Life in progress

Tag Archives: humorous fiction


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191. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Saturday, March 10th, 9:00pm
Bella and Alice (and Lily)

 

Bella: God, I hope we don’t see him tonight.

Alice: Which one?

Bella: Pfft, either of them. How do I keep picking such losers?

Alice: You didn’t exactly pick Edward.

Bella: But Edgar I did. What an asshole.

Alice: Maybe he didn’t just stand you up.

Bella: What are you saying, Edward got him and (hooks two fingers on each hand) “made him a vampire”?

Lily: (pops up behind their seat) Good evening, ladies.

Both jump.

Alice: What the hell do you want?

Lily: I just thought you’d want to know there’s a maniac on the loose.

Bella: Besides you?

Lily: (hisses) Yes, besides me. She’s been chasing Edward and I around with a stake. She wants to kill us. But we’ll get her first. No need to fear, ladies.

Alice: (wipes forehead) Phew! I was shaking in my boots.

Lily: I can smell sarcasm.

Bella: Wait a minute. Wasn’t I your mortal enemy a few weeks back?

Lily: This one’s more of a threat. I’ll deal with you later. Myself.

Alice: (to Bella) I smell a shit stain. Do you smell a shit stain?

Bella: I thought it was garlic.

Lily hisses and heads for the door.

 

Next stop: Sunday, March 11th, 10:00am

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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190. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, March 9th, 4:00pm
Sandi and Candice (and Dale)

 

Candice sits at the window, Sandi in the aisle seat. Dale takes the seat across the aisle.

Dale: (to Sandi) Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.

Sandi: Hi.

Dale: What’s new?

Sandi: Not much. I got married a few months ago.

Dale: That’s great! Congratulations.

Sandi: What about you?

Dale: Oh you know. Wife left me.

Sandi: That’s too bad …

Dale: (waves hand) It happens. (holds up a leash) And then my dog.

Sandi: Left you?

Dale: Just got hit by a bus. Yesterday.

Sandi: Oh no!

Dale: Yeah. I’m taking the leash to give it to a friend.

Sandi: I’m so sorry for all your troubles.

Dale: Thanks. (looks up) This is my stop. Nice to see you again.

Sandi: You too.

Dale gets off the bus.

Candice: Who was that?

Sandi: I haven’t got a clue.

 

Next stop: Saturday, March 10th, 9:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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187. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Tuesday, March 6th, 7:00pm
Andrea (and Lily)

 

Andrea sits at the window. Lily slips quietly into the seat beside her.

Lily: (in her ear) Boo.

Andrea jumps.

Lily: You’re coming with me.

Andrea: What the fuck? No I’m not.

Lily: I have some business to take care of for my friend Edward, and you are coming …

Andrea: Wait, you know Eddie?

Lily: Oh yessss. (sniffs) What do you have in your bag?

Andrea: Oh this? It’s just, like, a steak and some hot cross …

Lily jumps up and runs for the door.

Andrea: …buns. (calls after Lily as she gets off the bus) Tell Eddie I love him!

 

Next stop: Wednesday, March 7th, 4:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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185. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Sunday, March 4th, 1:00pm
Oliver (and Zoey)

 

Oliver sits at the window. Zoey takes the seat beside him.

Oliver: Forty-three, forty-four, forty-five.

The bus stops at a traffic light and Oliver stops counting.

Oliver: (to Zoey) I’m counting street lights.

Zoey: Oh.

Oliver: (as the bus starts again) Forty-six, forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one, fifty-two.

The bus stops to pick up a passenger and Oliver stops counting.

Zoey: Why are you counting street lights?

Oliver: Because I have to go back the other way when it’s dark, and I need to know when to get off.

Zoey: What if one of the street lights is out?

Oliver stares at her.

Zoey: You might not see it.

The bus starts up again.

Oliver: (panicked) Where was I? Quick!

Zoey: You counted fifty-two.

Oliver: Fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five …

 

Next stop: Monday, March 5th, 6:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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182. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Thursday, March 1st, 4:00pm 6:00pm
Maurice and Stuart

 

Maurice sits at the window. Stuart takes the seat beside him.

Maurice: Hey there, buddy. You know, this being late thing is going to get you in trouble.

Stuart: Yeah, I know. But I’ve got a good excuse this time.

Maurice: Oh yeah?

Stuart: Yep. The apartment got flooded.

Maurice: Oh no. Did you lose a lot of stuff?

Stuart: Not only that, the old lady I live with almost drowned, trying to save the dog.

Maurice: Can’t the dog swim?

Stuart: Yeah, but the dog was trying to save the cat.

Maurice: That was decent of him.

Stuart: You’d think so. But it was the damned cat’s fault that the flood happened in the first place. It somehow managed to get under the sink and it chewed right through one of those flexible pipes.

Maurice: Oh man. So how is everyone now?

Stuart: Old lady’s at the hospital, dog’s at the vet, and the cat … (Stuart opens is jacket and a bald head pokes out)

Maurice: Oh my God, that thing is ugly! You can’t take that to work.

Stuart: I’m not. I’m taking it to the pound.

Maurice: Probably for the best.

 

Next stop: Friday, March 2nd, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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180. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Tuesday, February 27th, 4:00pm
Blade and Mumsy

 

Mumsy: You have everything you need?

Blade: Yes, Mumsy. I have everything I need.

Mumsy: And you’re wearing clean undergarments?

Blade: Of course, Mumsy.

Mumsy: And you won’t be too frightened?

Blade: No, Mumsy. I’ll be fine.

Mumsy: Because I can come with you.

Blade: (sighs) We’ve been through this before, Mumsy. You can’t come to college with me. It’s something I have to do myself.

Mumsy: As long as you’re sure.

Blade: I am, Mumsy.

Mumsy: (pats his hand) All right then.

Blade: (freezes and gasps) Wait. Did you pack my grey poupon?

Mumsy: No, I thought you did.

Blade: We must go back! I can’t go to school without my grey poupon!

Mumsy: (stands up) Driver! My son forgot his grey poupon! Turn this vehicle around immediately! We need to go back! (sits)

Blade: (a minute later) Why is he not turning around?

Mumsy: I have no idea. (stands) Driver! I said turn this vehicle around immediately!

Blade: Perhaps I should go and speak to him privately.

Mumsy: (stands) No, you just sit. I’ll take care of this.

Mumsy walks to the front of the bus and returns a moment later.

Blade: What did he say?

Mumsy: (indignantly) He told me we’ll have to disembark and catch something or other going in the opposite direction!

Blade: Of all the nerve!

Mumsy: That’s the last time I hire this limo company!

Blade: (shakes his head) I knew this was a bad idea when he refused to get out and open the door for us.

 

Next stop: Wednesday, February 28th, 8:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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179. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Monday, February 26th, 4:00pm
Miles (and Andrea)

 

Miles sits at the window. Andrea takes the seat beside him.

Andrea: (under her breath) Man, this weather sucks ass.

Miles: Yes it does. Do you have any toilet paper?

Andrea: Ewww! Eww! Eww! Eww!

Andrea changes seats.

 

Next stop: Tuesday, February 27th, 4:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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178. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Note: Strong language

Sunday, February 25th, 10:00am
Xavier (and Zoey)

Xavier sits at the window. Zoey takes the seat beside him.

Xavier: Hi.

Zoey: (regards him briefly) Hi.

Xavier: I’m not who you think I am.

Zoey: (looks at him closer) I don’t think you’re anyone.

Xavier: What do you mean? Don’t you recognize me? Or recognize who I look like?

Zoey: I don’t … know what you mean.

Xavier snorts.

Zoey: Who are you supposed to be?

Xavier: (outraged) Supposed to be? I can’t believe you don’t recognize me!

Zoey: But … you said you’re not who I think you … might be.

Xavier: (folds arms and looks out window, mumbling) Shitty-assed town. Don’t even recognize Johnny Depp when you see him.

Zoey: Johnny Depp?

Xavier turns and grins slightly.

Zoey: (eyes widen) Now I … I still don’t see it.

Xavier: (mumbles) Bitch.

Zoey: (mumbles) Idiot.

 

Next stop: Monday, February 26th, 4:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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176. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Friday, February 23rd, 7:00 10:10pm
Maurice and Stuart

 

Maurice sits at the window. Stuart takes the seat beside him.

Maurice: Hey! What happened to you? You’re really late tonight.

Stuart: (nods) You remember that old lady who lives with me?

Maurice: Yeah. Is she okay?

Stuart: Oh yeah. We got into a rousing game of Monopoly.

Maurice: I don’t think I’ve ever heard the words “rousing” and “Monopoly” used in the same sentence before.

Stuart: You haven’t met this lady. It all came down to her having hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk, and me with hotels on everything else, and she still won.

Maurice: Wow. The odds are incredible.

Stuart: Not really. Just as I was about to win, the dog and the cat flew across the board, chasing each other, and we lost everything. Had to start over again.

Maurice: Seriously? You must have already been playing for a while if you had all those properties. No wonder you’re late.

Stuart: Oh, no. That’s not why I’m late. The cat got out as I was walking out the door. I had to chase it around the neighbourhood.

Maurice: Oh man. How did you catch it?

Stuart: It got wet.

Maurice: Outside? In this weather?

Stuart: Kid saw me chasing it and squirted the thing with a squirt gun, thinking it was a rat.

Maurice: That’s right. It’s bald on account of the old lady’s allergies. But that doesn’t explain how you caught it.

Stuart: Sure it does. It brushed up against a fence post and got stuck. I’ve spent the last two hours figuring out how to heat up a fence post to get the cat off it.

Maurice: (looking confused) So, how does that have anything to do with the Monopoly game?

Stuart: (shrugs) It doesn’t.

 

Next stop: Saturday, February 24th, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.


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175. Scenes from the Second Seat on the Right

Thursday, February 22nd, 6:00pm
Miles (and Hillary)

 

Miles sits at the window. Hillary takes the seat beside him.

Miles: Excuse me.

Hillary regards him.

Miles: Do you have any toilet paper?

Hillary laughs until she almost misses her stop.

 

Next stop: Friday, February 23rd, 7:00pm

Click here to learn all about this series, how it works, and where to find your favourite characters.