Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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One-Liner Wednesday – Ink

It occurred to me the other day that the biggest leap of faith for an editor has to be getting a tattoo.

I hart MOM

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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#SoCS – Whoa!

Okay, bear with me. I’m going to tell you what I was thinking about the other day. It was one of those “whoa!!” moments you get, you know? Like when something comes into your head that’s so mind-blowing, you have to think back and try to remember if you’ve just smoked a joint? (For the record, I haven’t, in, like, many many years.) (Too many years to count.) (Like, really, a long time ago.) (I love stream of consciousness writing because it’s like you can’t take it back. It’s just … there.) (Like, whoa.) (Time to go back and see where I was heading with this. Just a sec.)

Oh yeah. The other day. So I was sitting in front of the computer, naturally, and I was reading, and it occurred to me that I was reading.

That’s it! That was my “whoa!!” moment. I was reading!! My eyes were deciphering these lines and squiggles on the screen and making sense of them instantaneously!! I was learning something at the rate it took my eyes to scan from one side of the page to the next. Isn’t that amazing!?!? How fast our brains are to not only recognize letters, but see them in an order that makes words make sense to us?!? It’s crazy, man!!

And now? What’s even better? My fingers are putting these letters on the screen as fast as I can think words (and spell them correctly) so that I can convey to you, (you readers!!) what I was thinking the other day.

It’s, like, WHOA!!

This totally, completely stream of consciousness post that I’m almost afraid to read before I publish because I’m not allowed to edit it (my rules) and I’ll probably delete if I do read it, is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Read (whoa) the rules at the following link and join in! https://lindaghill.com/2018/05/04/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-may-5-18/

P.S. This post was written under the influence of pasta. No drugs (except caffeine) were consumed prior to the typing (whoa) of the above words. But I may open a bottle of wine now …


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244. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Wednesday, May 2nd, 6:00pm
The Grim Reaper (and The Darkness)

 

The Grim Reaper sits at the window with his scythe. The Darkness boards the bus and approaches.

The Grim Reaper: (looking up) Who do you think you are?

The Darkness: (conversationally) I am The Darkness.

The Grim Reaper: I’m afraid I’ll have to see some ID.

The Darkness pulls card from pocket and hands it to The Grim Reaper.

The Grim Reaper: (leans his scythe against the seat and takes the card. reading) Last name, Darkness, first name, The. I guess you want to see mine now.

The Darkness nods.

The Grim Reaper: (hands The Darkness back the card, picks up the scythe and exits the bus. mumbling) Damn it, Martha was right. I should have brought my wallet.

 

Next stop: Thursday, May 3rd, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – Confession Time

Sometimes I tell my kids I’m going to get changed just so I can go into my room, shut the door, and lay down for five minutes. They never notice when I come out wearing the same clothes. Shhhhh!!!

Winston knows.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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242. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, April 30th, 5:00pm
Simon (and Rachael)

 

Simon sits at the window. Rachael takes the seat beside him.

Rachael: Damnit! (studies her finger)

Simon: Break a nail?

Rachael: Yeah.

Simon: I can fix it for you.

Rachael: You have nail clippers?

Simon: No, just give it here. (grabs for her hand)

Rachael: (recoils) What are you doing?

Simon: I’ll bite it off for you.

Rachael stares, horrified.

Simon: C’mon. Just a nibble.

Rachael changes seats.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, May 1st, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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Zoned

I love being “in the zone.” Totally concentrated on what I’m doing. Especially when I’m writing. People talk to me and I know somewhere on the edge of consciousness they’re asking me a question. Once, twice, and then maybe the third time they ask, I’ll answer with a completely inappropriate word.

Son: Have you fed the dog?

Me: Cupboard.

Son: Mom?

Me: Uh … the food’s in the cupboard.

Son: I know where it is. Has he eaten yet?

Me: Okay, thanks.

That sort of thing. And they think I’m zoned out, but I’m zoned in, man. Like, totally zoned IN. (Sorry, Cheech and Chong were on Stephen Colbert last week and I seem to be channeling Tommy Chong.) It’s all a matter of perspective. I’m guessing nobody would want to be in my zone with me anyhow. At least not farther into my zone than the filtered version that my writing offers. This zone’s deep and scary, man. Deep and scary.


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#SoCS – Yes

Why do so many of us find it hard to say no? Saying yes seems to be what overextends me. Sure, I can do that. Let me help you. Gah! I never get my own stuff done.

And I have stuff. I have loads of stuff. Tons of it. And all of it needs to be done. I am getting little bits of stuff done here and there. I managed to get some rewriting done on the beginning of my upcoming book. Looks now like it’ll be published in June. I’ll try for the 27th – one year from the date the last one came out. So much for six months between releases.

Hey, a heads-up. I have a book blog tour for The Magician’s Curse running for ten days starting April 30th, so you’ll probably be sick of hearing about it by the 9th of May. But I do plan to put it on sale, so there’s that.

OH, one thing I did manage to get done was I phoned the company who manufactured my smoke alarms. They’re going to replace them for free. Now I just have to not start a fire in my house between now and the time they show up in the mail. I can do that, right? I can say no to fire.

Well, it’s officially Sunday here now, so I suppose I should stop writing my Stream of Consciousness Saturday post. If you’d like to join in (late, like me) or just read all the other entries, click the following link: https://lindaghill.com/2018/04/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-april-28-18/ It’s fun!


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Xylophone

I have nothing to say about xylophones except that I remember wanting one as a child. To me, they were like pianos you could bash with a hammer. Which was probably why when I got one, it broke. It had keys (do you call them keys? let me look it up … oooh, I learned something new) bars made of rainbow-coloured pieces of metal that eventually sounded less melodic than if I’d had a series of tin cans lined up.

What did I learn? I learned a xylophone has wooden keys and the ones with metal keys are glockenspiels. So there you go: I’ve never owned a xylophone.

I feel like my whole childhood was a lie now. Thanks Wikipedia.


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239. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, April 27th, 6:00pm
Jose and Gisele

 

Gisele: Thanks for coming out for coffee with me.

Jose: Oh no problem. It was … nice.

Gisele: (after an uncomfortable silence) So, you have any plans for the summer?

Jose: I was thinking about going away on vacation, but I have reservations.

Gisele: Oh yeah? Where are you heading?

Jose: I’m not even sure I want to go.

Gisele: Then … why did you make reservations?

 

Next stop: Saturday, April 28th, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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Well, I Never!

Has the cashier in a grocery store ever commented on your purchases? It happens to me once in a while. It happened today, in fact. I had two loaves of bread and a can of salmon on the conveyor. As the cashier scanned them, she said, “Salmon sandwiches.”

“Yeah,” I replied. But then I got to thinking.

What if I’d been buying, say, mouthwash: might she have asked, “Did you forget the garlic bread”?

What about beans: “Better be sleeping alone tonight!”

Toilet paper? “I love this one! So soft.”

Condoms? “Someone’s getting lucky!”

A cucumber? …okay, never mind. You get the picture. Whether you want it or not.

So yeah, it’s probably just my imagination running away with me as usual, but having the cashier comment on my food kinda weirds me out.