you lucky? Here we go.

My Top Ten List of Annoying Things for This Week

  1. Having a fantastic idea for a blog post that’s so freaking good that I didn’t need to write it down.
  2. Famous last words.
  3. Getting all ready to have a shower and then realizing I need to wash my clothes first.
  4. Snow days. All one of them.
  5. Firefox crashing every evening at about 7. What’s up with that?
  6. Having a to-do list that’s longer than there are hours in a day.
  7. Meat in the fridge that won’t wait just one more day before it expires. C’mon, meat! Have a bit of decency!
  8. Not being able to get more fridge magnet letters from Toys ‘r’ Us.

    9. on the bright side, the accent is correct

  9. Chocolate. More specifically, orange Kit Kat. Why does it have to be so mouth-wateringly delicious?!
  10. Not being able to come up with ten annoying things, damnit!

So, how has your week been so far?


by 67 Comments

Like, #SoCS

Can’t you just stop?!

That’s what I wanted to say to a teenager today as I walked past her. She was recounting some story or another to two of her friends and I swear, this is what her speech was like:

So he was like, “what?” like I don’t, like, know and it was like, “haven’t you ever like, liked someone before?” and he was like, “no,” and so I like…

and on and on it went. I seriously almost stopped to ask her if she could utter three sentences without saying the word “like” once. But I didn’t in case doing so caused her to have, like, a seizure or something.

It’s similar (see what I did there?) to listening to a hockey player give an interview.

And uh, I did my best out there, and uh, I think we played a great game, and uh…

Makes you wonder if they teach it in hockey school. Luckily they don’t hesitate to shoot the puck the way they pause between clauses.

And then there’s those who can’t seem to help dropping the f-bomb (I really hate that phrase – f-bomb) between every third and fourth word. Yeah, I won’t – don’t need to – write an example. Do I? Nah. We’ve all heard it. It can get very uncomfortable too, depending on who you’re with. Chances are there’s no point asking the f-‘ing person to stop – they’ll probably do it all the more because what are they doing it for in the first place other than to get attention?

I suppose we all have our speech patterns though. I think I see mine when I write, which makes me more aware of them. I catch my characters sounding like me… I wish they wouldn’t.

 SoCS badge 2015

This, like, post is brought to you by, like, Stream of, like, Consciousness Saturday. You can, like, click here to join in. Do it, like, now, okay?


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One-Liner Wednesday – Snowed In

CAM00101So we got about two feet of snow yesterday, extending my four day weekend home with the kids to a five day weekend.

This

from Meanwhile in Canada @ facebook

from Meanwhile in Canada @ facebook

pretty much describes a few cities around these parts, not just Winnipeg.

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


by 34 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – A Disco?

So on Sunday I walked into a restaurant and was greeted by the hostess, as you are. She glanced out the window and saw that there was an ambulance, lights flashing, at the seniors home across the street.

“Oh look at that,” she said. “An ambulance. It looks like a disco over there.”

I stared at her, a little flabbergasted, with a remark on the tip of my tongue that went something like, I doubt it does to the person the ambulance is there for. But I said nothing. Because once in a while, we all say something totally stupid.

 

Hey! Don’t forget the badge contest for One-Liner Wednesday! (Which, by the way, this post is NOT a good example of. In fact it’s a great example of how you can break the rules!) For details on the contest and to get your name (and/or your blog’s address) mentioned numerous times every week, click the link! https://lindaghill.com/2016/02/08/one-liner-wednesday-badge-call-for-submissions/ The contest closes Sunday and voting for the best badge starts Monday. Don’t delay – start designing now!

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Have fun!


by 13 Comments

Tuesday Use It In A Sentence – Nuance

I love the word “nuance.” It depicts subtlety and refinement, not necessarily to make something elite, but rather to cause one to pay attention to detail. Which makes it rather funny to me that in my thesaurus, one of the synonyms for “nuance” is “shade.”

“Fifty Nuances of Grey.”

Do you think E.L. James would understand the irony?

The Tuesday Use It In A Sentence prompt is brought to you this week by Kelli at Forty, c’est Fantastique! Please click the link and join in today!


by 47 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – It really sucks

Woke up to a new message

Woke up to a new message on my fridge… I wonder who left it?

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It was a rough night of peeing everywhere and bumping into things. (Winston, not me) It took him a few tries to get used to going down the small step through the back door without his cone jamming between the slats, causing him to get stuck. He’s still sucking air occasionally, but he doesn’t seem to be in any discomfort. I sincerely hope this is the end of his troubles. I can’t afford any more. But hey, the good news is it was only $2,200 instead of $2,500! 🙄

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.” However, if you’d like to combine One-Liner Wednesday with Just Jot It January, go right ahead!

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Have fun!


by 38 Comments

Just Jot It January 25th – Prestidigitation

Funny story: When I saw “prestidigitation” suggested as a prompt by my friend, the lovely Pamela, I have to admit I cringed a little bit. There’s a mouthful, I thought. I wonder what it means? Regardless of my initial reaction, I was looking forward to writing a post on it. It’s a fact that I work better under pressure, at least when writing is concerned. I believe in this fact so much that I forced myself to wait until I was ready to write this post to look the word up in the dictionary. When I did, I had to laugh at myself.

You see, as it turns out I have been writing about prestidigitation quite constantly, quite vigorously, and quite intently, for more than four years without realizing it. My novel, which took eighteen months to write and is on its seventh revision, is about a magician. Prestidigitation means to perform magic.

…

How did I not know this?!?

So thank you, Pamela. The word “prestidigitation” will find its way into my novel. And that page will be dedicated to you!

Speaking of prestidigitators, you may remember I met a very nice magician last summer and requested an interview with him, both for my own research and to share with the public. I’m quite embarrassed to say I still haven’t managed to use that interview anywhere, but I haven’t given up. I plan to try pitching it to a few more places but, if I’ve had no success by the end of March, I’ll post the interview here. Please look forward to it!

The “Prestidigitation” prompt is brought to you by Pamela at Butterfly Sand. If you don’t already know her, please click on the link and have a read!

JJJ 2016

To find the rules for Just Jot It January, click here and join in today. It’s never too late! And don’t forget to ping back your January 21st post here!


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One-Liner Wednesday – It’s not what you think

On Saturday, I went to a Japanese restaurant. It reminded me of the last Japanese restaurant I ate in, which was a Mister Donut.

In Tokyo.

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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.” However, if you’d like to combine One-Liner Wednesday with Just Jot It January, go right ahead!

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Have fun!