Life in progress

Tag Archives: humour


by 27 Comments

#SoCS – Be

What do you want to be when you grow up? I used to hate that question. I never had a real answer because I had no idea. It, to me, was an impractical question. I’m ten! How would I know? Hold on, while I weigh my options… I used to be envious of the kids who could just spurt out a profession like it was what they were born for. How about, I want to be a caring, compassionate human being. It’s something else to know how you want to occupy yourself when you reach a certain age, isn’t it?

Right now I’m occupying myself with my laptop, awkwardly typing with the puppy’s head on my lap, and my kid is making weird gurgling noises at his own computer while he feeds from his pump. The tv is on but there’s no sound – nobody is watching it. Not even the dog. Is it true that dogs can’t see tvs? Is that a myth? Or was it just true of the old curved screens? Because Winston seems to be able to see my flat screen.

I had to get up to feed the dog. He made me put the computer down. I’m almost out of milk. I panic when that happens, because it means I’ll either have to drink my morning coffee black or not at all. And that last option is not an option. As my best friend observed, I don’t exist before coffee. I am not.

To be, or not to be? Ask me after coffee. I think my brain just exploded.

SoCS badge 2015

This mind-bending post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here https://lindaghill.com/2016/04/01/theres-no-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-216/ to find out how you can join in!


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One-Liner Wednesday – Sad Lemon is Sad

We bought a lemon on Saturday just to add its zest to a recipe.

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It seemed so very sad. When I thought about it, I realized why: it no longer has appeal.

 

 

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

____________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


by 45 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – It’s Al’s Fault

The other night, when I realized I was running out of wine, I decided to write “damn it all” on the fridge. Not having two “l”‘s, I used an upside-down exclamation mark

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which left me with “damn it al!” which still works, because the guy at the shop where I make my wine is named Al.

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

____________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to participate, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


by 48 Comments

The ONLY way to get rid of the hiccups (hiccoughs)

Whether you spell them “hiccups,” “hiccoughs,” or “damnit-I-wish-they’d-go-away,” they’re a plague upon the existence of mankind. They can be embarrassing: I’ve dealt with them as a receptionist at a busy magazine company, (when you have to answer the phone, they’re sure to be the loudest) and whilst buying booze. Try walking up to a cashier with a bottle of wine and the hiccups, and you’ll know what I mean.

And they’re always annoying. No matter how slowly you count to ten whilst holding your breath, they can last for hours. The moms reading this will probably remember having a hiccuping baby in their bellies… cute at first, but not at 3am. I’ve heard horror stories of people having them for days! Can you imagine?

So how do we make them stop? Everyone has their “sure-fire way” to end the hiccups, but mine is by far the best. Only one drawback – you need a friend to help. The ONLY absolutely reliable way to get rid of the hiccups is, drink an entire glass of water with your fingers in your ears. I promise, it works every single time.

If you don’t have a friend, the other way that works is, stand on your head and sing the “Star-Spangled Banner” while juggling three oranges with your feet. At least that’s what I heard.

How do you get rid of the hiccups?


by 35 Comments

#SoCS – Bitch Wanted

I have a week off without my youngest son. Balls of fun, right? Yeah, except I have so much to do I’m stuck with what-do-i-do-first-itis. You know that feeling, right?

So I was going to sit down and start reading SoCS posts this morning with my coffee. But then I thought, I don’t really want to do that before I write my own, because then I’ll know what everyone else is writing about and I’ll try to avoid those topics. And how many topics can you come up with from the word, “ball”?  I suppose there are a few.

Like the puppy’s, for instance.

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Winston

I’m thinking about getting him neutered. He’s started humping on a daily basis, pretty much anything he can get his front legs wrapped around. Which is natural. But before it gets to be too much I’m going to have to make a decision. I still have time – he’s only four and a half months old. But I hesitate, first, because he’s already been through major surgery and I don’t want to put him through it again, and second, because he’s such a good-natured, laid-back animal that I think the world deserves more like him. Would I find anyone who would want to mate their bitch with him? He who is a mix of beagle, possibly basset hound, and only god knows what else? Maybe not. I should probably look into classifieds for that sort of thing. But who would look for stud services and where would they look? Craigslist comes to mind…

Dating sites for dogs?

I can see it now: Bitch wanted. Must have shots.

Stud Muffin for hire – his name is actually Muffin.

Wanna get lucky tonight? Look at these puppies.

Well-hung and energetic. What? I was talking about my jowls?

Wanted: tail. Prefer long and fluffy.

Okay, you get the picture. We’re here ’til Thursday. Try the veal. Milk bone for dessert…

SoCS badge 2015

I’m off to read SoCS posts next. You can participate in Stream of Consciousness Saturday too! Just click here for details, and to read the rules: https://lindaghill.com/2016/03/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-march-1216/ If you join in I’ll read yours too!

 


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One-Liner Wednesday – I’ve found my calling!

Good news are on their way!
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I’ve found my calling: fortune cookie editor! My motto will be, “Making your Chinese food grammatically tastier, one line at a time.”

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com


____________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


by 37 Comments

I’m reduced to acronyms!

Warning: exclamation marks and acronyms ahead. I’ve been holding this rant in for a while.

I don’t understand why or how it can be so difficult to get magnetic letters for my fridge. They’re the kind of thing you just take for granted, aren’t they? They’ve been around forever. They’re everywhere. Right?

Except they’re not! Toys ‘r’ Us has none for sale in store nor online, and haven’t since Christmas. I can’t find ones to match mine anywhere on Amazon, and the only ones I have been able to find are at Indigo Books, online, for a whopping price of $24.99. Yes, you read that right. Twenty five bucks for 40 pieces of cheap molded plastic with cheap little magnets glued to them!

It’s highway robbery! And this is what I’m reduced to!!

CAM01369WTF?!


by 56 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – A deal that makes no sense

In Wal-Mart the other day, I was looking at printer ink when I came across an HP printer for $39.97 – almost $2 less than the cost of the ink that comes with it. I was tempted to buy two.

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

#1linerWeds badge by nearlywes.com

____________________________________________________________________

Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our new, very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


by 23 Comments

#SoCS – Playing with my food

As a child I was always told, “Don’t say you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it.” I have to say, I was more open to trying strange foods back then than I am now. But then again who knows if I’d have put a bug in my mouth and munched on it when I was a kid… I certainly won’t do it now.

Back then I did eat quite a few things that I still enjoy, that most people find weird. Pickled herring, blood pudding, and sour pickled onions to name a few. One thing I’ve only recently had the opportunity to eat again because of Japanese sushi, that I haven’t had since I was a child is eel. My parent’s best friends, Dot and Bob, lived next door to us all my life growing up. Bob worked in downtown Toronto for the city and he knew a lot of different shop owners. One such place he used to frequent had fresh eels. And I’m talking really fresh… he brought them home live. I remember playing with them in the kitchen sink at his house. One time in particular, when Dot (who hated them) and I were alone, one jumped out of the sink and was writhing around on the kitchen floor. She screamed for me and I, four years old at the time, had the job of picking it up and putting it back in the sink. It’s no wonder I’m not afraid of snakes. And no, I didn’t get in trouble for playing with my food.

I haven’t seen a live one since, but I do still enjoy the flavour. If you’re looking for it in a sushi place, the Japanese word is unagi.  Now I have a craving for sushi…

SoCS badge 2015

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click here https://lindaghill.com/2016/02/26/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-feb-2716/ and join in all the delicious fun today!


by 68 Comments

My Top Ten List of Annoying Things for This Week

It seems to me that, though life in general is made up of them, there are weeks when little annoyances build up rather substantially. Or perhaps I’m just less tolerant of them. During weeks like these, it’s important to keep a sense of humour lest I end up totally bonkers due to the stress of it all. Failing the ability to laugh at my woes in the privacy of my own closet (which is where the men in the white coats SHOULD NOT LOOK FOR ME!! IGNORE THE GIGGLES COMING FROM THE CLOSET!!!) this blog enables me to share my madness with all of you. Aren’t you lucky? Here we go.

My Top Ten List of Annoying Things for This Week

  1. Having a fantastic idea for a blog post that’s so freaking good that I didn’t need to write it down.
  2. Famous last words.
  3. Getting all ready to have a shower and then realizing I need to wash my clothes first.
  4. Snow days. All one of them.
  5. Firefox crashing every evening at about 7. What’s up with that?
  6. Having a to-do list that’s longer than there are hours in a day.
  7. Meat in the fridge that won’t wait just one more day before it expires. C’mon, meat! Have a bit of decency!
  8. Not being able to get more fridge magnet letters from Toys ‘r’ Us.

    9. on the bright side, the accent is correct

  9. Chocolate. More specifically, orange Kit Kat. Why does it have to be so mouth-wateringly delicious?!
  10. Not being able to come up with ten annoying things, damnit!

So, how has your week been so far?