I discovered this guy when I was out delivering papers. It was his hair I saw first, and then his three eyes.
He hasn’t much of a neck, but as I stood back I noticed that he does have two arms and a body.
I call him Ralph. He kinda reminds me of the abominable snowman.
This monstrosity is brought to you in conjunction with Mr. Captain Mark
and MoMoPoMo
Okay, I admit it; sometimes my grammar isn’t perfect. Oh sorry, did I forget to ask you to sit down before I dropped my bombshell? That’ll heal, don’t worry.
But seriously, I get tired of trying to write right all the time. It takes, like, brain cells and stuff to make sure I edit the hell out of every single solitary sentence I compose. And so while I do try to do my best here on my blog, I don’t always make sure my comments, my emails and (oh God) my texts are the essence of grammatical excellence. In fact when I’m in a hurry, I’ve actually been known to write things like “u” instead of “you” when tapping out a message on my phone. Don’t all gasp at once!
Is it lack of professionalism? Is it laziness? Or is it a bid to preserve the ever-decreasing amount of grey matter I possess due to the many things I have to deal with in any given moment?
What’s your excuse?
This grammatically questionable post has been brought to you in conjunction with Mr. Mark’s Roadshow
and GroMoBloPo
How it should have gone:
Geek Squad Mike: How can I help you?
Me: I’ll start at the beginning, shall I? Here we go. In April, or maybe even March, I came in with my laptop because the battery was shutting the machine off at 70% power. You took it and you “fixed” it, but the battery was still fucked. So your manager promised me a new battery. Last week–yes, 7 or 8 months later–I finally got my new battery. I’d like to know if you can put it in for me. …oh wait! I can answer that question for you. NO! You can’t put my new battery in because you ordered the wrong one!
Geek Squad Mike: I have no idea which idiot ordered the wrong battery for you: here’s a new laptop, free of charge!
How it actually went:
Geek Squad Mike: How can I help you?
Me: I got the wrong battery.
Geek Squad Mike: What’s your phone number, I’ll look that up for you.
Ten minutes later:
Geek Squad Mike: (who has been joined by Geek Squad Dillon) We can order the new battery for you. I’ll leave you with Dillon: he knows more than I do. He’s the computer genius.
Me: Yes, he’s the computer genius who ordered the wrong battery for me last time.
For some reason, Geek Squad Dillon didn’t think that was funny.
True story.
This true story has been brought to you in conjunction with Mr. Mark:
and PoBloCompMo
I saw these tracks in the snow this morning; they seemed odd.
I studied them for a while before I came to a definite conclusion as to what they meant. Obviously they were made by a disgruntled squirrel, dragging his wagon behind him.
And then I saw the note.
I’d say that pretty much confirms it. This snow is for the birds.
This post in aid of the cause:
and:
“Analog chocolate beats digital chocolate any day. But can I have my analog chocolate with digital calories?”
According to the “contest” on this post I have declared a winner for the answer that most tickled my funnybone. It comes to you from the lovely jetgirlcos of Forty and Fantastique!
If you don’t already follow her, please check out her blog!
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Anyone who would like to try it out, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a ping back, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below.
As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday, if you see a ping back from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.
The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:
1. Make it one sentence.
2. Make it either funny or inspirational.
Have fun!
1. Which witch is which?
2. Which is better: slapstick or dry?
3. Which beverage makes the most sense?
4. Which one?
5. Which would you rather be: a sandwich or a set of false teeth?
6. Which Disney character are you most like?
7. Which colour is the best colour in the world to paint a kitchen?
8. Which sound is the most annoying ever?
9. Which is better: digital or analogue?
10. Which musician would you bring back from the dead, if you could?
As always, a point for every good answer, and a bonus point for your “which” question to me. Funniest answer (decided by me) may be posted as my One-Liner Wednesday. Go!
My manuscript is literally bigger than The Stand! I have proof!
But seriously, wouldn’t you love to be able to say that about your body of work and actually mean it in more than a literal sense? Even if I’m that good, which I suspect that possibly I’m not, (ahem) there’s no chance in hell, or even Castle Rock that I can catch up to the great SK. I didn’t start early enough. In fact, by my calculations I’d have to live to be a hundred and twenty five and seven-eighths years old to write as many books as Stephen King has and will. And honestly, I can’t see myself writing much past my 120th birthday anyway.
Conclusion: I’m destined to spend the rest of my existence wheezing on his literary dust. And enjoying the Castle Rock out of his books.
Blogher’s deal:
1. Who let the dogs out?
2. Who puts the holes in donuts?
3. Who do they put all those warnings on labels for – you know, the ones that are just common sense?
4. Who was that masked man?
5. Who are you? Who? Who? Who? Who?
6. Who goes moo when they see a cow?
7. Who was the first person to ask which came first, the chicken or the egg?
8. Who likes lima beans? I mean, seriously…
9. Who makes my day brighter? You do! Who makes yours?
10. Who has woken you up more in your life than anyone else?
1 Point for every question you answer – 10 points for one “who” question back at me. The winner of the funniest answer (decided by me) gets their answer posted on One-Liner Wednesday. Go!
These whos are brought to you by the letter M (for Mr. Mark):
and the number 9, as in the 9th day of:
As if one Blog Hop wasn’t enough for members of Team Pepper, our gracious host, Mark Bialczak has given us a new challenge with another, unique Blog Hop game – The Name Game. 😀 I was nominated for this go-round by MeWhoAmI. Thank you my dear!
Here Are the Rules:
1. Write a paragraph or two about somebody from an ordinary walk of life with an unordinary name. It can either be a true story about somebody you know with that name, or a fictional piece about somebody with a name you made up.
2. After you’re done posting your story, send me an email to markbialczak@gmail.com with your Blog Hop II, your blog name and either TRUE STORY or MADE IT UP in the subject line.
3. Pick another Nano Poblano team member from the home page and tag them on their About page. Try to spread the wealth around from Fish of Gold’s original blog hop to start, but duplication is OK as the month rolls along.
4. The writing cutoff is Nov. 28. By the end of Nov. 29, email to me at markbialczak@gmail.com a list with a guess of TRUE STORY or MADE UP for each post on the blog hop. Put Blog Hop II, Final Guesses in the subject line.
5. The Nano Poblano team member with the most correct answers wins a special prize, which I will mail to them. That means you will have to email me your address if you win.
6. Add your link to the chain of writers.
7. Have fun.
My Story: Linda
When I was in my early twenties I worked for the company that distributed Minwax Wood Stains in Canada. My job started out as data entry and later on, organizing travel arrangements for our sales reps across the country. While I was there I made friends with the receptionist – her name was Maria.
We went out occasionally for drinks on a Saturday night and, during one of the outings I had the pleasure of meeting her brother, Sam. He was extremely good-looking and well built and I admit, even though I had a boyfriend at the time, what with the effects of a couple of drinks in me, I flirted with him a little. It wasn’t until I saw Maria on Monday at work that she told me what Sam did for a living.
During the day he had a job as a copy-machine repairman. She said he made decent money, but he supplemented his income with a part-time job. On Tuesday and Thursday nights he was Saddle McFleshbomb, male stripper.
Who has contributed so far?
And me Linda G. Hill
Next in line, I call on Lucy at The Excessive Gardener!
I don’t know if it’s the subconscious prodding of being part of Team Pepper, or if it’s the weather, but I had a craving yesterday for chili con carne. So while I was at the grocery store, I bought all the ingredients which are now simmering on my stove top, their mingled aromas wafting into my nostrils and teasing my growling tummy.
I don’t like cooking, as a rule, except when I’m making something that I can see coming together in stages. To me, making a pot of chili, or spaghetti sauce, or dish I call “slop” (which is basically all the veggies you’d put in spaghetti except without the tomato sauce but including chopped tomatoes, and chicken and rice with a dash or two of curry) is more like building a dinner than cooking it. To me it looks like life.
You start with the basic ingredient and it’s like a newly formed child. Add in the next, which may be language, and a sprinkling of different spices (which we all know are actually experiences) and before you know it, it’s turned into something entirely different, and yet the same.
And then you eat it! Which incidentally is where it stops being like a person… unless you’re into that… but we won’t go there, will we…?
Where was I? Oh yes, peppers. My chili is going to be hot and spicy. Just like Nano Poblano… and the people involved. Who I won’t eat.
lindaghill.com 