Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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One-Liner Wednesday – Heretofore

Bread shall heretofore be referred to only as “raw toast.” That is all.

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If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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#SoCS – Why bother?

I spend so much time reading, editing, and (occasionally) writing fiction these days, I sometimes find myself narrating my movements around my house. Usually only in my head … usually. So I have to ask myself, why bother with ink? I do suppose it helps convey my narration to other people … but seriously, do you need to know I need to buy more toilet paper? My narration is incredibly interesting, as you can see.

Speaking of ink, I’ve recently discovered the joy of gel pens. Particularly Papermate InkJoy gel pens. They’re fantastic to write with. They make me want to write … well, pretty much anything. Shopping lists, permission slips to send my son off on field trips, notes about other people’s books … Hey! I should write a book of my own! Yeah, I should get on that.

I’m sitting here looking at my inky black cat. Why in heaven do we think of black when the word “inky” comes along? Ink comes in so many different colours now. We’re not living in an age where we have to use a feather to write with. And a pot of ink … can you imagine? Having to do that? Our computer screens would be a mess!!

Casper

On that note, I think it’s time to call it a day.

It’s a day!

This post is part of Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to find all the other posts in the comments. Read some, write one – it’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2017/11/24/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-25-17/


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83. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Wednesday, November 22nd, 10:00am
Lacey and Kevin

 

Kevin: I’m real glad we live close.

Lacey: (sounding unenthusiastic) Yeah.

Kevin: And now that we work at the same place, we can take the bus together.

Lacey: Uh huh.

Kevin: I wasn’t surprised I got the job.

Lacey: Really.

Kevin: I won an award for selling the most shoes at the place I worked in, in Kingston.

Lacey: Uh huh.

Kevin: Kingston, Jamaica.

Lacey: You mentioned that yesterday.

Kevin: It was a lot different there. Spending time on the beach all day, playing volleyball …

Lacey: Uh huh.

Kevin: It was real nice there. And it never rained.

Lacey: Never?

Kevin: Well only at, like, 2am when no one was out sunbathing anyways.

Lacey: No shit.

Kevin: No shit. It was perfect.

Lacey: So why’d you move here?

Kevin: This guy gave me all this money and said if I wanted to keep it, I had to move to Canada.

Lacey stares at him.

Kevin: Seriously! I had to stash it in my house where no one would find it.

Lacey: Your house where you live with your mom.

Kevin: Yeah. I can’t exactly go around spendin’ it. People would wonder.

Lacey: Uh huh.

 

Next stop: Thursday, November 23rd, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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#SoCS – Zzzzz

Hear ye, hear ye! I’ve got absolutely nothing to say. Nothing that doesn’t sound like a broken record, at least:

I’m tire … I’m tire … I’m tire … I’ screeech

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s impossible to find an onomatopoeic word that describes a needle scratching across a record. (It took me far too long to get that word right. You know the one I’m talking about.)

Anyway, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m exhausted. Yet again. I think I may be close to burning out. I seriously need a vacation. One that will allow me to just hibernate with a book … not a book that I have to work on. Another thirteen-hour day today … I forgot to eat dinner. I probably shouldn’t do that before I go to sleep.

I think I might just treat myself to an hour of Outlander (the show, not the book – I’ve already read the series three times) before I go to sleep tonight. And a cup of tea. Yeah.

Good night, my friends. 🙂

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday, and your ever-tired hostess, me. Click the link and check it out! https://lindaghill.com/2017/11/17/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-nov-18-17/

 


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79. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Saturday, November 18th, 8:00pm
Drommen (and Edward)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Edward takes the seat beside him.

Drommen: What the hell are you doing back?

Edward: I’ve decided to forgive you.

Drommen: (laughs) You’re joking.

Edward: No. I’ve forgiven you because it’s obvious you’re not trying to kill me. Not like some people.

Drommen: I don’t want to kill you. I just want you and your plastic fangs and your sparkles off my bus.

Edward: (hisses, showing his plastic teeth) They’re not plastic. They’re all mine.

Drommen: I have no doubt they’re yours. Where’d you buy them from – Dollarama?

Edward: I got them from the dentist. After someone knocked my real fangs out.

Drommen: Your real fangs?

Edward: His name was van Helsing. Do you know him?

Drommen: Yeah, I know him. He was from Dracula.

Edward: Dracula? No way. Dracula was a myth. I’m the real thing.

Drommen: Pfft. You’re just a teeny-bopper wannabe.

Edward: I am not! Do you want me to bite your neck and prove it?

Drommen: (glares for a moment) You. Wouldn’t. Dare.

Edward stares, uncertain. He stands, holding the skirt of his trenchcoat up to cover the lower part of his face. He hisses, then runs to the door to dramatically wait for the next stop.

 

 

Next stop: Sunday, November 19th, 1:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – She’s at it again

Phone rings.

Me: Hello?

My mother: Hi, Linda? I can’t find your phone number.

…

Seriously, if I don’t laugh about it, I’ll be crying all the time.

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If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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One-Liner Wednesday – This is your Brain

When you’ve only had two hours of sleep in each of the last two nights, and you know you’ve got to come up with something for One-Liner Wednesday, but you’ve got nothing and then you think, Oh, I know–I’ll write something witty on the fridge!”

This is your Brain on Lack of Sleep.

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If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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68. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Tuesday, November 7th, 4:00pm
Mr. Big and Henry

 

Mr. Big: When is Heath meeting us?

Henry: Not until after eight. And then we’re off to Mars.

Mr. Big: Yep, the three Musketeers ride again.

Henry: To the Milky Way! Skor!!

Mr. Big: Seriously?

Henry snickers.

Mr. Big: Oh Henry …

 

Next stop: Wednesday, November 8th, 4:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – Charlie Brown’s Pumpkin?

I know I’m a day late for pumpkin day, but this thing is still sitting in my kitchen and I figured if I’ve got to keep looking at it, you should too. Alex HAD to have it, so for $1, it came home with him. The pictures are actually flattering.

It weighs about twice as much as the orange pumpkin
It’s the Frankenstein of pumpkins
The colour of a zombie
What do I do with it now?

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If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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58. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right (special #SoCS edition)

Saturday, October 28th, 8:00pm
Sally (and Passenger One and Passenger Two)

 

Sally sits at the window. Passengers One and Two take the seats in front of her.

Passenger One: (to Passenger Two) Which brings me to my next question: what are you going for Halloween as this year?

Passenger Two: I told you, I’m going as a sandwich. But I’d like to return to your first question …

Passenger One: What kind?

Passenger Two: What kind of what?

Passenger One: What kind of sandwich are you going as?

Passenger Two: (frowns) It doesn’t matter what kind of sandwich I’m going to go as, I want you to clarify what you meant by your first question.

Passenger One: I wouldn’t go as a peanut butter sandwich if I were you. You’ll have all the dogs in the neighbourhood chasing you.

Passenger Two: (turns and looks Passenger One directly in the eye) Your first question? What did you mean? Don’t make me … (closes eyes and exhales heavily) Okay. I’m not going to get angry …

Passenger One: Baloney.

Passenger Two: (yelling) I’m not! I’m not going to get angry!

Passenger One: Calm down. I meant you can go as a baloney sandwich.

Passenger Two: (still yelling) I’ll sandwich you in a minute!

Sally: (leans forward) If I may …

Passenger Two: (turns to her and yells) What do you want, witch?

Sally: (aghast) I was just going to suggest your friend answer your question. But if you don’t want my help …

Passenger Two: (calmly) Well, thank you. (turns to Passenger One) You see? Even strangers want to know what you meant by your first question.

Sally: Actually, I just want to know what the first question was.

Passenger Two: (to Sally, yelling again) Mind your own business, witch!

Passenger One: (to Passenger Two) Are you quite finished yet?

Passenger Two: (voice raised, anxious) It depends: what do you mean?

Sally: Ahhh …

Passenger Two: (turns) What are you “ahhh”ing about?

Sally: I assume that was the first question you’re referring to.

Passenger One: (turns to Sally) Yes, I’m thinking a Marmite sandwich might be best, too.

Sally: He’s definitely salty enough.

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 29th, 2:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.

This post is brought to you by Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Click the link to see how you, too, can join in! It’s fun! https://lindaghill.com/2017/10/27/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-2817/