Life in progress

Tag Archives: Humor


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43. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Adult theme.

Friday, October 13th, 9:00pm
Drommen (and Candice)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Candice takes the seat beside him.

Drommen: (smiles) Hello.

Candice: Hi.

Drommen: Nice night out.

Candice: Yep.

Drommen: Mind if I masturbate?

Candice: Go for it.

Drommen: (raises eyebrows) Seriously?

Candice: Go right ahead. But don’t expect me to watch.

Drommen: (frowns) You won’t watch? Why not?

Candice: Okay, fine. But it’ll cost you.

Drommen: How much?

Candice: (regards him closely) You’re a good-looking guy. Fifty bucks.

Drommen: Are you a prostitute?

Candice: Nope.

Drommen: Then how can you charge me fifty bucks?

Candice: How can you ask me in the first place?

Drommen snorts and slouches in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

 

Next stop: Saturday, October 14th, 8:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – A Twofer!

Here’s a twofer: my table at my book signing on Sunday and a selfie, all in one!

I didn’t realize I was taking a selfie …

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If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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38. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Sunday, October 8th, 2:00pm
Drommen (and Bev, Darla and Vicki)

 

Drommen sits at the window. Bev takes the seat beside him, and Darla and Vicki sit down behind them.

Drommen: (smiling at Bev) Hello.

Bev smiles and nods.

Drommen: Mind if I masturbate?

Bev: Pardon?

Darla: (leans forward and says loudly) I think he said “Jersey is the Garden State.”

Vicki: (leans forward and says loudly) I thought he said “Rogers gives a rebate.”

Bev: (loudly) Really? A rebate on what? (turns to talk to Darla and Vicki) I was just saying to Sue the other day, I need a new iPhone …

Drommen slouches in his seat, arms crossed, and looks out the window.

 

 

Next stop: Monday, October 9th, 5:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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37. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Saturday, October 7th, 9:00pm
Holly (and Edward)

 

Holly sits at the window, staring out. Edward takes the seat beside her.

Edward: Hi.

Holly starts crying.

Edward: Are you okay?

Holly: (sobbing) My boyfriend left me!

Edward: That bastard!

Holly: I know! And I’m pregnant! And my husband is going to kill me!

Edward: (raises an eyebrow dramatically) Your husband?

Holly: Yes! What am I going to do? My husband is going to know it’s not his!

Edward: I can take him out.

Holly: (wipes her eyes and takes her first good look at him) What do you mean, “take him out”? Who the hell are you?

Edward: I’m Edward. I mean take care of him. You know … (hisses, showing his plastic fangs)

Holly frowns and stares at him silently.

Edward: Is your husband home now?

Holly: (stares for a moment longer, considering) Actually there’s this guy named Joel…

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 8th, 2:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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#SoCS – Super Saver

Safe to say I’m a collector, but not in the way you might think. I don’t keep things in orderly gatherings–in precious little spaces of their own–I just save everything. Because you never know when you’re gonna need it. Amiright? Piece of string? Sure, I’ll find a use for that. Bubble wrap? Why not? I send stuff to people all the time! (I don’t, but that doesn’t matter – I think I do. And anyway, bubble wrap is good for all kinds of boredom when you’ve got nothing to do with your hands things.) Unfortunately there comes that time when I end up throwing all that useful stuff out. Because I hate stepping over things, so if it’s in the way and I can’t find a spot for it, then sorry–you’re outta here.

But then there’s the computer. Ah, the computer. A lovely place where I can save, and save, and save, and I don’t have to trip over anything. It’s space that doesn’t seem as though it’s filling with clutter even as it does. It’s storage that never fills up … until all of a sudden I find out I have no more room left so I have to go out and buy teeny tiny devices with more space. They’re like Mary Poppins’s carpet bag. I buy them, and buy them, until I realize I’m collecting them. But do I keep track of where I put them and what’s on each of them? Of course not! But I’ve got them, just in case … never know when I’m gonna need the stuff packed into them, amiright?

I wish I could downsize my life. I wish I didn’t have that compulsion to keep everything. I envy people who can just throw stuff out. Maybe I should gather up all the bubble wrap I have in my house that I didn’t pop when I was bored and wrap all the little things up that I thought I might need. Put them into all the boxes I’ve kept that I knew I’d one day have use for, and stash it all away until I’ve forgotten what’s in it all. Once I have enough of them stacked to the point of overflowing and I start having to step over them, I can resist the temptation to open them just toss ’em out. Now that, for my sanity, would be a great save!

I’m blaming my last sentence on the lovely Joey, who was kind enough to provide us with a prompt with bonus points this week for Stream of Consciousness Saturday! Thanks so much, Joey! Click the following link to see how you, too, can join in!  https://lindaghill.com/2017/10/06/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-717/


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One-Liner Wednesday – Being sold is exhausting

The avocados on sale today were exhausted. Totally bagged, in fact.

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If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion

 


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30. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Saturday, September 30th, 8:00pm
Edward and Bella

 

Edward: I’m so glad you agreed to come out with me.

Bella: (shrugs) You sounded so normal enough on the phone. (mumbles) And I had nothing better to do.

Edward: What?

Bella: Nothing. So where are we going again?

Edward: A special place downtown.

Bella: What’s so special about it?

Edward: (smiles) You’ll see.

Bella: (stares at him) You’re going to take those fake fangs out though, right?

Edward: What fake fangs?

Bella: (sighs) Whatever.

Bella opens her purse and takes a compact out.

Edward: (snatches it out of her hand) This doesn’t have a mirror in it, does it?

Bella: (glares at him) Yeah, why?

Edward: Don’t open it. (he sniffs) Is that garlic I smell on your breath?

Bella: (gasps) How dare you?

Edward: How dare YOU!?

Bella: (stands and grabs her compact) That’s it, I’m leaving.

Edward: Wait! You can’t!

Bella: And for God’s sake, wipe the sparkle off your face. You look like you belong in a disco.

Bella walks down the aisle toward the door. Edward gets up to follow her.

Edward: That’s where I was taking you! A disco!

Bella: (turns) Discos have mirror balls, freak!

Edward stands in the aisle, confused, as Bella gets off the bus.

 

Next stop: Sunday, October 1st, 9:00am

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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One-Liner Wednesday – Works for Them!

You might remember my post from a few weeks ago when I asked if anyone knew what this might be:

Turns out it was a bag of water with a coin inside for discouraging bugs to come in the door.

So I decided to try it in my kitchen full of fruit flies:

They love it!

Turns out it works for them. 🙄

____________________________________________________________________________

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion


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#SoCS – Colds and Hots

When you’ve got a cold, do you ever wonder why you didn’t appreciate being healthy when you were? And then, when you get rid of the cold, you sigh and think, yes – I will always appreciate this feeling of not being sick until, like, the next day when you totally start taking it for granted again.

Why do they call it a cold when it makes you hot?

When it was hot in the summer, my mother used to swear by drinking hot tea. This was back in the days before homes were air conditioned and we just had to live with it. Her theory was that a hot drink made you sweat more, and when you sweated (is that a word? It doesn’t look like a word. Don’t you hate it when that happens?) …anyway, when your body produced sweat (better), the air, though hot, cooled you off more than if you had just been sweating normally. Like you do on a hot day.

My mother may have been crazy. I realize that now.

Yet it means that I don’t shy away from drinking the  hot coffee I crave, nay, need in the middle of summer. Or in stupid temperatures in the fall like we’re having now.

At least I don’t have to turn my heat on.

Stream of Consciousness Saturday is fun, and best of all, it’s free! Click the following link and see how you can join in today! https://lindaghill.com/2017/09/22/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-sept-2317/


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One-Liner Wednesday – You say potato, I say what?

A potato with eyes that look like, well, eyes, and a smiling mouth.

He was a happy spud: delicious, too.

____________________________________________________________________________

If you would like to participate in this prompt, feel free to use the “One-Liner Wednesday” title in your post, and if you do, you can ping back here to help your blog get more exposure. To execute a pingback, just copy the URL in the address bar on this post, and paste it somewhere in the body of your post. Your link will show up in the comments below. Please ensure that the One-Liner Wednesday you’re pinging back to is this week’s! Otherwise, no one will likely see it but me.

NOTE: Pingbacks only work from WordPress sites. If you’re self-hosted or are participating from another host, like Blogger, please leave a link to your post in the comments below.

As with Stream of Consciousness Saturday (SoCS), if you see a pingback from someone else in my comment section, click and have a read. It’s bound to be short and sweet.

Unlike SoCS, this is not a prompt so there’s no need to stick to the same “theme.”

The rules that I’ve made for myself (but don’t always follow) for “One-Liner Wednesday” are:

1. Make it one sentence.

2. Try to make it either funny or inspirational.

3. Use our unique tag #1linerWeds.

4. Add our very cool badge to your post for extra exposure!

5. Have fun!

#1linerWeds badge by Dan Antion