Life in progress

Category Archives: Funny


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#SoCS – Sofa, so good

Well, I was going to get loads of work done today. Work on my own novel, on the short story I’m writing to submit to the upcoming anthology by Transmundane Press, work on my editing website, and on the introduction I need to write for the St. Patrick’s Day anthology I edited. And what have I done so far? Your guess is as good as mine, but it wasn’t any of the above.

Thing is, I have been working all day. I must have, because I didn’t play a single computer game. I did do a final proofreading run-through on the St. Patty’s anthology. And my butt is square from sitting on the sofa all day, so I must have been on the laptop.

I do keep getting up to grab myself something from the fridge in hopes that when I get back, I’ll get something done. But it’s like there’s so much to do I’m not sure where to start, so I end up doing things like chatting on Facebook (I have to–it’s anthology work), or scrolling through the, like, 50 tabs I have open to see what’s new. Social media is my downfall. I admit it.

What else have I done today? I avoided wine. That’s gotta count for something, especially since Alex is on a rare weekend at his dad’s. I know, I say I “avoided” wine like it’s flying through the air, aiming at me. It’s not true. It’s actually tucked into a wine rack in the basement. All two dozen bottles … Mmm, wine.

BUT, I can still get some work done tonight, can’t I? It’s only … 11:06pm. Oh damn, the clocks go forward. It may as well be after midnight. Where does the time go?!? Alex will be home before I know it, and I won’t have any work done!! May as well give up and drink wine.

Oh look! There’s a bottle now! Better catch it.

This crazy post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Find the prompt post here and read all the contributing blogs! https://lindaghill.com/2018/03/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-10-18/


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One-Liner Wednesday – Misunderstandings

When your best friend spends five minutes explaining that it will take four people to put the cat on the back of the pickup truck and one person to bolt it down, and for five minutes you’re totally confused, only to figure out that he said “cap,” not “cat.”

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – How I Roll

Once in a while I get a brilliant idea for a story–something that’s so mind-boggling, that I just KNOW it’s best-selling-novel material. I’ll be so excited that there’s NO WAY I’m going to forget this idea, but I write myself a little note, just to make sure.

Here’s one example, that’s been on my phone for almost a year:

I have no freakin’ clue what the story was going to be about.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – The Perfect Toy

My best friend, John, found the perfect toy for Winston, my beagle-bassett cross.

Toy bottles of wine, just like Mommy loves (though Mommy’s wine isn’t a toy … don’t touch Mommy’s wine!!)

With a picture of a Winston-like dog, with Winston’s name

Winston loves his wine!! (And Mommy loves hers too.)

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – My Existential Fridge

As you probably know if you’ve been around my blog for a while, I have letter fridge magnets. I was taking something out of the fridge the other day, and one of the letters fell off the freezer door and landed on my forearm. I paused to think, then I laughed.

Because I was hungry. Don’t judge me!!

The letter was “Y.”

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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#SoCS – Tail Tale

I’ve been asked to and even been tempted to write stories from the perspective of an animal in past. But I just can’t. (Disclaimer: I have a feeling I HAVE done it before, years ago–so many I can no longer remember–but I couldn’t tell you where that writing is.) The point is, I can’t do it anymore. Here’s why.

What if … This is what goes through my mind when I look at my dog and really contemplate what might be going through his head. What if he’s a past human, trapped in the body of a dog for the span of this lifetime? What if he really understands everything I’m doing and saying and he’s judging me?

I know this sounds paranoid, but it’s where my writer’s mind goes. My overactive imagination, if you will. So there it is. I’m afraid that if I start writing from his perspective, I’ll somehow disappear into a void of imagined conversation between the dog and the cat that will end up with me hiding in my room with the door closed, begging for forgiveness and mercy as they scratch and whine, trying to get in. Except of course it’s only because they’re hungry, my logical mind will tell myself.

But what if …?

 

This somewhat creepy post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Click the following link to find more posts in the comment section and add yours! https://lindaghill.com/2018/02/09/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-10-18/


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157. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right (#SoCS edition)

Sunday, February 4th, 3:00am
Moosh and Hip

 

Moosh: Where are we going again?

Hip: Nowhere.

Moosh: In other words, we’re just going around in circles.

Hip: It’s an experiment.

Moosh: To see how long it takes to get kicked off the bus?

Hip: Exactly.

Moosh: And what if we get kicked off when we’re miles away from home?

Hip: (shrugs) We’ll wait and catch the next bus.

Moosh: But you know it’s going to be the same bus driver. He’s not going to let us back on again.

Hip: Oh. I didn’t think of that. We’ll just have to walk home then.

Moosh: We can’t walk. You’re broken.

Hip: You’ve got crutches.

Moosh: They’re not for walking miles with.

Hip: …

Moosh: (rolls eyes) That’s what I get for having hip for brains.

 

Next stop: Monday, February 5th, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here to join in! https://lindaghill.com/2018/02/02/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-3-18/


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The Destroyer Strikes Again

Okay, I didn’t actually destroy the computers at Service Ontario (where we renew our licenses and health cards), but I didn’t seem to do them any favours.

If you read my bloated one-liner on Wednesday (here), you’ll know that whilst out at the mall, not one but two computers in the stores I visited crapped out while I was there. Apparently my reign of terror was not over. It happened again. Yesterday.

Both my son Chris and I needed to renew our health cards. So we went into the office and sat to wait our turn, as you do. We were called up to Desk #6 (there are 9) and the lady started filling out the paperwork. When she tried to take Chris’s picture, it didn’t work. The camera was fine, but the computer wouldn’t capture the image. So she sent us to Desk #3.

A nice lady helped us through the process and got Chris all set. Then it was my turn. As she was processing my paperwork, the computer started glitching.

“Oh no,” I said and then explained to her what had happened at the mall.

She waved it off good-naturedly and suggested we take my picture while the computer was doing its thing.

“I’ll try not to break your camera,” I said as I stepped in front of it.

The lady thought that was hilarious, and we laughed until I had to do the serious face for my photo. Then came her serious face when the picture didn’t work. Her computer crashed.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll just pass you off to my colleague at Desk #4.”

The other lady with whom she shared a workspace and who hadn’t been busy for a while said that if her camera worked, it wasn’t me, it was the lady she worked with who broke the computer.

So I stood in front of the camera again and we laughed and laughed, and I got serious, and then we all got serious. It didn’t work. At this point, three out of nine computers weren’t working.

So the lady at Desk #4 asked us to have a seat while she called IT. While we sat there (right by the desk), a man passed us to go to Desk #2. A woman was following him so closely, that I thought they were together. The man approached the desk but the woman stood back.

“You just called me to this desk,” she said, confused. It was obvious the two weren’t together at this point.

“Oh,” said the man behind Desk #2. “Sorry, just take a seat and we’ll call you up next. It happens sometimes that the computer calls two people up at the same time. Must be a glitch.”

Shortly after that we went back to Desk #4 and I got my confirmation that my renewal had gone through offsite. The lady’s computer still wasn’t working, but they’d done it somehow through another office. Obviously one where I wasn’t physically present.

I’m afraid to go out again.


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152. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Tuesday, January 30th, 5:00pm
Miles (and Phil)

 

Miles sits at the window. Phil takes the seat beside him.

Miles: (turning to Phil and smiling) Excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?

Phil moves to another seat.

 

Next stop: Wednesday, January 31st, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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#SoCS & #JusJoJan 2018, the 27th – Movement

I’ve always wished I was a better dancer. It’s not that I’m uncoordinated–I figure skated for eight years, until I was 16 (though I fell a lot, once cutting myself badly enough with my skate blade to have dozens of stiches), I have a brown belt in Shotokan karate … which I haven’t practiced in ten years or so, and I haven’t broken anything. Yet.

Oh, except for my ribs, but they may have only been cracked. I had this Chevy Blazer, you see. It was back when carburetors were a thing, and I flooded the engine on a regular basis. I got good at taking the lid off the filter and sticking a screwdriver in the top of the carburetor to hold the choke open while I started the engine. One day, I was coming out of my doctor’s office and I flooded the engine. So I climbed out with my trusty screwdriver, opened the hood, and stood, as I usually did, on the front bumper of the truck (it was very high) to do my thing. Got it started okay, but when I went to retrieve the screwdriver, my feet slipped off the bumper and down I went on the hood latch. I basically impaled myself. I managed to get down and rolled around on the ground, screaming, until a nice man helped me up and back into the doctor’s office.

I learned a lesson that day. Which was, obviously, be careful not to stand over the hood latch.

So anyway, I can’t dance. At least not well. Which has absolutely nothing to do with breaking my ribs, but there you go. That’s what Stream of Consciousness Saturday is all about … tangents. Hey, I could have called it Tangent Tuesday instead! Feel free to use that.

 

This totally tangential post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday and Just Jot it January. Click the link to find all the other awesome posts in the comment section! https://lindaghill.com/2018/01/26/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-daily-prompt-jan-27th-2018/