Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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The ONLY way to get rid of the hiccups (hiccoughs)

Whether you spell them “hiccups,” “hiccoughs,” or “damnit-I-wish-they’d-go-away,” they’re a plague upon the existence of mankind. They can be embarrassing: I’ve dealt with them as a receptionist at a busy magazine company, (when you have to answer the phone, they’re sure to be the loudest) and whilst buying booze. Try walking up to a cashier with a bottle of wine and the hiccups, and you’ll know what I mean.

And they’re always annoying. No matter how slowly you count to ten whilst holding your breath, they can last for hours. The moms reading this will probably remember having a hiccuping baby in their bellies… cute at first, but not at 3am. I’ve heard horror stories of people having them for days! Can you imagine?

So how do we make them stop? Everyone has their “sure-fire way” to end the hiccups, but mine is by far the best. Only one drawback – you need a friend to help. The ONLY absolutely reliable way to get rid of the hiccups is, drink an entire glass of water with your fingers in your ears. I promise, it works every single time.

If you don’t have a friend, the other way that works is, stand on your head and sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” while juggling three oranges with your feet. At least that’s what I heard.

How do you get rid of the hiccups?


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#SoCS – Bitch Wanted

I have a week off without my youngest son. Balls of fun, right? Yeah, except I have so much to do I’m stuck with what-do-i-do-first-itis. You know that feeling, right?

So I was going to sit down and start reading SoCS posts this morning with my coffee. But then I thought, I don’t really want to do that before I write my own, because then I’ll know what everyone else is writing about and I’ll try to avoid those topics. And how many topics can you come up with from the word, “ball”?  I suppose there are a few.

Like the puppy’s, for instance.

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Winston

I’m thinking about getting him neutered. He’s started humping on a daily basis, pretty much anything he can get his front legs wrapped around. Which is natural. But before it gets to be too much I’m going to have to make a decision. I still have time – he’s only four and a half months old. But I hesitate, first, because he’s already been through major surgery and I don’t want to put him through it again, and second, because he’s such a good-natured, laid-back animal that I think the world deserves more like him. Would I find anyone who would want to mate their bitch with him? He who is a mix of beagle, possibly basset hound, and only god knows what else? Maybe not. I should probably look into classifieds for that sort of thing. But who would look for stud services and where would they look? Craigslist comes to mind…

Dating sites for dogs?

I can see it now: Bitch wanted. Must have shots.

Stud Muffin for hire – his name is actually Muffin.

Wanna get lucky tonight? Look at these puppies.

Well-hung and energetic. What? I was talking about my jowls?

Wanted: tail. Prefer long and fluffy.

Okay, you get the picture. We’re here ’til Thursday. Try the veal. Milk bone for dessert…

SoCS badge 2015

I’m off to read SoCS posts next. You can participate in Stream of Consciousness Saturday too! Just click here for details, and to read the rules: https://lindaghill.com/2016/03/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-1216/ If you join in I’ll read yours too!

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – I’ve found my calling!

Good news are on their way!
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I’ve found my calling: fortune cookie editor! My motto will be, “Making your Chinese food grammatically tastier, one line at a time.”

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


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I’m reduced to acronyms!

Warning: exclamation marks and acronyms ahead. I’ve been holding this rant in for a while.

I don’t understand why or how it can be so difficult to get magnetic letters for my fridge. They’re the kind of thing you just take for granted, aren’t they? They’ve been around forever. They’re everywhere. Right?

Except they’re not! Toys ‘r’ Us has none for sale in store nor online, and haven’t since Christmas. I can’t find ones to match mine anywhere on Amazon, and the only ones I have been able to find are at Indigo Books, online, for a whopping price of $24.99. Yes, you read that right. Twenty five bucks for 40 pieces of cheap molded plastic with cheap little magnets glued to them!

It’s highway robbery! And this is what I’m reduced to!!

CAM01369WTF?!


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One-Liner Wednesday – A deal that makes no sense

In Wal-Mart the other day, I was looking at printer ink when I came across an HP printer for $39.97 – almost $2 less than the cost of the ink that comes with it. I was tempted to buy two.

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

____________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


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Share Your World – Week #9 and #LoIsInDaBlog Final Day!

This is actually week #1 for me, since I’ve never participated in Share Your World before. This is exciting! On to the questions.

Have you done something you truly want to do today?

I’ve been procrastinating all day. I have so many huge projects to get on with, and yet all I can manage is to look at the clock and stress over time running out. What is that, anyway? Is there a name for this kind of anxiety? It’s weird. I think part of my problem is lack of exercise. I need to get out more often.

What can you help the world with?

What I’d like to help the world with is inspiration. I love being inspired and I strive to share my love of inspiration with the world. What I think I do help the world with (or at least I hope I do) is teaching by example, things like compassion, non-judgementalism, and that it doesn’t hurt to be honest.

If life was ‘just a bowl of cherries’… which fruit other than a cherry would you be..?

An avocado. Like me, they’re so misunderstood. Though I’d enjoy being in a state where I’m mistaken for a vegetable more often.

Quotes List: At least three of your favorite quotes?

“Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.” ~ Chuang Tzu

“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” ~ Charles Schulz

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week, and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?

I’m grateful that puppy Winston is beginning to heal from his wounds, and is healthy and active.

To answer the second part of the question, more of just this:

Alex and Winston, February 29th, 2016

Alex and Winston, February 29th, 2016

 

The Share Your World prompt can be found here: http://ceenphotography.com/2016/02/29/share-your-world-2016-week-9/ Thanks, Cee, for the great questions!

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Because love, this post is also part of Love Is In Da Blog: https://justfoolingaroundwithbee.wordpress.com/2016/02/28/a-last-loisindabl-prompt-for-2016/ which is on its final day today! So hard to believe! Thanks so much, Bee, for hosting it again this year. 😀

Love Is In Da Blog

 


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#SoCS – Playing with my food

As a child I was always told, “Don’t say you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it.” I have to say, I was more open to trying strange foods back then than I am now. But then again who knows if I’d have put a bug in my mouth and munched on it when I was a kid… I certainly won’t do it now.

Back then I did eat quite a few things that I still enjoy, that most people find weird. Pickled herring, blood pudding, and sour pickled onions to name a few. One thing I’ve only recently had the opportunity to eat again because of Japanese sushi, that I haven’t had since I was a child is eel. My parent’s best friends, Dot and Bob, lived next door to us all my life growing up. Bob worked in downtown Toronto for the city and he knew a lot of different shop owners. One such place he used to frequent had fresh eels. And I’m talking really fresh… he brought them home live. I remember playing with them in the kitchen sink at his house. One time in particular, when Dot (who hated them) and I were alone, one jumped out of the sink and was writhing around on the kitchen floor. She screamed for me and I, four years old at the time, had the job of picking it up and putting it back in the sink. It’s no wonder I’m not afraid of snakes. And no, I didn’t get in trouble for playing with my food.

I haven’t seen a live one since, but I do still enjoy the flavour. If you’re looking for it in a sushi place, the Japanese word is unagi.  Now I have a craving for sushi…

SoCS badge 2015

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here https://lindaghill.com/2016/02/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-2716/ and join in all the delicious fun today!


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My Top Ten List of Annoying Things for This Week

It seems to me that, though life in general is made up of them, there are weeks when little annoyances build up rather substantially. Or perhaps I’m just less tolerant of them. During weeks like these, it’s important to keep a sense of humour lest I end up totally bonkers due to the stress of it all. Failing the ability to laugh at my woes in the privacy of my own closet (which is where the men in the white coats SHOULD NOT LOOK FOR ME!! IGNORE THE GIGGLES COMING FROM THE CLOSET!!!) this blog enables me to share my madness with all of you. Aren’t you lucky? Here we go.

My Top Ten List of Annoying Things for This Week

  1. Having a fantastic idea for a blog post that’s so freaking good that I didn’t need to write it down.
  2. Famous last words.
  3. Getting all ready to have a shower and then realizing I need to wash my clothes first.
  4. Snow days. All one of them.
  5. Firefox crashing every evening at about 7. What’s up with that?
  6. Having a to-do list that’s longer than there are hours in a day.
  7. Meat in the fridge that won’t wait just one more day before it expires. C’mon, meat! Have a bit of decency!
  8. Not being able to get more fridge magnet letters from Toys ‘r’ Us.

    9. on the bright side, the accent is correct

  9. Chocolate. More specifically, orange Kit Kat. Why does it have to be so mouth-wateringly delicious?!
  10. Not being able to come up with ten annoying things, damnit!

So, how has your week been so far?


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Like, #SoCS

Can’t you just stop?!

That’s what I wanted to say to a teenager today as I walked past her. She was recounting some story or another to two of her friends and I swear, this is what her speech was like:

So he was like, “what?” like I don’t, like, know and it was like, “haven’t you ever like, liked someone before?” and he was like, “no,” and so I like…

and on and on it went. I seriously almost stopped to ask her if she could utter three sentences without saying the word “like” once. But I didn’t in case doing so caused her to have, like, a seizure or something.

It’s similar (see what I did there?) to listening to a hockey player give an interview.

And uh, I did my best out there, and uh, I think we played a great game, and uh…

Makes you wonder if they teach it in hockey school. Luckily they don’t hesitate to shoot the puck the way they pause between clauses.

And then there’s those who can’t seem to help dropping the f-bomb (I really hate that phrase – f-bomb) between every third and fourth word. Yeah, I won’t – don’t need to – write an example. Do I? Nah. We’ve all heard it. It can get very uncomfortable too, depending on who you’re with. Chances are there’s no point asking the f-‘ing person to stop – they’ll probably do it all the more because what are they doing it for in the first place other than to get attention?

I suppose we all have our speech patterns though. I think I see mine when I write, which makes me more aware of them. I catch my characters sounding like me… I wish they wouldn’t.

 SoCS badge 2015

This, like, post is brought to you by, like, Stream of, like, Consciousness Saturday. You can, like, click here to join in. Do it, like, now, okay?


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#SoCS – Winter Tires on Deck

When I lived in Quebec I had no choice – winter tires are mandatory. If you get caught without them after, I think, the middle of November you get a ticket. If you get in an accident without them your insurance doesn’t cover you. I had a great mechanic there. I think he liked me. Then again, I spent thousands of dollars at his shop getting my transmission fixed on my Montana. When I bought snow tires from him he offered to store my all-seasons for free for the winter. He labeled them “Linda Montana” so he’d know who they belonged to.

Anyhow, they’re talking about enforcing the same law in Ontario. I really didn’t see much difference when I drove on snowy roads, if any, so it seems like an unnecessary expense. But there you go. Luckily I don’t need a mechanic in my life anymore. My best friend is one. Wow, did that sound bad? Can’t change it now. Sorry John.

It’s really cold out today. Finally. -38 with the wind. I was afraid my car wouldn’t start, but it did. Not without complaint though. I’m looking forward to the warmer weather, though I have a new problem…

The puppy has been going outside to do his business, but my yard has too many things in it that can hurt him, so he’s restricted to the deck. My deck has become a poop deck. It needed a good cleaning anyway, so as soon as the nice weather comes we’ll scrub it, sand it, sandblast it, whatever it takes to really really get it clean and then stain it. I just hope the puppy isn’t too attached to it being his personal toilet. Dinner on the deck could get interesting.

No one without a boat should have a poop deck.

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday: https://lindaghill.com/2016/02/12/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-1316/

SoCS badge 2015

And Love Is In Da Blog: https://justfoolingaroundwithbee.wordpress.com/2016/02/12/loisindabl-prompt-for-13feb16-stream-of-consciousness/ because I love my puppy even if he poops on my deck.

Love Is In Da Blog