Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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One-Liner Wednesday – Confession Time

Sometimes I tell my kids I’m going to get changed just so I can go into my room, shut the door, and lay down for five minutes. They never notice when I come out wearing the same clothes. Shhhhh!!!

Winston knows.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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242. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, April 30th, 5:00pm
Simon (and Rachael)

 

Simon sits at the window. Rachael takes the seat beside him.

Rachael: Damnit! (studies her finger)

Simon: Break a nail?

Rachael: Yeah.

Simon: I can fix it for you.

Rachael: You have nail clippers?

Simon: No, just give it here. (grabs for her hand)

Rachael: (recoils) What are you doing?

Simon: I’ll bite it off for you.

Rachael stares, horrified.

Simon: C’mon. Just a nibble.

Rachael changes seats.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, May 1st, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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Zoned

I love being “in the zone.” Totally concentrated on what I’m doing. Especially when I’m writing. People talk to me and I know somewhere on the edge of consciousness they’re asking me a question. Once, twice, and then maybe the third time they ask, I’ll answer with a completely inappropriate word.

Son: Have you fed the dog?

Me: Cupboard.

Son: Mom?

Me: Uh … the food’s in the cupboard.

Son: I know where it is. Has he eaten yet?

Me: Okay, thanks.

That sort of thing. And they think I’m zoned out, but I’m zoned in, man. Like, totally zoned IN. (Sorry, Cheech and Chong were on Stephen Colbert last week and I seem to be channeling Tommy Chong.) It’s all a matter of perspective. I’m guessing nobody would want to be in my zone with me anyhow. At least not farther into my zone than the filtered version that my writing offers. This zone’s deep and scary, man. Deep and scary.


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#SoCS – Yes

Why do so many of us find it hard to say no? Saying yes seems to be what overextends me. Sure, I can do that. Let me help you. Gah! I never get my own stuff done.

And I have stuff. I have loads of stuff. Tons of it. And all of it needs to be done. I am getting little bits of stuff done here and there. I managed to get some rewriting done on the beginning of my upcoming book. Looks now like it’ll be published in June. I’ll try for the 27th – one year from the date the last one came out. So much for six months between releases.

Hey, a heads-up. I have a book blog tour for The Magician’s Curse running for ten days starting April 30th, so you’ll probably be sick of hearing about it by the 9th of May. But I do plan to put it on sale, so there’s that.

OH, one thing I did manage to get done was I phoned the company who manufactured my smoke alarms. They’re going to replace them for free. Now I just have to not start a fire in my house between now and the time they show up in the mail. I can do that, right? I can say no to fire.

Well, it’s officially Sunday here now, so I suppose I should stop writing my Stream of Consciousness Saturday post. If you’d like to join in (late, like me) or just read all the other entries, click the following link: https://lindaghill.com/2018/04/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-28-18/ It’s fun!


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Xylophone

I have nothing to say about xylophones except that I remember wanting one as a child. To me, they were like pianos you could bash with a hammer. Which was probably why when I got one, it broke. It had keys (do you call them keys? let me look it up … oooh, I learned something new) bars made of rainbow-coloured pieces of metal that eventually sounded less melodic than if I’d had a series of tin cans lined up.

What did I learn? I learned a xylophone has wooden keys and the ones with metal keys are glockenspiels. So there you go: I’ve never owned a xylophone.

I feel like my whole childhood was a lie now. Thanks Wikipedia.


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239. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, April 27th, 6:00pm
Jose and Gisele

 

Gisele: Thanks for coming out for coffee with me.

Jose: Oh no problem. It was … nice.

Gisele: (after an uncomfortable silence) So, you have any plans for the summer?

Jose: I was thinking about going away on vacation, but I have reservations.

Gisele: Oh yeah? Where are you heading?

Jose: I’m not even sure I want to go.

Gisele: Then … why did you make reservations?

 

Next stop: Saturday, April 28th, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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Well, I Never!

Has the cashier in a grocery store ever commented on your purchases? It happens to me once in a while. It happened today, in fact. I had two loaves of bread and a can of salmon on the conveyor. As the cashier scanned them, she said, “Salmon sandwiches.”

“Yeah,” I replied. But then I got to thinking.

What if I’d been buying, say, mouthwash: might she have asked, “Did you forget the garlic bread”?

What about beans: “Better be sleeping alone tonight!”

Toilet paper? “I love this one! So soft.”

Condoms? “Someone’s getting lucky!”

A cucumber? …okay, never mind. You get the picture. Whether you want it or not.

So yeah, it’s probably just my imagination running away with me as usual, but having the cashier comment on my food kinda weirds me out.


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238. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Thursday, April 26th, 5:00pm
Miriam and Ursula

 

Miriam: Oh! I got a new crossword puzzle book.

Ursula: Where did you find that? I thought we had them all for this month.

Miriam: I found this new store. They’ve got way more puzzle books than the place we usually go.

Ursula: Seriously? Where is it?

Miriam: You know the hardware store near the office?

Ursula stares blankly.

Miriam: Up the street from the Jesus place.

Ursula: The one next to the sex shop?

Miriam: Yeah! It’s between there and the tattoo parlour.

Ursula: Oh I think I know the one!

Miriam: Tomorrow, lunch time. We’ll go in there. The place is like puzzle heaven.

Ursula: Crossword crack.

Miriam: Exactly!

 

Next stop: Friday, April 27th, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


by 48 Comments

One-Liner Wednesday – Difficult Concepts

My darling youngest son came home from school on Friday and told me that Monday, his class would be outside planting flowers. He said they needed to wear “old clothes” because they’d be getting dirty. When I said, okay, that’s fine, he asked me when we’d be going to the mall to buy some “old clothes.”

Yeah. Some things don’t seem to translate from sign language very well. Or maybe he just didn’t get it.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 

 


by 3 Comments

233. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Saturday, April 21st, 9:00pm
Edward and Lily

 

Edward: It was awful!

Lily: There there. Who can I get rid of for you? Is it that new boss of yours?

Edward: No! I can’t believe he meant for it to happen. All those … women! And they were dancing with poles … Some of them were upside down!

Lily: So you want me to go there and get rid of the women for you?

Edward: (touches her hand) No. It’s too dangerous. Women are dangerous. Real human women that is. Not you.

Lily: Come home with me then, Edward darling. I’ll look after you.

Edward: You will?

Lily: For you? I’ll even open my best red.

Edward: You will?

Lily: Of course. I’ve had him chained up in my basement for months.

 

Next stop: Sunday, April 22nd, 1:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.