Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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#SoCS – The Burp

I don’t burp. At least not often. When I do, I make a point of telling everyone I know, “I burped! First time this year!” and so on … I don’t think I’ve made it past six. I don’t understand how people can make themselves burp. Just the idea makes me want to throw up. And I really hate doing that.

My son, Alex, does neither burp nor throw up. He has a g-tube–a tube in his stomach through which he feeds by means of a pump and formula–and at six months of age he had a fundoplication. Rather than try to explain it myself, here’s Merriam-Webster’s definition:

Medical Definition of fundoplication

: a surgical procedure in which the upper portion of the stomach is wrapped around the lower end of the esophagus and sutured in place as a treatment for the reflux of stomach contents into the esophagus — see nissen fundoplication

It means he’s not physically able to burp, let alone vomit. So if he needs to do either, I attach a large syringe minus the plunger to the end of a tube in his g-tube and I vent him, which is basically opening up his stomach to the air by means of a tube. The air comes out along with whatever else needs to, and he’s good to go. It’s like farting without the smell. I often wish I had a tube in my stomach through which I could release gas at will. Going through the regular channels can get painful.

But poor little baby Alex had reflux like nobody’s business. He threw up everything that went in. We tried drugs that didn’t help. We tried different formulas. I even pumped my own milk for six months while he was in the hospital. He couldn’t keep that down, either. (He finally came out of the hospital at eight months of age.)

So, yeah. Where was I?

Burping. Right. Can’t do it. To me it’s like giving birth to an air bubble.

And I’m leaving you with that thought.

This post with probably too much information is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to find all the other bodily functions posts from other bloggers and join in too! https://lindaghill.com/2018/08/10/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-august-11-18/


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335. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Wednesday, August 1st, 5:00pm
Michael (and DeeDee)

 

Michael sits at the window, reading a book. DeeDee takes the seat beside him.

DeeDee: Excuse me.

Michael: (glances up) Oh God, not you again.

DeeDee: Yeah, me again. I’ve got something to ask you.

Michael: I’m not interested.

DeeDee: Oh, I think you will be.

Michael: I’m trying to read.

DeeDee: I can wait ’til you’re finished.

Michael: I’m only a quarter of the way into my book. Good luck.

DeeDee: That’s fine. I’ll count while I wait. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, ni…

Michael: (snaps the book closed) Okay, what do you want?

DeeDee: Did you know that peanut butter was first patented by a Canadian?

Michael: (stares at her) You interrupted my reading for that?

DeeDee: It’s something everyone should know.

Michael shakes his head and goes back to his book.

DeeDee: (singing) Peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time.

Michael: (closes his book) Do you hate me?

DeeDee: A little. (starts singing again)

 

Next stop: Thursday, August 2nd, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – Who? Who, who, who, who?

Backstory: the dog escaped the back yard and my son didn’t know because he was sleeping, so before I went out, I put a note on the door to warn him not to let the dog out back. When I got home, I put the gate up on the deck–the only place safe for Winston to go out. I couldn’t resist taking the picture, just so I could write the title of this post.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our lovely new badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


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#SoCS – Tea, no matter what

When, as a child, I questioned the wisdom of drinking hot tea on a hot day, my parents told me that it made you sweat, which is better. Back then we didn’t have an air conditioner in the house. They weren’t really a “thing” in my neighbourhood, at least outside of public buildings. We never had a window unit and didn’t get central air until the late 70s, early 80s.

My parents came from the UK–let’s get that out of the way. They HAD to have their tea. So even when it was 90 degrees outside, we’d be sitting with our cuppa, vying for a spot where there was a bit of a wind to cool off our sweaty skin. All stiff-upper-lip/do-it-because-it-feels-good-when-you-stop behaviour.

But that’s turned out to be a good thing. I can’t stand iced (or cold) coffee, but I’ve been conditioned to bear the heat of summer AND a scorching hot drink. I’ve learned to appreciate that extra layer of perspiration that cools me off when I come in contact with even the slightest of breezes.

Or I drink it in an air conditioned room.

Because who needs a stiff upper lip when you have A/C?

BUT, having said that, I still take my cup of tea upstairs to bed with me every night. I have a fan on my bedside table that blasts me with cool air.

Ingenuity is the boon of all that ails.

 

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the following link to find all the other posts in the comments, and the rules to join in too. It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-28-18/


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327. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Tuesday, July 24th, 5:00pm
Chuck and Gisele

 

Gisele: You’re going to camping this weekend?

Chuck: Yes. I just have to ensure I have my tent.

Gisele: You can do that?

Chuck: Do what?

Gisele: Insure a tent.

Chuck: (rolls eyes) Yes. Yes I can.

 

Next stop: Wednesday, July 25th, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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326. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, July 23rd, 6:00pm
Curtis and Melody

 

Curtis: So, do you watch Game of Thrones?

Melody: I don’t watch TV.

Curtis: Huh. What kind of music do you listen to?

Melody: I like the bagpipes.

Curtis: Interesting … Watched any good movies lately?

Melody: Yeah, actually. I just saw Ishtar for the first time. I thought it was great.

Curtis: Ishtar?

Melody: Yeah, you know. Dustin Hoffman?

Curtis: Oh right. Riight …

Melody nods, her hands resting on her lap.

Curtis: So I thought we’d, you know, go bowling or something tonight.

Melody: Oh. I don’t have bowling shoes.

Curtis: (smiles) You can rent them.

Melody: (shakes head) I don’t think so. I take a size fifteen.

Curtis: Huh. So what would you like to do?

Melody: We could … I dunno, maybe take in a hockey game?

Curtis: Sure!

Melody: My baby brother is playing. He’s four. My parents and all my aunts and uncles will be there.

Curtis:  (eyes wide) Damn!

Melody: What is it?

Curtis: I just remembered I have to take my dog for a walk. I’d better get off here. (stands) Maybe we can try for a date again next week. I’ll call you.

Curtis gets off the bus.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, July 24th, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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#SoCS – Gimme some skin!

Skin is an organ, right? Sure it is. (Looked it up because I was only 99% sure.) You know what else I looked up? The phrase “give me some skin.” That was exactly what I thought it was too. But I was surprised at how many “give me some …”s there are in the Urban Dictionary. Many surprised me. Some even include other organs! Look if you dare.

Give me some skin is such a friendly one, though. As long as you don’t mind sharing your organs. Of course, some people go much further and share their kidneys. Not both, of course. That would be fatal. Potentially. Still, you don’t see people going around saying “gimme some kidney …” *Checks Urban Dictionary … OOh, if you click on the last one on the list, you get more. But no, there’s cabbage, but no kidney.

Then there’s the exchange of organs–an eye for an eye. That doesn’t make much sense, does it? Unless you jip someone out of an eye that has 20/20 vision when yours is less. Haha! Gotcha! But then you have the potential difficulty of having two eyes that don’t match in colour. How awkward! (I have one blue and one green … it’s really not that awkward. But you know, stream of consciousness and no editing …) I’m using a lot of ellipsis in this post. I don’t usually.

Anyhoo, lots to do. There are a couple of actual blog posts I’ve been meaning to write. *gasp! So much to do.

This silly post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to find lots of other posts to read in the comment section, and join in yourself. It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-21-18/


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One-Liner Wednesday – Thought of the day

Is it Wednesday already?

Click to look at it close up. An incredible picture (rare for me) of a snail on a flower.

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our lovely new badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!


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#SoCS – How?

How am I supposed to do this? I’m asking myself that a lot lately. Between the advertising methods I need to learn, affiliate codes and links and landing pages … GDPR? Don’t even get me started. I need a privacy policy now just to have a newsletter … have you actually read one of those things? (A privacy policy, not a newsletter.) They’re pages of mumbo jumbo. But I have to get all this done soon because … I can’t say. Just know that there’s a big announcement coming  very soon. Maybe tomorrow.

I wonder if Shakespeare had to deal with all this stuff.

Thou’st are not compliant

Fie upon your dogg’d insistence!

Mine eyes cast daggers on thy curs’d GDPR!

Yeah, I doubt it. And no, Shakespeare I am most definitely not.

This short, sweet, archaic post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Click the following link and join in today! https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/13/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-14-18/


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#SoCS – ‘Sup?

Holy cow, is it really ten to twelve? Where did my Saturday go? I know I spent a lot of it proofreading my book, but there must have been bits in between, because I only got about a hundred pages done.

Most of that time I spent in the car with the windows down, enjoying the breeze off the lake. I did take a little walk when my eyes needed a break. I found this guy, standing on a rock.

If you can’t tell, it’s a heron. Compared to the ducks in the first picture, he’s a biggie.

Let’s see, what else did I do? Oh yeah. About an hour after I finished my McDonald’s coffee, I started to feel icky so I went to Tim Horton’s to pick up a bagel for supper. Then I took it back to the lake and ate it, sitting in the parking lot in my car, beside a Winnebago. Unfortunately I didn’t think of the joke until after I’d finished eating, otherwise I’d have taken a picture of myself beside the other vehicle whilst holding my food. I could have captioned it: Winnebago? No, I bought it.

Get it?

Yeah, it’s been a long day.

‘Sup with you?

This bad, bad post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link and check out all the good posts, which you can find in the comment section. https://lindaghill.com/2018/07/06/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-7-18/