Friday, October 27th, 5:00pm
Moe and Curly
Moe: And that’s when you fell off the ladder?
Curly: Right.
Moe: I told you you need to leeean the ladder at a better angle.
Curly: (shakes head) I know.
Moe: You need more of an inclination.
Curly: I know.
Moe: That’s what you get for having less than a degree.
Curly slaps Moe upside the head.
Next stop: Saturday, October 28th, 8:00pm
Monday, October 23rd, 5:00pm
Donald (and Andrea)
Donald sits in the aisle seat. Andrea approaches.
Andrea: Do you mind?
Donald: Oh! No. (shifts over to window seat)
Andrea: (sitting down) Bus is pretty crowded.
Donald: Yes.
Andrea: You just noticed?
Donald: I beg your pardon?
Andrea: Just when the bus is crowded it makes sense to leave any open seats available, doesn’t it?
Donald: I supp …
Andrea: I mean, it’s just common sense. It’s rude to keep two seats all to yourself when there’s so many people on the bus.
Donald: I was waiting for someone.
Andrea: (turns her head to the left and right) Who?
Donald: A … another man.
Andrea: A particular “other man”? Or just “another man”? Are you, like, disappointed that a woman sat beside you?
Donald: (looks her up and down) Yes. And in particular, you.
Andrea is speechless, mouth hanging open.
Donald: You’re rude and distasteful. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s women like you who make men like me—straight men, that is—wonder what it is we see in women at all.
Andrea: Well, I never!
Donald: (raises voice) Then it’s about damned time.
Donald steps over her and stands in the aisle.
Donald: (yelling) And for the record, I was waiting for a particular man, not just another man. One who’s much more tasty– (shakes his head) tasteful than you!
Donald gets off the bus to a round of applause.
Next stop: Tuesday, October 24th, 8:00pm
Note: Strong language
Saturday, October 21st, 7:00pm
Hillary (and Sean)(and Drommen)
Hillary sits at the window. Sean takes the seat beside her.
Sean: Hey.
Hillary stares out the window.
Sean: What the fuck’s up with you lately?
Hillary: Nothin’
Sean: You’re still waitin’ for that creepy guy?
Hillary: He’s not creepy. He’s nice.
Sean: What’s his name?
Hillary: Whatever. Jake. Whatever.
Sean: Yeah well, I heard he likes to expose himself on the bus.
Hillary: (turns to him) Who told you that?
Sean: (shrugs) Does it matter? The guy’s a creep.
Hillary rests her head against the window and looks out.
Sean: What do you say we just go get fucked up?
Hillary: Not interested.
Sean: Suit yourself. But don’t go whinin’ to me if he asks … Hey, isn’t that him? (points at Drommen, boarding the bus)
Hillary: (sits up straight) Yeah.
Sean: (mockingly) Should I leave the two of you alone? Maybe he’ll show you his wiener.
Hillary: Maybe you’re a wiener.
Drommen, carrying a grocery bag, walks up the aisle and stops in front of Sean.
Drommen: (to Hillary) Hi, Jessica.
Sean: (looks up at Drommen) Hey, asshole.
Drommen holding his hands behind his back, leans down and says something in Sean’s ear. Sean gets up and moves to the rear of the bus, and Drommen takes his seat.
Hillary: What did you say to him?
Drommen: (holds open his bag for her to look inside) I just offered him a sausage.
Next stop: Sunday, October 22nd, 5:00pm
Thyme and time again, every week, it seems, I post a prompt with a bit of an idea in my head of what I’m going to write, but when I finally sit down, it’s something else. This week, I’m writing rather gingerly (in a way), because I’m trying to do it around all the other things I should be doing for tomorrow’s birthday party dinner.
I invited friends and family to cumin join us, and have already bought cards for myself and my mother to give to Alex (a cardamom), but I still have to go buy a few presents. And wrap them. Which of course will make them all parsley. (That made me laugh.)
Although he doesn’t eat (my son is tube-fed), Alex likes to choose what everyone else wants, and if it’s something that tastes good to him, he’ll have some. For tomorrow, he’s requested “big chicken,” which means a whole barbecued chicken from the grocery store. And a Spiderman cake for dessert, which I really should order soon. Mustardiness rule my life all the time? I need to follow my own sage advice: don’t procrastinate! I need to sumac myself upside the head with it once in a while.
Whatever happens, I’m sure tomorrow’s dinner will be peppered with love, free of a salt (ouch, that was a stretch), and anise day all around. In fact, it may just be a macing. And dinner itself is sure to be savory.
Fall is when it gets chili outside.
This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link and join in! https://lindaghill.com/2017/10/20/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-2117/
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Note: Adult theme.
Thursday, October 19th, 6:00pm
Drommen (and Donald)
Drommen sits at the window. Donald takes the seat beside him.
Donald: Hi.
Drommen: Hello.
Donald: Can I ask you a personal question?
Drommen: I suppose.
Donald: If a guy likes mostly women but there’s just one guy that he’s attracted to, do you think that makes him gay?
Drommen: There’s nothing wrong with attraction. It’s what you do with it.
Donald: Okay, so say this guy is attracted to this other guy and they actually sleep together a couple of times. Does that make him gay?
Drommen observes Donald silently.
Donald: I’m asking for a friend. Of course.
Drommen: Of course.
Donald: So do you think my friend is gay?
Drommen: And he’s attracted to girls?
Donald: Yeah.
Drommen: Maybe he’s bisexual.
Donald: Hmm … Maybe.
Drommen looks out the window.
Donald: Hey, can I ask you something else?
Drommen: Sure.
Donald: Do you mind if I masturbate?
Drommen stares at him wide-eyed.
Donald: Just as an experiment. To see if, you know, I get excited sitting beside another guy.
Drommen: (still wide-eyed) I thought it was your friend.
Donald: IT IS! The experiment is for him.
Drommen: I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that. But there’s a guy who rides the bus once in a while. You could ask him.
Donald: Really? What does he look like?
Drommen: You can’t miss him. He sparkles and wears fake fangs.
Next stop: Friday, October 20th, 2:00pm
Yesterday’s conversation between my mother (who has a sense of humour and dementia) and myself:
Mum: Did you know your dad died in 1948?
Me: No, Mum, it was 1978. I was born in ’64, so if he died in ’48, he wasn’t my dad.
Mum: Oh. I’d better shut up then, before I get myself in trouble.
And we laughed, and laughed …
___________________________________________________________________________
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Saturday, October 14th, 8:00pm
Edward (and The Darkness)
Edward sits at the window. The Darkness takes the seat beside him.
Edward: (sniffs and turns to The Darkness) Who the hell are you?
The Darkness: I am The Darkness
Edward: No you’re not. I am the darkness.
The Darkness: I am The Darkness.
Edward: No, I am the darkness.
The Darkness: I AM THE DARKNESS!!
Edward: (hisses, showing plastic fangs) I AM THE DARKNESS!!
Both get kicked off the bus.
Next stop: Sunday, October 15th, 9:00pm
Sunday, October 8th, 2:00pm
Drommen (and Bev, Darla and Vicki)
Drommen sits at the window. Bev takes the seat beside him, and Darla and Vicki sit down behind them.
Drommen: (smiling at Bev) Hello.
Bev smiles and nods.
Drommen: Mind if I masturbate?
Bev: Pardon?
Darla: (leans forward and says loudly) I think he said “Jersey is the Garden State.”
Vicki: (leans forward and says loudly) I thought he said “Rogers gives a rebate.”
Bev: (loudly) Really? A rebate on what? (turns to talk to Darla and Vicki) I was just saying to Sue the other day, I need a new iPhone …
Drommen slouches in his seat, arms crossed, and looks out the window.
Next stop: Monday, October 9th, 5:00pm
As you might be aware, I had my first ever book signing event last weekend in Kingston, Ontario–the city where The Magician’s Curse takes place. The lady in the shop where I bought my rose asked me if I was nervous. I said without hesitation that I wasn’t. And I really wasn’t–I’ve worked in retail many times throughout my life, and selling my own book didn’t seem that different. Besides that, I feel at home in a book store. I lurve them.
But like most things, the first time we do something is usually a learning experience. Right? Here are the things I learned:
By the time this post goes live, I’ll be getting ready for my second ever book signing event. If you’re in the area of Belleville, Ontario today (October 8th, 2017), please stop by Chapters between noon and 3pm. And get a Kiss. A chocolate one.
Safe to say I’m a collector, but not in the way you might think. I don’t keep things in orderly gatherings–in precious little spaces of their own–I just save everything. Because you never know when you’re gonna need it. Amiright? Piece of string? Sure, I’ll find a use for that. Bubble wrap? Why not? I send stuff to people all the time! (I don’t, but that doesn’t matter – I think I do. And anyway, bubble wrap is good for all kinds of boredom when you’ve got nothing to do with your hands things.) Unfortunately there comes that time when I end up throwing all that useful stuff out. Because I hate stepping over things, so if it’s in the way and I can’t find a spot for it, then sorry–you’re outta here.
But then there’s the computer. Ah, the computer. A lovely place where I can save, and save, and save, and I don’t have to trip over anything. It’s space that doesn’t seem as though it’s filling with clutter even as it does. It’s storage that never fills up … until all of a sudden I find out I have no more room left so I have to go out and buy teeny tiny devices with more space. They’re like Mary Poppins’s carpet bag. I buy them, and buy them, until I realize I’m collecting them. But do I keep track of where I put them and what’s on each of them? Of course not! But I’ve got them, just in case … never know when I’m gonna need the stuff packed into them, amiright?
I wish I could downsize my life. I wish I didn’t have that compulsion to keep everything. I envy people who can just throw stuff out. Maybe I should gather up all the bubble wrap I have in my house that I didn’t pop when I was bored and wrap all the little things up that I thought I might need. Put them into all the boxes I’ve kept that I knew I’d one day have use for, and stash it all away until I’ve forgotten what’s in it all. Once I have enough of them stacked to the point of overflowing and I start having to step over them, I can resist the temptation to open them just toss ’em out. Now that, for my sanity, would be a great save!
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I’m blaming my last sentence on the lovely Joey, who was kind enough to provide us with a prompt with bonus points this week for Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Thanks so much, Joey! Click the following link to see how you, too, can join in! https://lindaghill.com/2017/10/06/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-717/
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