Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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53. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, October 23rd, 5:00pm
Donald (and Andrea)

 

Donald sits in the aisle seat. Andrea approaches.

Andrea: Do you mind?

Donald: Oh! No. (shifts over to window seat)

Andrea: (sitting down) Bus is pretty crowded.

Donald: Yes.

Andrea: You just noticed?

Donald: I beg your pardon?

Andrea: Just when the bus is crowded it makes sense to leave any open seats available, doesn’t it?

Donald: I supp …

Andrea: I mean, it’s just common sense. It’s rude to keep two seats all to yourself when there’s so many people on the bus.

Donald: I was waiting for someone.

Andrea: (turns her head to the left and right) Who?

Donald: A … another man.

Andrea: A particular “other man”? Or just “another man”? Are you, like, disappointed that a woman sat beside you?

Donald: (looks her up and down) Yes. And in particular, you.

Andrea is speechless, mouth hanging open.

Donald: You’re rude and distasteful. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s women like you who make men like me—straight men, that is—wonder what it is we see in women at all.

Andrea: Well, I never!

Donald: (raises voice) Then it’s about damned time.

Donald steps over her and stands in the aisle.

Donald: (yelling) And for the record, I was waiting for a particular man, not just another man. One who’s much more tasty– (shakes his head) tasteful than you!

Donald gets off the bus to a round of applause.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, October 24th, 8:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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51. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Saturday, October 21st, 7:00pm
Hillary (and Sean)(and Drommen)

 

Hillary sits at the window. Sean takes the seat beside her.

Sean: Hey.

Hillary stares out the window.

Sean: What the fuck’s up with you lately?

Hillary: Nothin’

Sean: You’re still waitin’ for that creepy guy?

Hillary: He’s not creepy. He’s nice.

Sean: What’s his name?

Hillary: Whatever. Jake. Whatever.

Sean: Yeah well, I heard he likes to expose himself on the bus.

Hillary: (turns to him) Who told you that?

Sean: (shrugs) Does it matter? The guy’s a creep.

Hillary rests her head against the window and looks out.

Sean: What do you say we just go get fucked up?

Hillary: Not interested.

Sean: Suit yourself. But don’t go whinin’ to me if he asks … Hey, isn’t that him? (points at Drommen, boarding the bus)

Hillary: (sits up straight) Yeah.

Sean: (mockingly) Should I leave the two of you alone? Maybe he’ll show you his wiener.

Hillary: Maybe you’re a wiener.

Drommen, carrying a grocery bag, walks up the aisle and stops in front of Sean.

Drommen: (to Hillary) Hi, Jessica.

Sean: (looks up at Drommen) Hey, asshole.

Drommen holding his hands behind his back, leans down and says something in Sean’s ear. Sean gets up and moves to the rear of the bus, and Drommen takes his seat.

Hillary: What did you say to him?

Drommen: (holds open his bag for her to look inside) I just offered him a sausage.

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 22nd, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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#SoCS – Allspice

Thyme and time again, every week, it seems, I post a prompt with a bit of an idea in my head of what I’m going to write, but when I finally sit down, it’s something else. This week, I’m writing rather gingerly (in a way), because I’m trying to do it around all the other things I should be doing for tomorrow’s birthday party dinner.

I invited friends and family to cumin join us, and have already bought cards for myself and my mother to give to Alex (a cardamom), but I still have to go buy a few presents. And wrap them. Which of course will make them all parsley. (That made me laugh.)

Although he doesn’t eat (my son is tube-fed), Alex likes to choose what everyone else wants, and if it’s something that tastes good to him, he’ll have some. For tomorrow, he’s requested “big chicken,” which means a whole barbecued chicken from the grocery store. And a Spiderman cake for dessert, which I really should order soon. Mustardiness rule my life all the time? I need to follow my own sage advice: don’t procrastinate! I need to sumac myself upside the head with it once in a while.

Whatever happens, I’m sure tomorrow’s dinner will be peppered with love, free of a salt (ouch, that was a stretch), and anise day all around. In fact, it may just be a macing. And dinner itself is sure to be savory.

Fall is when it gets chili outside.

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link and join in! https://lindaghill.com/2017/10/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-2117/


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49. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Adult theme.

Thursday, October 19th, 6:00pm
Drommen (and Donald)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Donald takes the seat beside him.

Donald: Hi.

Drommen: Hello.

Donald: Can I ask you a personal question?

Drommen: I suppose.

Donald: If a guy likes mostly women but there’s just one guy that he’s attracted to, do you think that makes him gay?

Drommen: There’s nothing wrong with attraction. It’s what you do with it.

Donald: Okay, so say this guy is attracted to this other guy and they actually sleep together a couple of times. Does that make him gay?

Drommen observes Donald silently.

Donald: I’m asking for a friend. Of course.

Drommen: Of course.

Donald: So do you think my friend is gay?

Drommen: And he’s attracted to girls?

Donald: Yeah.

Drommen: Maybe he’s bisexual.

Donald: Hmm … Maybe.

Drommen looks out the window.

Donald: Hey, can I ask you something else?

Drommen: Sure.

Donald: Do you mind if I masturbate?

Drommen stares at him wide-eyed.

Donald: Just as an experiment. To see if, you know, I get excited sitting beside another guy.

Drommen: (still wide-eyed) I thought it was your friend.

Donald: IT IS! The experiment is for him.

Drommen: I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that. But there’s a guy who rides the bus once in a while. You could ask him.

Donald: Really? What does he look like?

Drommen: You can’t miss him. He sparkles and wears fake fangs.

 

Next stop: Friday, October 20th, 2:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – Trouble

Yesterday’s conversation between my mother (who has a sense of humour and dementia) and myself:

Mum: Did you know your dad died in 1948?

Me: No, Mum, it was 1978. I was born in ’64, so if he died in ’48, he wasn’t my dad.

Mum: Oh. I’d better shut up then, before I get myself in trouble.

And we laughed, and laughed …

___________________________________________________________________________

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 

 


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46. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, October 16th, 1:00pm
Captain Longsight (and Zoey)

 

Captain Longsight sits at the window. Zoey takes the seat beside him.

Captain Longsight: (pulls binoculars from bag and peers through them out the window) Holy Shamoly!

Zoey: What?

Captain Longsight: There’s a crime going on down that sidestreet!

Zoey: (holds hand out for the binoculars) Can I see?

Captain Longsight: There’s no way you can see it.

Zoey: Why not? The bus isn’t going anywhere.

Captain Longsight: It’s not that. It’s just I have amazing powers of being able to see long distances.

Zoey: (laughs) Of course you can. You have binoculars.

Captain Longsight: Oh these? (holds up binoculars) These don’t matter. I’m Captain Longsight. I was born with extraordinary powers of farsightedness.

Zoey: Soo … why do you carry binoculars?

Captain Longsight: Well … You wouldn’t understand.

Zoey: Try me.

Captain Longsight: They were a gift.

Zoey: Kinda like your gift of farsightedness?

Captain Longsight: N0! Like a birthday gift.

Zoey: Huh. So, Captain Longsight, do you fight crime with your superpowers?

Captain Longsight: (pulls cell phone out of pocket and smiles) I call the cops!

Zoey: Hooray. (changes seats)

 

Next stop: Tuesday, October 17th, 2:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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44. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Saturday, October 14th, 8:00pm
Edward (and The Darkness)

 

Edward sits at the window. The Darkness takes the seat beside him.

Edward: (sniffs and turns to The Darkness) Who the hell are you?

The Darkness: I am The Darkness

Edward: No you’re not. I am the darkness.

The Darkness: I am The Darkness.

Edward: No, I am the darkness.

The Darkness: I AM THE DARKNESS!!

Edward: (hisses, showing plastic fangs) I AM THE DARKNESS!!

Both get kicked off the bus.

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 15th, 9:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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43. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Adult theme.

Friday, October 13th, 9:00pm
Drommen (and Candice)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Candice takes the seat beside him.

Drommen: (smiles) Hello.

Candice: Hi.

Drommen: Nice night out.

Candice: Yep.

Drommen: Mind if I masturbate?

Candice: Go for it.

Drommen: (raises eyebrows) Seriously?

Candice: Go right ahead. But don’t expect me to watch.

Drommen: (frowns) You won’t watch? Why not?

Candice: Okay, fine. But it’ll cost you.

Drommen: How much?

Candice: (regards him closely) You’re a good-looking guy. Fifty bucks.

Drommen: Are you a prostitute?

Candice: Nope.

Drommen: Then how can you charge me fifty bucks?

Candice: How can you ask me in the first place?

Drommen snorts and slouches in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

 

Next stop: Saturday, October 14th, 8:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – A Twofer!

Here’s a twofer: my table at my book signing on Sunday and a selfie, all in one!

I didn’t realize I was taking a selfie …

____________________________________________________________________________

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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38. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Sunday, October 8th, 2:00pm
Drommen (and Bev, Darla and Vicki)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Bev takes the seat beside him, and Darla and Vicki sit down behind them.

Drommen: (smiling at Bev) Hello.

Bev smiles and nods.

Drommen: Mind if I masturbate?

Bev: Pardon?

Darla: (leans forward and says loudly) I think he said “Jersey is the Garden State.”

Vicki: (leans forward and says loudly) I thought he said “Rogers gives a rebate.”

Bev: (loudly) Really? A rebate on what? (turns to talk to Darla and Vicki) I was just saying to Sue the other day, I need a new iPhone …

Drommen slouches in his seat, arms crossed, and looks out the window.

 

 

Next stop: Monday, October 9th, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.