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56. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Thursday, October 26th, 5:00pm
Drommen (and Holly)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Holly takes the seat beside him.

Drommen: Hi.

Holly: Hi.

Drommen: Do you mind if I … Are you crying?

Holly: (wipes her cheek) No.

Drommen: What’s wrong?

Holly: Oh God, my life’s such a mess. First I get pregnant with this guy who disappears, and now my husband’s disappeared and I’m going to get thrown out of my place.

Drommen: That’s terrible.

Holly: And on top of all that, I’ve got this other guy hanging around my house with these fake … (points at her mouth) teeth … things … and I’m pretty sure he was the one who made my husband disappear.

Drommen: Did you call the cops?

Holly: No, because I asked him to get rid of the other guy … my boyfriend … Wait, are you a cop?

Drommen: (snickers) No.

Holly: (sighs in relief) Thank God.

Drommen: So, let me get this straight. You asked the guy with the plastic fangs to get rid of your boyfriend, but he screwed up and now your husband is missing instead?

Holly: Right.

Drommen stares out the window.

Holly: I don’t know why I told you all this. I guess it’s easier to talk to a stranger.

Drommen: (turns back to her) No, it’s fine. I understand. I look to strangers for help all the time. Listen, I think I might be able to help you. (reaches into his pocket) Take this.

Holly: (looks down at a wad of twenty dollar bills he handed her) I can’t …

Drommen: Yes you can. It’s for your rent. And next time I see that little prick with the teeth …

Holly: What are you going to do?

Drommen: It’s probably best I don’t say. (reaches into his pocket again) Wait, can I see that wad again?

Holly holds the stack of money out to him.

Drommen: (replaces the topmost $20 with another) Wrong one.

Holly: What … why?

Drommen: (holds up bill gingerly) This one’s a little gooey.

 

Next stop: Friday, October 27th, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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55. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Wednesday, October 25th, 7:00pm
Robert and Donald

 

Robert: So, the guy jumped you when you got off the bus. And it was completely unprovoked?

Donald: Totally. But he didn’t jump me as soon as I got off. He followed me for a while.

Robert: And when he jumped you he tried to …

Donald: … bite my neck. Yeah. (grabs the collar of his jacket and tries to look at it) I think I’ve still got sparkles on my collar.

Robert: (takes a close look) Hm … Wouldn’t want your wife to see that. She might think you’re having an affair with a vampire. (smiles widely)

Donald: (frowns) Yeah.

Robert: Did he leave any scars?

Donald: Only a few emotional ones. He kept telling me he’s been watching me sleep and calling me Bella.

Robert: Creepy. So, d’you want to go have a drink before we go back to my place? I can help you with those emotional scars.

Donald: I could use a drink.

Robert: And then …

Donald: Just don’t call me Bella.

 

Next stop: Thursday, October 26th, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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54. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Tuesday, October 24th, 9:00pm
Mr. Splindle and Horace

 

Mr. Splindle: It’s not really cheating.

Horace: Of-of c-c-course not, M-Mr. Sssssplindle

Mr. Splindle: We’re just going to have a nice quiet roast beef dinner and a few beers.

Horace: R-r-r-right.

Mr. Splindle: But you know, we don’t need to tell anyone about this at work.

Horace: Oh n-no! M-Mr. Splindle! And we w-won’t t-t-tell your w-w-w-wife either!

Mr. Splindle: Very good, Horace.

Horace: M-Mr. Sssplindle?

Mr. Splindle: Yes, Horace?

Horace: W-why did you w-w-want me to c-come with you?

Mr. Splindle: Why Horace, I asked you to come with me because you need to get out. To live a little! Have you ever been to a strip joint before?

Horace: N-no.

Mr. Splindle: Exactly. And you’ll have to get used to it, because when you become my assistant in this new enterprise, you’ll accompany me, with our clients, to peeler bars all across the county.

Horace: And w-we don’t t-t-t-t-tell anyo-one at work about this other e-enterp-prise either, r-r-r-right?

Mr. Splindle: That’s right, Horace. The only one we talk about that with is Hank.

Horace: M-Mr. Ssssplindle?

Mr. Splindle: (sighs) Yes, Horace?

Horace: About my w-w-wife. P-please don’t t-t-t-t-t-tell her, s-sir. Sh-she’d be awfully m-mad if sh-she f-f-f-f-f…

Mr. Splindle: … found out that you went to see strippers?

Horace: (nods) Mmhmm…

Mr. Splindle: (pats Horace’s knee) I understand completely. Most women are delicate flowers, Horace. We must protect them as best we can.

Horace: R-r-r…

Mr. Splindle: But you know there are some women who are more like weeds. They live between the cracks of society and deserve none of our esteem. They are the sort we are going to see tonight, Horace. Weeds. Objects just looking for men like us to pollinate them. (rubs hands together) Tonight I’d like to go pollinate a few of those weeds.

Horace: M-M-M-Mr. Ssssssp-p-plinnndle?

Mr. Splindle: YES, Horace?

Horace: Go f-f-fuck yourself, sir.

Horace gets off the bus.

 

 

Next stop: Wednesday, October 25th, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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53. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, October 23rd, 5:00pm
Donald (and Andrea)

 

Donald sits in the aisle seat. Andrea approaches.

Andrea: Do you mind?

Donald: Oh! No. (shifts over to window seat)

Andrea: (sitting down) Bus is pretty crowded.

Donald: Yes.

Andrea: You just noticed?

Donald: I beg your pardon?

Andrea: Just when the bus is crowded it makes sense to leave any open seats available, doesn’t it?

Donald: I supp …

Andrea: I mean, it’s just common sense. It’s rude to keep two seats all to yourself when there’s so many people on the bus.

Donald: I was waiting for someone.

Andrea: (turns her head to the left and right) Who?

Donald: A … another man.

Andrea: A particular “other man”? Or just “another man”? Are you, like, disappointed that a woman sat beside you?

Donald: (looks her up and down) Yes. And in particular, you.

Andrea is speechless, mouth hanging open.

Donald: You’re rude and distasteful. I’d even go as far as to say that it’s women like you who make men like me—straight men, that is—wonder what it is we see in women at all.

Andrea: Well, I never!

Donald: (raises voice) Then it’s about damned time.

Donald steps over her and stands in the aisle.

Donald: (yelling) And for the record, I was waiting for a particular man, not just another man. One who’s much more tasty– (shakes his head) tasteful than you!

Donald gets off the bus to a round of applause.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, October 24th, 8:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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52. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Sunday, October 22nd, 5:00pm
Jordan and Brandon

 

Brandon: What are you so worried about?

Jordan: (twirls a basketball in his hands) Marissa’s going to be in the stands tonight.

Brandon: Yeah, and?

Jordan: She already thinks I’m a clumsy idiot. What’ll happen if I trip over my own feet?

Brandon: You’re not going to …

Jordan looks at him and squints.

Brandon: Okay, so you might. But some girls like the underdog.

Jordan: (laughs wryly) Yeah, name one.

Brandon: (laughs) Your mom.

Jordan: Hey, my dad got a slam-dunk in the finals at school.

Brandon: And he broke his ankle when he landed.

Jordan: (nods) I wonder if Marissa’ll sign my cast…

Brandon: Don’t!

Jordan: (eyes his friend with a grin) Don’t think she’s worth it?

Brandon: (shakes his head) You’re a fuckin’ nutcase.

 

Next stop: Monday, October 23rd, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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51. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Saturday, October 21st, 7:00pm
Hillary (and Sean)(and Drommen)

 

Hillary sits at the window. Sean takes the seat beside her.

Sean: Hey.

Hillary stares out the window.

Sean: What the fuck’s up with you lately?

Hillary: Nothin’

Sean: You’re still waitin’ for that creepy guy?

Hillary: He’s not creepy. He’s nice.

Sean: What’s his name?

Hillary: Whatever. Jake. Whatever.

Sean: Yeah well, I heard he likes to expose himself on the bus.

Hillary: (turns to him) Who told you that?

Sean: (shrugs) Does it matter? The guy’s a creep.

Hillary rests her head against the window and looks out.

Sean: What do you say we just go get fucked up?

Hillary: Not interested.

Sean: Suit yourself. But don’t go whinin’ to me if he asks … Hey, isn’t that him? (points at Drommen, boarding the bus)

Hillary: (sits up straight) Yeah.

Sean: (mockingly) Should I leave the two of you alone? Maybe he’ll show you his wiener.

Hillary: Maybe you’re a wiener.

Drommen, carrying a grocery bag, walks up the aisle and stops in front of Sean.

Drommen: (to Hillary) Hi, Jessica.

Sean: (looks up at Drommen) Hey, asshole.

Drommen holding his hands behind his back, leans down and says something in Sean’s ear. Sean gets up and moves to the rear of the bus, and Drommen takes his seat.

Hillary: What did you say to him?

Drommen: (holds open his bag for her to look inside) I just offered him a sausage.

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 22nd, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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50. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, October 20th, 2:00pm
Fiona (and Felix)

 

Fiona sits at the window. Felix takes the seat behind her.

Fiona: (blows nose) Oh, that cold out there sure makes the nose run.

Felix: (nods and turns his head part-way around) Mmm…

Fiona: I was talkin’ to a lady out at the bus stop. She wasn’t even wearing a coat!

Felix pulls a bottle of hand sanitizer out of his pocket and cleans his hands.

Fiona: I s’pose there’s people like that who just don’t feel the cold. Wonder that they don’t catch something though.

Felix: (turns part-way around) It is.

Fiona: Hey, are you one of them COD people or whatever it is?

Felix: OCD. Like Howie Mandel.

Fiona: You know, you can catch a cold just by sitting ten feet away from someone? We’re sitting closer then that. (smiles)

Felix gets off the bus.

 

Next stop: Saturday, October 21st, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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49. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Adult theme.

Thursday, October 19th, 6:00pm
Drommen (and Donald)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Donald takes the seat beside him.

Donald: Hi.

Drommen: Hello.

Donald: Can I ask you a personal question?

Drommen: I suppose.

Donald: If a guy likes mostly women but there’s just one guy that he’s attracted to, do you think that makes him gay?

Drommen: There’s nothing wrong with attraction. It’s what you do with it.

Donald: Okay, so say this guy is attracted to this other guy and they actually sleep together a couple of times. Does that make him gay?

Drommen observes Donald silently.

Donald: I’m asking for a friend. Of course.

Drommen: Of course.

Donald: So do you think my friend is gay?

Drommen: And he’s attracted to girls?

Donald: Yeah.

Drommen: Maybe he’s bisexual.

Donald: Hmm … Maybe.

Drommen looks out the window.

Donald: Hey, can I ask you something else?

Drommen: Sure.

Donald: Do you mind if I masturbate?

Drommen stares at him wide-eyed.

Donald: Just as an experiment. To see if, you know, I get excited sitting beside another guy.

Drommen: (still wide-eyed) I thought it was your friend.

Donald: IT IS! The experiment is for him.

Drommen: I don’t know if I feel comfortable with that. But there’s a guy who rides the bus once in a while. You could ask him.

Donald: Really? What does he look like?

Drommen: You can’t miss him. He sparkles and wears fake fangs.

 

Next stop: Friday, October 20th, 2:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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48. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Wednesday, October 18th, 6:00pm
Everyone on the bus

 

Everyone: (singing)
Does your mother tell you things
Long, long when I’m gone?
Who you talking to?
Is she telling you I’m the one?

It’s a grave mistake
And I’m wide awake

Drive in’s rained out
Weatherman wet fingers the sky
He pokes it out, he pulls it in
He don’t know why

It’s the same mistake
It’s been a long time running
It’s been a long time coming
It’s well worth the wait

We don’t go anywhere
Just on trips
We haven’t seen a thing
We still don’t know where it is

It’s a safe mistake
It’s been a long time running
It’s been a long time coming
Well, well, it’s all the same mistake
Dead to rights and wide awake
I’ll drop a caribou
I’ll tell on you
I’ll tell on you
I’ll tell on you

You’ve got a boatload of nerve
But I would say you’ve been told
You work me against my friends and you’ll get
You’ll get left out in the cold

It’s the same mistake
It’s been a long time running
It’s been a long time coming
It’s been a long, long, long time running
It’s well worth the wait
It’s well worth the wait
It’s well worth the wait
It’s well worth the wait

Long Time Running by: Gordon Downie, Robert Baker, Paul Langlois, Johnny Fay, Gordon Sinclair

Dedicated to all of Canada.
Rest in peace, Gordie.

… armed with will and determination, and grace, too …

Next stop: Thursday, October 19th, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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47. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Tuesday, October 17th, 2:00pm
Madigan and Missy

 

Missy: Mommy, what’s a “seatful prick”?

Madigan: That’s DEceitful, and you don’t say the word “prick.” It’s not nice. What were you doing awake at eleven last night anyway?

Missy: I woke up when Shadow barked. Who were you talking to?

Madigan: Never you mind.

Missy: Was it Uncle Ken?

Madigan: (regards her daughter) What makes you think it was Uncle Ken?

Missy: Oh just ‘coz Auntie Barb called him that.

Madigan: And when did you hear that?

Missy: The day you went to work and I stayed at Auntie Barb’s place.

Madigan: Two weeks ago?

Missy: (shrugs) I guess.

Madigan: Did you hear anything else?

Missy: (nods) Uh-huh.

Madigan: What else did you hear?

Missy: Auntie Barb told him that he was no better than her sister. Isn’t you her sister, Mommy?

Madigan: Yes. (gazes out the window)

Missy: Are you “seatful,” Mommy?

Madigan: Not as much as Auntie Barb is.

 

Next stop: Wednesday, October 18th, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.